Google him. It’s exactly what happened.
But I'm scared this is the tip of the iceberg
Surprisingly enough, the wife agrees. So that night, both quite excited, the husband cooks his wife a lovely dinner. After enjoying the meal they head upstairs and get into bed. The husband leans over to his wife, kisses her on the cheek and says, "night night sweet heart" The wife turns on her bedside lamp, confused, and says, "What? What about doggy?" The husband replies, "Honey, I can't believe you enjoyed it so much you want more. I'm sorry, but there's none left, I'll cook it again for you next week."
My wife was breastfeeding him during the earthquake.
… and the cashier said, "Whoa, are you going to put that up yourself?" I said, "No, you sicko, I'm putting it in my living room!"
Either you get twice the amount of dad-jokes, or you get stuck in an endless loop of "go ask your mother".
Because they love the high Cs.
A man walks into the pharmacy with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?" To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called Condoms son. Men use them to have safe sex." "Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school." He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?" The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys, one For Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday." "Cool" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?" "Those are for college men," the dad answers, "two For Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday." "WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack. With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replies. "Those are for married men, son. One for January, one for February, one for March…"
The first little old lady… Had a stroke The second little old lady… Had a stroke But the third little old lady's arms weren't long enough to reach.
It’s fucking r/aww
jim from IT support made by cat pregnant last timehe said he was fixing the usb port
They both liked what they saw and decided to go back to his place. One thing led to another, and soon they gravitated to the bedroom and proceeded to undress. The first thing he removed was his socks and shoes. She noted his feet were withered and crooked. When asked, he responded that when he was six, he contracted toe-lio. She looked at him confused. “You mean polio?” He shook his head and replied, “No…toe-lio.” He then took off his pants. His knees were knobby and gnarled. She asked him what was up with that. He told her, “When I was eight, I got the kneesles.” “You mean measles?” “No…kneesles.” Then he removed his underwear. She sighed… “Let me guess. When you were ten, you got small cocks?”
Step 1: Step 2: Step 5: Step 8: Step 14:
Some of my friends have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves…
…but I don't like to point fingers…
He laughs at them sometimes
And is feeling pretty down about it. On his left shoulder appears a devil. The devil consoles him saying "Hey man, don't even worry about it. Doctors have sex with their patients all the time. You are definitely not the only one." Then on his right shoulder appears an angel who says "Come on man! You're a vet!!"
Because he kisses his mother with that mouth
Because they’re always stuck at “C”.
You look for fresh prints
A guy in the back shouts "you don't have enough bullets"
It always gives me butterflies.
It’s hit or miss
Kid 2: "Yeah, I was a virgin until last night ." Kid 1: "As if." Kid 2: "Yeah, just ask your sister." Kid 1: "I don't have a sister." Kid 2: "You will in about nine months."
We went out, had a few drinks. Nice guy, wants to be a web designer.
His trial is expected to last forever
Unfortunately it was at Taco Bell.
It took him a couple of bytes
He ended up getting the cold shoulder
I said, “Well, they were separated at birth.”