Google is your friend
I angered two people today by calling them hipsters…
Apparently, the correct term is conjoined twins…
Light travels faster than sound
which is why you seemed bright until you spoke.
It’s understandable. He’s not used to not getting his own way all of the time.
https://ift.tt/3c8cfUm
“I’m a socialist drinker.” “Don’t you mean social drinker?”
"No, I only drink when someone else is paying."
I went to the doctors recently. He said: “Don’t eat anything fatty”
I said: “What, like bacon and burgers?” He said, “No. fatty don’t eat anything.”
What do you call a rude cactus?
A prick I’m deeply sorry
Donald Trump just turned 73
which makes him the first President whose age surpassed his IQ.
A man dies and he’s able to be in heaven and in hell for 1 day so he could choose which he likes best.
And heaven was boring as fuck and hell was a 24/7 hookers and blow non stop party. So the next day he goes back to st Peter? And says, "nah.. I'm going to stay in hell" and when he goes back down with the devil it's all torture and Sulphur and fire and brimstone and he goes to the devil and says "what the fuck?? Where are the hookers and blow? The dj and pools?" and the devil responds…. "well, that's the difference between being a tourist and being an immigrant"
21st century: your vacuum cleaner makes no noise, your AC makes no noise, your washing machine makes no noise, your electric car makes no noise…
The city's street cleaning wagon is as noisy as Apollo 11 taking off
I love my girlfriend Arial.
I'm quite font of her.
Sad News: The founder of /r/jokes has passed away
RIP Larry Tesler, the UI designer that created Cut, Copy and Paste, died age 74
Did you hear about the guy who was handing out awards to couples that cheat?
He was medaling in other people’s affairs.
I got fired from my job at a bank today
Some elderly lady asked me to check her balance. So I pushed her over.
What’s an extreme sport?
Doing your homework while the teacher is marking it
![M[emo] pad](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/01/g3lutczo26941-400x533.jpg)
Whiteboards are remarkable.
No text found
The soviet union was doomed to fail
The red flags were everywhere.
If a service dog without a person approaches you, it means the person is down and in need of help.
Follow the dog and you'll get a free purse or wallet.
Within minutes, the detective knew exactly what the murder weapon was.
It was a brief case.
Every naked person I see turns me on
Said the shower head.
I hate it when my wife says “Are you listening to me?!”
Such a random way to start a conversation.
What’s the difference between “comma” and “coma”?
The length of the pause.
The best thing about Japanese porn is they censor it,
so I can watch it with my family.
My Grandfather warned people the Titanic would sink
No one listened. But he kept on warning them nonetheless until they got sick of him and kicked him out the movie theatre
[NSFW] What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?
Glrhrglelgrglugr
I saw this odd guy walking towards the cemetery with a shovel…
I had grave concerns
Some people think the cost of wigs is too high
Personally, I think it’s a fair price toupee.
I have a bunch of jokes about people who are unemployed.
But none of them work.
What is the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
One is big and heavy and one is a little lighter.
Will glass coffins be a success?
Remains to be seen.
Oh god guys, I’m hearing a noise up stairs
Really hope that it isn’t Christopher Robin my house
I misplaced Dwayne Johnson’s cutting tool for the origami workshop…
I can’t believe I lost the Rock’s Paper Scissors…
Last night, I was lying in bed gazing up at the stars thinking
Where the fuck is my roof?
I carry a stone with me to throw at anyone who sings Christmas carols before Thanksgiving.
It is my jingle bell rock.
