It was actually an apple.
I thought, there is no way they're going to fit in a bowl of soup…
Because he can neverland.
Because downvotes are very offensive.
Because plants have less stygma to stamen.
to fulfill my fantasy that we have health care
Because you can’t C in the dark
Never trust a guy with 6 kids that says he is going to pull out
He still can't say "please" though, which I think is poor for four.
Boss: It’s May. “Sorry. May I have a week off around Christmas?”
When the interviewer asked me ‘Do you have a criminal record?” I said “No, is that still required?”
so you can imagine how terrified I was of cockroaches.
She drinks straight from the bottle
I heard their service is second to one.
The length of the pause.
We were able to lift his coffin.
I hope you're happy now.
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On the first night of their honeymoon, the new bride tells her husband, “I have a confession to make. I’m not a virgin. I’ve been with one other guy.” “Oh yeah? Who was the guy?” “Tiger Woods, the golfer.”
"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can understand that." The couple then makes passionate love. When they finish, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone. "What are you doing?" asks the wife. "I'm hungry. I'm calling room service." "Tiger wouldn't do that." "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?" "He'd come back to bed and do it a second time." The husband drops the phone and makes love to his wife a second time. When they finish, he goes back to the phone. "What are you doing now?" she asks. "I'm still hungry, so I'm going to ring room service for some food." "Tiger wouldn't do that." "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?" "He'd come back to bed and do it one more time." The husband puts the phone down and heads back to bed. Exhausted after the third lovemaking session, he shuffles back to the phone and starts to dial. The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?" "No! I'm calling Tiger Woods to find out what's par for this hole!"
I just didn’t realize it would Zoom..
…I can never tell if they’re joking or not.
He usually appreciates coming home from work to a hot meal.
Thankfully though, he was just in there fucking the wife and there was no expensive leak.
It’s annoying, but I’m a big fan.
i don’t know why everyone thought 73-year-old Bernie Sanders was too old to run for president four years ago…
…after all, he was in his prime.
Because it’s made in China.
My dad died last year when my family couldn’t remember his blood type in time for paramedics to save him
As he died, he kept insisting for us to "be positive," but it's hard without him
You add Spring water.
For example, border security.
He Never Lands! I like this joke because it never grows old 🙂
I’m not sure what he laced them with but I’ve been tripping all day.
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and name it ElonGates.
On the way to the airport, Mrs. Smith gets in a terrible car crash and is life-flighted to the hospital. Mr. Smith receives a call from the police telling him about the accident and rushes to the hospital. There, he waits for hours while his wife is in surgery. After many hours of waiting, the surgeon finally comes to speak with him. “Mr. Smith, I’ve got some bad news for you. Your wife has been paralyzed from the neck down. She will be unable to perform even the most basic functions as a human being. You will have to feed her, bathe her, change her clothes, clean up her stool, and take her to many, many appointments for the rest of her life. This will be a true test of your love for this woman.” Upon hearing this news, Mr. Smith breaks down and starts sobbing uncontrollably. Just then, the surgeon smiles and pats him on the back. “Relax Mr. Smith. I was just fucking with ya….she’s dead.”