Telltale Games will shut down…
Fans will remember that
When I hailed a taxi, the driver started insulting me.
"What was that for?" I asked, shocked. To which he replied, "Hey, that's what I do best. I drive people away."
Damn girl, are you a piñata?
Cause imma need a blindfold to hit that.
Dads are like boomerangs
I hope.
Relationships are a lot like algebra.
Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?
Why can’t you trust atoms?
because they make up everything.
A young blonde woman fears her husband is having an affair, so …….
A young blonde woman fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. The hysterical blonde tells her husband: "Shut up … you're next!"
A young man and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town.
They were about to have sex when the girl stopped. “I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I’m actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex.” The man reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing. After a cigarette, the man just sat in the driver’s seat looking out the window. “Why aren’t we going anywhere?” asked the girl. “Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I’m actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25…”
My boss said to me, “You are the worst train operator ever. How many trains have you derailed in the past year?”
I said, “I’m not sure. It’s so hard to keep track.”
One big difference between men and women is…
that if a woman says "smell this" it usually smells nice
The local drug dealer in town started dressing as a Jehovah’s Witness so as not to arouse suspicion.
He was arrested when cops saw people actually letting him in.
6:30 is the BEST time on the clock
Hands down
How did the hipster burn his tongue?
He ate his food before it was cool.
What do you get if you put a duck in a cement mixer?
Quacks in the pavement.
What’s the difference between a porcupine and a BMW ?
The porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
[NSFW] I once knew a man who was born with no eyelids. They used his foreskin to make new ones.
You could say he was a bit cockeyed!
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale. Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired. Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
I spent a summer working on a rabbit farm…
It was a hare raising experience…
Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer, recently received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and they would send an inspector to interview them.
On the appointed day, the inspector turned up. "Tell me about your staff," he asked Paddy. "Well," said Paddy, "there's the farm hand, I pay him £240 a week, and he has a free cottage. Then there's the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free board and lodging. There's also the half-wit. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work, earns about £25 a week along with a bottle of whisky and, as a special treat, occasionally gets to sleep with my wife." "That's disgraceful" said the inspector, "I need to interview the half-wit." "That'll be me then," said Paddy.
My boyfriend asked me why I like showering in boiling hot water
I told him a snack tastes better cooked.
What “supporting your neighbor looks like” from a distance during COVID-19. #respect
https://ift.tt/2VJtwgx
A man had been drinking at a bar all night and pukes down the front of his shirt.
“Shit I can’t go home like this my wife will kill me” The bartender sees this and says “put a $20 bill in you pocket and when she sees the puke tell her some drunk puked on you and gave you $20 for dry cleaning”. So the guy goes home and his wife sees the puke on his shirt and asks what happened, to which he replies “a drunk guy puked on me and he gave me $20 to pay for dry cleaning”. To which his wife says “Ok well then why do you have $40 in your hand?” “Because he also shit in my pants.”
A sexy woman sits down next to a guy drinking alone at a bar
She whispers, "You look like you could use a little fun. For $100, I'll do anything you ask me to in three words or less." The man takes a drink of his beer, then takes out $100 and says, "Paint my house."
My wife said she was reading a banned book
I asked if it was about marching or jazz
Why was 2019 afraid of 2020?
Because today they got into a fight, and 2021! Happy new year y’all!
A dad puts a deer in the oven and doesn’t tell the children what they’re having
Dad: “We’re having what Mum calls me” Kid: “DONT EAT IT ITS A FUCKING DICK”
What did the one eye say to the other eye?
Hey Between you and me… something smells!
I just watched a program about beavers
It was the best dam program I've ever seen
A new pilot has his first day in a real cockpit and he asks the pilot…
"Wow, there's so many buttons and switches. How do you remember what they all do?" The captain replies, "I don't, but for the love of God don't touch the dusty ones."