“Gosh darn I hate those ungrateful and improper Billie Eilish-loving VSCO girls”
My teacher told me I’d never be good at poetry because I’m dyslexic.
But so far I've made three jugs and a vase and they're lovely.
How easy is it to get reddit karma?
It's a piece of cake.
I was in New Mexico and a cowboy asked me if I could help round up 18 cows.
I replied, "Yes of course, that'd be 20 cows."
A farmer quickly purchased land in a low lying depression, and began raising donkeys there. He did so with skill, and the donkeys rarely got away.
In other words, he hauled ass to amass asses in a hole asset, whole-ass not half-ass, lassoed the asses so they wouldn't by pass the ass hole.
My wife told me I was too selfish in the bedroom
I almost choked on my own cock
What do women and grenades have in common?
Take the ring off and the house is gone
My friend’s financial advisor spent all of his money on strippers and blow.
That guy really put the douche in fiduciary responsibility.
Sometimes I touch my knees to my chest and lean forward,
That’s just how I roll.
To the person who stole my copy of mircosoft office
I will find you, you have my word
NSFW What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?
One is a Goodyear, one is a great year.
Cashier: Scans Condoms
“Do you need a bag sir?” Me: Jesus, she’s not that ugly
I can’t find my ‘Gone in 60 seconds’ DVD
It was here a minute ago Edit : fixed the spelling
How can you scare people with your impression of an elephant?
Turn both of your pants pockets inside out, and say, “hey, you ever seen my impression of an elephant?” while reaching for your zipper.
I never understood school shooting jokes
I guess they’re aimed at a younger audience….
NO PLEASE NO NOT THAT ANYTHING BUT THAT!!!! I DONT WANT TO GO THERE!!!
NO PLEASE NO NOT THAT ANYTHING BUT THAT!!!! I DONT WANT TO GO THERE!!!
Whatdya call someone drowning in mayonnaise ?????????
Sinko de mayo !!!!!!!
Do you know how to catch a bear?
Well, first you have to dig a deep hole in the woods and fill it half-full of ashes from the fireplace. Then place peas all around the outside of the hole. Finally, you hide in some nearby bushes and wait for a bear to come by. When a bear comes to take a pea, you kick him in the ash hole. As told to me by my Dad at dinner, every single time peas were served. Miss you, Dad.
I just read a joke about Oedipus and Midas.
It was mother fucking gold
Man “I hate the world and everyone in it. I have no patience for it. It’s starting to make me sick”. Wife: “what do you think about me?”
Man: "oh you mean the world to me, darling".
Who is Gaston?
The winner of the no Belle prize.
A sheep, a drum, and a snake fell off a cliff…
Baa-dum-tssss
The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident…
an Irish man answered his door to find a grim-faced constable waiting in the front yard. "We're sorry, Mr. O' Flynn, but we have some information about your dear wife, Maureen" said the officer. "Tell me! Did you find her?" Michael Patrick O'Flynn asked. The constable said, "I have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which would you like to hear first?" Fearing the worst, Mr. O' Flynn said, "Give me the bad news first." The constable said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but early this morning we found your poor wife's body in the bay." "Lord sufferin' Jesus and Holy Mother of God!" exclaimed O' Flynn. Swallowing hard, he asked,"What could possibly be the good news?" The constable continued, "When we pulled the late, departed poor Maureen up, she had 12 of the best-looking Atlantic lobsters that you have ever seen clinging to her. Haven't seen lobsters like that since the 1960's, and we feel you are entitled to a share in the catch." Stunned, Mr. O' Flynn demanded, "Glory be to God, if that's the good news, then what's the really great news?" The constable replied, "We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow."
My mother always used to say “The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
Lovely woman; terrible surgeon.
Two Americans were backpacking in Europe
…when a car pulled up next to them. The driver rolled down his window and asked in german:” Where is the nearest petrol diner?” The two Americans, not knowing a fraction of German, stared blankly at the driver. “Sorry, but we have no idea what you are saying.” The driver tried again in French and again was met with blank stares and shakes of the head from the two tourists. Getting frustrated, he tried again in Italian, in Spanish, each time receiving nothing but sheepish smiles from the two of them. Finally, he cursed under his breath and drove away angrily. The first American asked his partner: ” Maybe we should learn a second language.” His partner shrugged and replied:” Why? That dude knew four languages and it didn’t help him.”
My shoe split at work today
I knew this job would take my sole
What’s your favorite thing about Switzerland?
I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.
*nurse flips on a light switch*
“The Doctor will see you now.”
My sister just asked me to help do some chores, but I refused.
I said, “I can’t be your brother and assister too.”
I can’t stand high frequency noises.
It Hertz my ears.
How do you make a blonde girl laugh on Saturday?
Tell her a joke on Wednesday
Scientists removed the right half of a man’s brain…
…and then, they asked him to count to ten. The man counted, "two, four, six, eight, ten." Then they put the right half back and removed the left half, and again asked the man to count to ten. The man counted, "one, three, five, seven, nine." The scientists then removed both halves of the man's brain, and asked him again to count to ten. The man said, "look, we're gonna count to ten. We're gonna count. Because I know numbers, I have the best numbers. All the politicians in Washington can't count to one-believe me, I've counted to one many, many times. They said we couldn't count to ten. Well, I'm beating all of those people in the polls. We're gonna count to ten. Everybody, count to ten. Okay? And let me tell you – let me tell you something. I will be the best counting President God has ever created. We are gonna count to so many tens, I tell you. Look at that!"
My girlfriend keeps accusing me of being a cheater
She's starting to sound like my wife
Fuck Keanu Reeves
Well, that’s the plan, anyways
I went to the doctor to get a prescription for my alcoholism.
"What's the cost of this prescription?" I asked him. "£500," he said. I said, "Woah, and what are the side effects?" "Drowsiness, nausea, headaches.." he listed. "I'll decline," I said. "It seems cheaper just to get drunk."