Got sent this by a friend.
Conjunctivitis.com
Now that’s a site for sore eyes
The rotation of the earth really makes my day.
No text found
A C-130 is being escorted by two F-16s
Tired from following the slow-moving plane, one of the F-16 pilots tells his partner, "Hey watch what I can do." With that, he leaves the C-130's side and performs a series of barrel rolls. "That's nothing" says the second F-16 pilot and he also leaves his spot and does even more spectacular tricks. The two F-16s continue showing off. When they finally fall back into place the C-130 pilot comes on the mike. "I bet I can do something you can't" he says. "Yeah, right, prove it" says one of the F-16 pilots. "Watch this," says the C-130 pilot and continues flying in a straight line. After a few minutes, the F-16 pilot comes back on the mic and says "We didn't see anything, you liar" "You're the liar" the C-130 pilot says, "I went to the bathroom for a smoke break and a dump."
My wife apologised for the first time today.
She said she was sorry she ever married me.
I absolutely support any scientist who is trying to create a complete invisibility cloak.
I just want to make myself clear.
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Skeletons are incapable of movement since they are inanimate objects
I have a friend who worked in Chicago his entire life tell me it isn’t that violent…
He is a tail gunner on a school bus.
A pirate goes to the doctor and say, “I have moles on me back aaarrrghh”
The doctor: "It's ok, they're benign" Pirate: "Count again, I think there be ten!"
Last night i used Vaseline with my wife and came 10 times
Once with her and 9 in the shower trying to wash it off
Y’all hear that “The Kool-Aide Man” started a baseball team?
He's the pitcher.
What do you call a sleep-walking nun?
A roamin’ Catholic…
I told my therapist that i am having suicidal thoughts
He now makes me pay in advance
My lesbian neighbors gave me a Rolex for my birthday.
I guess they misunderstood me when I said I wanna watch.
How do you make a tissue dance?
You put a little boogie in it…
How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas?
He felt his presents!
At work, I’m known as “Mr. Compromise.”
That's not my first choice of a nickname, but I'm okay with it.
Why does a duck have feathers?
To cover its butt quack
I’ve squirted an entire bottle of No More Tears in my baby’s face… …
and she's still crying. Parenting is hard
Set you Wifi password to 244466666
So you can say the password is 123456.
Peanut oil is made from peanuts. Olive oil is from olives..
I'm not ever buying any more baby oil.
I went into a book store today and asked if they had any books about turtles.
The cashier said : “hardback?” I said: “yeah and little heads”
That awkward moment when you tell a chemistry joke, and get no reaction.
I guess all the good chemistry puns argon.
I had a talk about porn with my girlfriend.
"I don't get porn, why would you watch 2 people have sex?" she asked, then I reply "Two?" she looks surprised and I add "People?"
If I had a penny for everyone who asked me to look after their dogs,
I'd have a pound.
A roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says…
"Five beers please."
My daughter really changed a lot after becoming a vegan.
It’s like I’ve never seen herbivore.
Why doesn’t Oedipus use profanity?
Because he kisses his mother with that mouth.
How do snowmen like to travel?
By icicle!
A Man Was Driving Down the Road & Ran out of PETROL…
A MAN was driving down the road and ran out of petrol. At that moment, a bee flew in his window. “What seems to be the problem?” asked the bee. “I’m out of petrol,” the man replied. The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his petrol tank. After a few minutes, the bees flew out. ”Try it now,” said the bee. The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up. “Wow,” the man exclaimed. “What did you put in my petrol tank?” “BP,” answered the bee.
When does a joke become a Dad Joke ?
When it's fully groan.
What’s the worst thing about ancient history class?
The teachers tend to Babylon.
My mother once told me I couldn’t build a car out of spaghetti.
You should've seen the look on her face as I drove pasta.
I just got attacked by a gang of mime artists…
They did unspeakable things to me.
Found this weird kids’ dragon toy in a store today and I thought it looked just like Nergigante, I looked it up and it turns out there is an entire series of cheap knock-off monster hunter lookalikes, they are not even trying to hide it, it’s hilarious
Found this weird kids’ dragon toy in a store today and I thought it looked just like Nergigante, I looked it up and it turns out there is an entire series of cheap knock-off monster hunter lookalikes, they are not even trying to hide it, it’s hilarious
