Got stopped at airport screening today coming from a Coronavirus hotspot..
When You Realize That WWE Is Nothing Like High School Wrestling
When You Realize That WWE Is Nothing Like High School Wrestling
My wife just put on a dress and asked me to zip it
I'm not sure why… I wasn't even talking!
A blonde woman visits her husband in prison Before leaving, she tells a correction officer: “You shouldn’t make my husband work like that. He’s exhausted!” officer laughs, saying: Are you kidding? He just eats and sleeps and stays in his cell!”
"Bullshit! He just told me he is been digging a tunnel for months!"
What do girls with a daddy kink call their real dad?
Nothing, it goes straight to voicemail.
What do you call the verses added to a song to make it longer?
Extension chords
The Lord said unto John, “Come forth and you will receive eternal life!”
But John came fifth, and won a toaster.
Do you wanna know why people with shell fish allergies can’t be body builders?
Because they can’t have mussels.
A man goes to a bank and asks to deposit $5,000 into his account.
The next day, he comes back and deposits $10,000. The next day, he comes back and deposits $7,500. As he walks out, the banker asks him how he gets so much money in a day. The man walks up to him and whispers, “I make bets with people.” The banker tells him, “How do you make so much?” The man says, “Here, I bet $50 you have a birthmark on your ass.” The banker says no, but the man wants proof. The banker pulls down his pants and shows him that there is no birthmark, but the man is still smiling. The banker asks why. The man says, “Because I bet each person in the building $50,000 that I could get you to pull down your pants.”
What do you call an Elephant that doesn’t matter?
Irrelephant.
Shooting tips
A young cowboy, sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who, in his day, had been the fastest gun in the West. The cowboy walked over to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him of his great ambition to be a great gunfighter. "Could you give me some tips?" he asked. The old man said, "Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high — tie the holster a little lower down on your leg." "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" "Sure will." The young man did as he was told, then stood up, whipped out his .44, and shot the bow tie off the piano player. "That's terrific!" exclaimed the cowboy. "Got any more tips?" "Yep," said the old man. "Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it — that'll give you a smoother draw." "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man. "You bet it will," said the old-timer. The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and then shot a cuff link off the piano player. "Wow!" said the cowboy excitedly, "I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?" The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. "See that can of axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it." The young man smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun. "No," said the old-timer, "I mean smear it all over the gun, the handle, and all." "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the puzzled young man. "No," said the old-timer, "but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he's gonna shove that gun up your ass, and it won't hurt near as much."
What happens when you get a bladder infection?
Urine trouble.
Boobs are like the sun
You can only stare at them for a few seconds . But if you put sunglasses on, you can stare at them all you want.
How do you know when a joke becomes a dad joke?
When it’s full groan.
Why is every gender equality officer female?
Because it’s cheaper…
A wife shows her husband a picture and says, “The camera adds 10 pounds”…
The husband, bewildered, says, "Why would you eat a camera!?"
I just found out where Captain Hook got its hook
He got it from a second-hand store
A Catholic High School had a legendary American football team
Every year, the team was in the state championship game, and usually won it handily. Every able lad within a few hundred miles wanted to play football for Central Catholic Fighting Knights. Those who were familiar with the program, knew that the true heart and soul of the Knights football program was Sister Mary Margaret, an aged nun who would, in full habit, get out on the practice field and work on routes with the receivers, give pointers to the quarterbacks on their stances and releases, but most of all, love them like the second mother that she became to all of the boys in that program. One year, on the eve of the state championship game, some evil malefactors broke into the convent and kidnapped Sister Mary Margaret. Everyone was stunned by the news, but none more so than the Knights of Central Catholic. They were devastated at the loss of their mentor. As you might guess, the state championship game didn't go very well. For the first time in the history of the football program, the Knights were shut out. The Spartans beat them 42-0. The next day, the headline on the local sports section read: No Offense, Nun Taken
In pharmacology all drugs have a generic name.
Tylenol is acetaminophen, Advil is ibuprofen, and so on. The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra, and announced today that they have settled on Mycoxafloppin.
I tried to go left whenever I played Mario.
It was wrong on so many levels.
Big shoutout to my great grandmother!
She can't hear me otherwise.
My New Years resolution is to lose weight.
So I'm off to the paint store since everyone seems to get thinner here.
What happens when you don’t pay your exorcist?
You get repossessed.
What’s more expensive, a ladder or a diamond?
The latter.
Alabama and Lousiana here’s your chance to show America you’re not who we think you are
https://ift.tt/33jE0FJ
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO: JUDGE: It’s a fine. MARIO [sadly]: No, itsa not.
Where do cyclops’ party?
Eyebiza.
How do you murder mass?
You killagram
Post Malone just suspended his tour
Guess that makes him postponed Malone
What does eating pussy and smoking a cigarette have in common?
The closer you get to the butt the more intense the flavor.
Rolled my first joint last night.
God my ankle hurts this morning.