GOP hypocrisy at its finest..
A good girl doesnt kiss until the third date…
Sure makes for awkward sex on the first two
When nurses and doctors are having to reuse ppe but fascism is more important
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I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage.
The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity.
What’s it mean when you have a song stuck in your head?
You have a one-track mind.
The John Lennon Airport has been quarantined
Imagine all the people
A clown just held the door open for me,
I thought it was a nice Jester.
A doctor, a priest and an engineer go golfing…
After only a few rounds, they get caught behind the worst group of golfers they've ever seen. After growing impatient from waiting for them to finish their holes, they go into the clubhouse to complain. "Let me explain," says the manager. "You see, those men all used to be firefighters, some of the best our city has ever seen. There was a fire here at the clubhouse about five years ago. Those heroic men saved our clubhouse from the fire. However, most unfortunately, they all lost their sight in the terrible fire. Since then, they are welcome to use our facilities for life; it's the very least we could do." The priest, looks forlorn and says, "I'm so sorry to hear it! I will hold a prayer service this Sunday dedicated to these men." The doctor says, "what an awful thing! I know a highly-regarded optometrist who has done some research that might be able to help them, I'll arrange for them to meet as soon as I can!" The engineer thinks for a moment and says, "why can't they golf at night?"
Prove us wrong, Sen. Kelly Loeffler, wife of the chairman of the New York Stock Exchange
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TRUE FACT
Before the crowbar was invented, most crows drank at home.
What did they use to set off the amazon warehouse fire?
Amazon kindle.
A vegan kept telling me selling meat is gross
I said selling fruit and vegetables is grocer
In Alabama, there is no Reverse Cowgirl
You don't turn your back on family
How did glue win the marathon?
He paste himself.
My local church recently held a masquerade themed dinner and whilst the priest was saying grace I suddenly realised…
It was a blessing in disguise.
I was sitting at a bar and asked the bartender where I could find a piece of ass
He told me to go to the back door, down the dark alley and give the woman there 20 bucks. So I go outside and hand a 20 to the woman there and started getting busy. After a few minutes, a cop walks past and shines a flashlight on us and says "What the hell are you doing?" and I said "Having sex with my wife." He said "I'm sorry, I didn't realize that was your wife." and I said "Neither did I till you shined a light on her."
In pharmacology all drugs have a generic name.
Tylenol is acetaminophen, Advil is ibuprofen, and so on. The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra, and announced today that they have settled on Mycoxafloppin.
My wife is really mad that I don’t have a sense of direction
So I packed up my stuff and right!
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it becomes apparent.
I saw an onion ring.
So I answered it.
Have you heard of the man with 5 penises?
He’s been looking for a condom that fits like a glove.
A nurse, a doctor, and an anti-vaxxer walk into a bar.
The nurse sits down at the bar and says, "I'll have a Bloody Mary!" The doctor sits next to her and says, "Give me a rum and coke!" The anti-vaxver says, "No shots for me." She then collapses and dies from polio.
Dong. Ding Dong.
James Bond's doorbell
I ate a clock yesterday
it was very time consuming
If they call sex with three people a threesome and sex with four people a foursome…
then I see why they call you handsome!
Wanna know what gets me down
Stairs
I saw a raccoon with a sewing machine, I asked my wife “Does that raccoon know how to sew?”
She said, "That's how it seams"
My wife says she can usually tell when our baby is pooping because he’s laughing so much.
I guess he just has a self defecating sense of humor.
Today is my 25 birthday. I’m quarantined but it’s still nice to hang with the boys
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Breast Feeding
A man is sitting next to a woman who is trying to breast feed her baby on the bus. The baby refuses to eat and the mother warns, "If you don't eat I'll give it to the man next to me." The baby refuses. After 20 mins the mother repeats the threat. The man clears his throat and says, "Hey woman, you better make up your mind. I was supposed to get off the bus 6 stops ago!"