Got a really nice 3 foot ruler today…
I bought it at a Yard sale.
A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase. NSFW
A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase. He asks, “What are you doing?” She answers, “I’m moving to London. I heard prostitutes there get paid £400 for doing what I do for you for free.” Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase. When she asks him where he’s going,he replies, “I’m coming too I want to see how you live on £800 a year”.
Dad – Hey, do you want to come over for a movie? I have already invited 17 people.
Me- Sure, but why so many people? Dad- The DVD says it is only for 18+ viewers.
To be frank, I’d have to change my name.
No text found
Son: “Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
“Yes, we arson.”
R Kelly is really changing the rap game
He takes the art out of rap artist
What’s big and grey and doesn’t matter?
An irrelephant.
Why did the large bucket think the small bucket was sick?
It was a little pail…… 😁
Two unemployed guys are talking. One says, “I’m going to become a lion tamer.”
The other replies, "That's crazy, you don't know nothing about no lion taming." "Yes I do!" "Well, OK, answer me this. When one of those lions comes at you all roaring and biting, what you gonna do?" "Well, then I take that big chair they all carry, and I stick it in his face until he backs down." "Well, what if the lion takes that big paw, and hooks the chair with them big claws, and throws that chair out of the cage? What do you do then?" "Well, then I takes that whip they all carry, and I whip him and whip him until he backs down." "Well, what if that lion bites that whip with his big teeth, and bites it in two? What you gonna do then?" "Well, then I take that gun they all carry, and I shoot him." "Well, what if that gun doesn't work? What will you do then?" "Well, then I pick up some of the shit that's on the bottom of the cage, and I throw it in his eyes, and I run out of the cage." "Well, what if there ain't no shit in the bottom of the cage? What you gonna do then?" "Well, that's dumb. Cause if that lion comes at me, and he throws the chair out of the cage, and he bites the whip in two, and my gun don't work, there's going to be some shit on the bottom of that cage, you can bet on that."
Many people say that a pirate’s favourite letter is R but…
It’s actually the P. If you take it away he becomes irate.
I hate trying to please miners.
They're so picky!
I was buying a large Christmas tree…
… and the cashier said, "Whoa, are you going to put that up yourself?" I said, "No, you sicko, I'm putting it in my living room!"
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said
"You know, one would have been enough."
What do you call a sheep on wheels?
A Lamborghini.
Recently a man was cooled down to absolute zero
Don't worry, he's 0K
After years of hard work in the gym as a personal trainer I finally admitted I wasn’t strong enough and quit.
I just handed in my too weak notice.
I got mad when my teacher told me I was an average student.
It was just a mean thing to say.
A magician never tells his secrets.
Except on the black hat market.
A guy was boarding a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight. “This is exciting!” thought the gentleman. “I’ve always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I’ll be able to see him in person.” Suddenly, the man realized his seat was right next to the Pope himself!
Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to His Holiness. Shortly after take-off, the Pope took a crossword puzzle out of his carry on bag and began penciling in the answers. "This is fantastic!" the gentleman mused. "I'm really good at crosswords!" It crossed his mind that if the Pope got stuck, he’d ask him for assistance. Almost as if providence struck, the Pope turned to the man and said, "Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends in 'unt'?" The three Cardinals behind, in front of and beside him shrunk down in their seats, as far as possible, all looking for something on the floor. The gentleman was in morbid shock. He couldn’t breathe. He went within himself, thought deeper, longer for a plausible answer and after almost a minute, the dark clouds of evil parted in his mind and the sun shone in. Turning to the Pope, the gentleman said with reverence and politeness, "I believe, Your Holiness, that you're looking for the word, 'aunt.'" "Of course!" the Pope mused, not taking his gaze off the crossword. "You wouldn’t happen to have an eraser, would you?"
Spot on!
https://ift.tt/35cKZB2
I saw a giant mouse so I tried killing it with a baseball bat
So now I have a lifetime ban from Disneyland
Why is Cinderella bad at football?
Because she’s always running away from the ball.
Things I do to piss off my wife
Sext her out of nowhere and then text back right away “sorry wrong person”
What’s better than Ted Danson?
Ted Singin and Dancin
My Friend Told Me He Identifies As A Broadcasting Radio Station
I told him “You can’t be Sirius”
College Tour Dad Joke
Was giving tours of various buildings at my university this morning, one of the rotations was our Nursing building. A mom asked “Is this Nursing school harder to get into than others?” Looking confused, I opened and closed the door a little bit before saying “Nah, the door’s not that heavy” Literally all the dads laughed while the moms and their children collectively groaned.
You may be young enough to understand tech, but damn that’s a boomer tier joke
https://ift.tt/39ET2Jk
A couple of thugs on a bike, drove past a pedestrian and snatched his bluetooth headphone straight off his ear…
They came back to return it 2 minutes later, when they realised they had stolen his hearing aid.
Trump’s parents are in trouble
They made a racist joke.
What do you call a doctor who is always on call?
An oncologist.
The man who has invented predictive text has died.
His funfair is next monkey. May he rust in piss.
What’s the main use of leather in the world?
Holding cows together
I saw my kid reading Fahrenheit 451. I asked him, “How do you like it?”
He said, “This book is lit.”