Got my dick wet for the first time today
Just learned about this shower thing, pretty cool
Just spent $300 on a limousine and discovered that the fee doesn’t include a driver.
Can't believe I've spent all that money and I have nothing to chauffeur it…
Why are reposts always upvoted more than original jokes?
You need to tell it to a redditor multiple times for them to get it.
I have a complicated phobia of over-engineered buildings.
Itβs a complex complex complex complex. Credit: my buddy Drew
Why did the beaver suddenly quit work?
Because he hated his dam job.
What did the left eye say to the right eye?
Between you and me, something smells.
“Knock Knock”
Who's there? "Yah" Yah who? ".com"
A blind man went to a restaurant.
menu sir? asked the owner. I'm blind, just bring me one of your dirty forks, I will smell it and order. The confused owner went to the kitchen to retrieve a fork, and returned to the blind man. The blind man smelled the fork with a deep breath, yes I will have the lamb with seasoned potatoes and spring vegetables. Unbelievable, thought the owner. The blind man ate and left. Two weeks later the blind man returned. The owner, wanting to know how good his smell is, quickly went to the kitchen where his wife Brenda was cooking and said, do me a favor and rub this fork over your private part which she did. He then goes to the blind man and gives him the fork. The blind man takes it and puts it to his nose and says, oh interesting! I never knew Brenda works here!
Why did the perverted cat get arrested?
Because he got caught watching kitty porn.
Why are there no cats on Mars?
Curiosity killed them all
A nun buys a donkey and enters it in a local horse race
Remarkably, the donkey is incredibly quick and manages to win. The local paper reads Local nun has winning ass. She enters it into a second race, and again it wins. The local paper reads Nun has best ass in town. The priest is annoyed by these headlines, but the prize money is seriously helping the church, so he tries to ignore it. After a regional win, the paper reads Nun shows entire county her ass. The priest decides this sort of publicity is too much, and insists she sell the donkey. She puts up a few ads. The next day, the headline is Nun offers her ass for Β£50. The priest insists she get rid of it quickly, so she makes it free to a loving home. Nun desperate for someone to own her ass. A bishop realises the problem, and so offers to take the donkey. Bishop loves nun's ass. The priest faints.
Why isnβt Dark spelled βDarcβ
Because you canβt C in the dark
State of the subreddit and the Hackathon, and going forward
So, the first thing I’d like to clear up is that the final Hackathon stream will finally be taking place this week and judging will conclude approximately a week later. Then we’ll hand out the prizes, announce the winners and get this whole thing done with. Extremely sorry for the long wait, but scheduling differences have made it very difficult to get everything fully coordinated. We’ll be running the next one sometime next year (likely in the summer), along with some big plans, so stay tuned. twitch.tv/programmerhumorNow, as for the subreddit: despite our new Rule #0 and strike system (although it has still been extremely beneficial), we’ve still been receiving much too many low effort and barely programming related posts. This is partially an issue of enforcement, and partially due to the subjectivity of r0. To remedy this, we’ve come up with two possible changes:All posts must go through moderator approval before being allowed on the subreddit.We will hold “Memeless Mondays”, in which all analogy memes which use non-OC templates will not be allowed. So this is good, this is not.Please note that we are not implementing these changes yet. We’d like to see your take on them first – what could we improve? What could we clarify? Could they work at all? Why or why not? We don’t want this subreddit wiped clean of posts, which 24/7 memeless would do, but I feel as if holding an experiment like this would definitely be a good idea. Tell us what you think. We’ll also be bringing back our repost bot soon, which will definitely bring at least a small improvement to content quality.However, our zeroth change will require a very significant new load on moderators. After the Hackathon concludes, we’ll be opening up applications again for several new mods (preferably as many as possible in the east). If you’d like to make ProgrammerHumor about actual ProgrammerHumor again, then’s your chance, so keep an eye out.Thanks for reading this and especially thanks if you give any feedback – this would be a huge shift for the subreddit so it’s not going to be taken lightly.
I hear coronavirus porn is trending.
What a bunch of sick fucks.
Why do the French have small breakfasts ?
Because one egg is un oeuf.
If I poured root beer into a square glass,
would I just have beer?
A boy come home from school and says “Guess what mom? I had sex with my teacher today!”
The mother is furious, frustrated, and mortified all at once and scream to her son: "GO TO YOUR ROOM!! YOUR FATHER WILL DEAL WITH YOU WHEN HE COMES HOME!!!" So after a short dinner, and a long conversation, the boy hears his dad thumping down the hallway to his room. The father opens the door, and says with a stern voice: "Your mother told me about your day at school… I can't tell you how deeply, seriously, and truly PROUD I AM OF YOU!! HIGH FIVE BUD! For you to get it in, at your age, with a teacher?! I love that my young man's a STUD! To celebrate you being AWESOME, you're getting a brand new bike. Right now, let's go!" So the proud father and son walk to the bike store and walk out with a new set of wheels. The father says: "There she is son, how about you ride this baby home?!" The son replies: "Dad, I'd love to but I can't, my asshole still hurts!"
βDad, can you explain to me what entropy means?β
βSure. Let me tell you, it isnβt what it used to be.β
My boss fired me for cracking to many Asian jokes.
It ended my Korea.
Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool
I gave him a glass of water
I once swallowed a book of synonyms.
It gave me thesaurus throat I've ever had.
I was telling my architect friends how much I love M.C. Escher.
They all gave me some weird stairs.
What do you call a comedian who canβt remember the punchline
Idk Iβm the one whoβs asking
The flight attendant sees a suspicious looking couple on board, so she reports it to the Captain immediately.
"Sir, I think we have a case of human trafficking! There is a very pretty, hot and sexy, female passenger on board, who looks quite frightened and the man she is with is a fat old slob who looks like a lecher, very sullen, mean and dangerous!" The captain responds, "Patricia, I've told you this before. This is Air Force One…"
Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar. Every time I have pessimistic thoughts, I put a dollar in…
Itβs currently half empty…
So for Halloween Iβm going to wear a baby carrier with a bag of sugar in it.
Iβll be a sugar daddy.
FUN FACT: if you fart and sneeze at the same time
Your body takes a screenshot
A Roman walks into a bar…
and holds up two fingers exclaiming "Five beers please!"…
Two clowns were eating a cannibal
One turns to the other and asks βdid I start the joke wrong?β