Got some of that free real estate
What did the little mermaid wear to math class
An algae- bra
My friend Victor recently changed his last name to “E”, but no-one knows why…
He’s become a Mister E…
Leather is great for sneaking around
Because its made of hide
What happens to a frog’s car when it breaks down?
It gets toad.
I caught my son rubbing banana peels all over him. At first, I was worried. Then I realized it.
He was going to be all ripe.
I finally cut ties with someone who was dragging me down.
Mountain climbing with a friend is hard.
A higgs boson particle goes into a church…
…and the preacher says, “higgs boson aren’t allowed in here! you call yourself the God particle, sacrilege!!” …to which the higgs boson particle replies “if you don’t allow higgs boson particles, how do you have mass?”
I try to tell everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes.
It’s all about raisin awareness.
Why did the ‘A’ go to the bathroom and come out an ‘E’?
It had a vowel movement.
What has 4 wheels and flies?
A garbage truck
What do you call a big boat trying out for a job?
An internship.
Halloween teens Party
A young boy walks into a Halloween teen party with no shirt on, only wearing a pair of loose jeans. The host says, “Well, , this is a costume party.” The young boy responds, “I’m in costume. I’m a premature ejaculation.” The host asks, “how’s that?” “I just came in my pants.”
What do liquid Draino and a Dutch stripper have in common?
They both slowly remove clogs.
3 Condoms – NSFW
Guy goes to the pharmacy to buy a condom. His girlfriend told him she would not have sex with him unless he first met her family and has dinner with them. Pharmacist at counter: " just one condom? You sure?" Guy: "actually, my girlfriend's sister is pretty hot…lets make it two condoms." Pharmacist: "just two then? That's it?" Guy: "let's make it three. The mom is really hot too." That night he goes to dinner and her whole family is there. He sits at the table not saying a word, his face red as a tomato. His girlfriend takes him in the bedroom after they eat. Girlfriend: "what's wrong with you? You didn't say a word all night. Did something happen?" Guy: "no, I just didn't know your dad worked at the pharmacy."
Two guys are digging to the center of the world.
Eventually one guys looks over and sees the other is just standing there holding a pole. "Wears your shovel?" "Yeah, it sure does."
I killed a chicken last week
Now I Think I’m getting haunted by a poultrygeist
A friend said she did not understand cloning…
I told her that makes two of us…
What do u give a dog that has high temperature?
Mustard, it's the best thing for a hot dog
I pinned a Rolex to the post just outside my house
It's the neighborhood watch.
‘NSFW’ A lioness has mating period in the zoo, but they have no lion.
So a worker asks the owner: -What should we do? -Ask dumb Jimmy, our zookeeper, he'll probably fuck her for couple hundred bucks. So the worker goes to Jimmy: -Hey Jim, would you fuck a lioness for 200$ bucks? -With pleasure, but I don't have the money now, can you cut it from my salary?
“For God so loved the world that he sent his condom baby to whine for ‘our’ sins.”
https://ift.tt/2EQP7eT
Women are so materialistic.
I bet they'd all dig me if I lived in a bigger car.
What’s my blod type?
Typo
What did the sun bring to eat at the beach?
A light snack
{air horn sound}
{second air horn sound} Me: “this isn’t deodorant”
A roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says…
"Five beers please."
I got fired just because I wore a mini skirt!
Appearently my boss doesn't want to see my dick.
I recently received a book with “do not read until the year 2030” written on the cover
But that’s a story for another time
What do you call a bee who never brags?
A humble bee
The quarantine has ruined many marriages but mine is still going strong.
Just the other day I woke up to my beautiful and loving wife holding a pillow tightly over my face to protect me from the coronavirus.
Why didn’t the cannibal eat the guy with no legs ?
Because he was lacktoes intolerant
My wife yelled at me, telling me to put the toilet seat down…
Don't know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
Aye matey! Courtesy of a 7 year old in my class.
I finally cut ties with someone who was dragging me down
Mountain climbing with a friend is hard
A man and his wife are sound asleep in bed when the phone rings. The man picks up, listens for a second and says, “How the fuck would I know, you idiot? I’m not a weatherman,” before slamming down the receiver.
“Who was that?” asks his wife. “Wrong number. It was some bastard asking if the coast was clear.”
