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I was going to make a Corona virus joke
But I would feel guilty if anyone got it.
Why some of us might drink…..
The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. " Hello ?" Is your daddy home?" he asked " Yes ," whispered the small voice. May I talk with him?" The child whispered, " No ." Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?" " Yes ." "May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered, " No ." Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?" " Yes ," whispered the child, " a policeman ". Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?" " No, he's busy ", whispered the child. "Busy doing what?" " Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman ," came the whispered answer. Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?" " A helicopter " answered the whispering voice. "What ! is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive. Again, whispering, the child answered, " The search team just landed a helicopter ." Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?" Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle… " ME!."
A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection.
Judge: “First offender?” Lady: “No first a Gibson, then a Fender.”
We all know about Murphy’s Law – Anything that can go wrong will go wrong. But have you heard of Cole’s Law?
It’s thinly sliced cabbage.
Yes, I have aids
I have a phone, a laptop and a few chairs
To prevent the spread of germs, people have been told to sneeze into their upper arm. Instead, people have been stockpiling toilet paper.
This upholds the long standing belief that too many people don't know their arse from their elbow.
I had an amazing chat with a dolphin earlier who I had just met.
We just clicked. I am sorry. So, so sorry…
When you realize your coke baggie is stuck to your phone during a family photo
https://ift.tt/2ocMz5Y
Why don’t mitochondria have girlfriends?
Because they're incells.
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Which means that you will not only be banned from posting to this sub but you may get a shadow ban from reddit. Shadow ban means that you will not be able to post anything to ANY subreddit. Just follow the rules before posting.
Two rednecks flew to Canada on a hunting trip.
They chartered a small plane to take them into the Rockies for a week hunting moose. They managed to bag 6. As they were loading the plane to return, the Pilot said the plane could take only 4 moose. The two guys objected strongly. "Last year we shot six. The pilot let us take them all and he had the same plane as yours." Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. The plane took off. However, while attempting to cross some mountains, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down. Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, only the two rednecks survived the crash. After climbing out of the wreckage, Billy Ray asked Billy Bob, "Any idea where we are?" Billy Bob replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."
I’m starting a tattoo business. Women who show their breasts get tattooed for free.
I'll call it 'tit for tat".
Why did the Duck cross the road?
Because the Chicken retired and moved to Connecticut.
Why does Helen Keller masturbate with one hand?
So she can moan with the other.
Ye Ol’Chemist had a lab,
ene-yne-ene-yne-one
My favourite sex position is called “WOW” …
It's where I flip your MOM over
My son told me my grammar was good.
He meant well.
Geology rocks …
but geography is where it’s at!!
Where does a lumberjack buy his axes?
At the “Chopping Maul.”
What type of porn does Bill Gates like?
micro soft porn
How did the hipster burn his mouth?
He ate his soup before it was cool.
What’s the difference between a seal and a sea lion?
One electron.
This one’s ok I guess
Son- Dad, I got my gf pregnant. Dad- Son, I'm disappointed. Son- Hi disappointed, I'm dad. Dad- You're ready.
Why do Japanese christians offer rice wine to jesus?
For christ’s sake
I bought a do it yourself book on Amazon.
I only got paper, bindings and glue in the mail
What is the least spoken language in the world?
Sign language
When a stripper gets money that definitely has jizz on it she has to report it to the government
Because it's gross income
My wife will not be happy…
While trying to avoid hitting a dog, I lost control of my car and landed in a ditch by the side of road. With some difficulty, as I crawled out of the ditch, a beautiful woman who had stopped her car and came to help me asked "Are you okay?" "I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up. She said, “Come, get in my car. I’ll take you to my place that is only few blocks away. You can clean up, and then I will examine to confirm that you are not hurt.” "That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!" "Oh, come on, I’m a Doctor," she insisted. "We need to see if you have any scrapes and treat them properly." Well, she was really pretty and very kind. I could not say no, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this." We arrived at her place and after cleaning up, she examining me to confirm that I do not have any major injury and then offered a drink. We had couple of drinks, but all along I was feeling guilty and finally told her, "I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now." "Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. I suppose, she must be at home, right?" "Well, not really. She must be still in the ditch."
What do French people say when riding a roller coaster?
OUUUIIIIIIIIII
What did the left eye say to the right eye?
"Between you and me, something smells" (Credit to a 9 y.o. I thought it was funny)
Three girls all had boyfriends with the same name, so in order to avoid confusion, they decided to give the boys nicknames.
The first girl said: "I call my man 7-Up." "Why do you call him that?" asked her friends. "Because he’s seven inches long and is always up." The second girl said: "I call my man Mountain Dew." "Why do you call him that?" said the other two. "Because he likes to mount me and do me!" The third girl said: "I call my man Jack Daniels." The others look at her in bewilderment and say: "Why do you call your man that? Jack Daniels is a hard liquor." "Exactly."
What is muffins spelled backwards?
Exactly what you do when you take them out of the oven.
An unkempt teenager with his pants hanging half off his bottom walked into the local welfare office to pick up his welfare payment.
He marched up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just H A T E drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.. I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing." The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We Just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and a bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his new Mercedes-Benz and he will supply all of your clothes." The social worker then went on to explain further"Because of The long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say but you will also have, as part of your job, the assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive." The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!" The social worker said, "Yeah, well…You started it!"
I just flew in from a Transformers convention
And boy are my arms tires
Did you hear about the electrician who drank on the job?
He got buzzed
