Got this from Mom: And what’s your job? Influenza! On Youtube or Instagram?
Po: Sir im gonna have to write a ticket but i will give you a chance by answering a trivia question. Guy: Lets do this Po: There are two headlights coming from the end of the street. What is it? Guy: Its a car!! Po: Sure but is it a kia, is it a mazda? That was wrong but ill give you one more chance. There is one headlight coming down the street. What is it. Guy: Its a motorbike !!! Po: Sure but is it bmw , is it suzuki? Sorry man im gonna have to proceed with the ticket Guy: Hey give me one last chance. Ill ask you an easy trivia question and if you get it right go ahead and finish the ticket Po: Ok go Guy: Theres a lady at the corner of the street very late at night. She is wearing a mini skirt and a very tight blouse while waving and talking to men in cars. What is she? Po: She is a whore dude… Guy: Sure but is it your wife, is it your sister?
Love means nothing to them
The boy sees a worm trying to crawl into an anthill. "I bet fifty bucks that I can get that worm into that anthill!" says the boy. "Your on," says the grandfather. "That worm is too wiggly." The boy runs into the house, comes back with a can of hairspray, and sprays it on the worm until the worm is as straight and stiff as a board. The old man pays his grandson fifty dollars. At dinner time, the man gives the boy another fifty dollars. "I though you already gave me my fifty bucks!" says the boy. "I did," says the grandfather. "This is from your granny."
but none of them work
She walked up to me, hands behind her back.. "Check it out, dad! This is really funny looking!" "What? Lemme see…" And the little shit holds up a mirror to my face, giggling her head off. Payback is a bitch, little girl….
A broken drum… you can’t beat it
He keeps saying, "I can't go on, I hate my life". My roommate's too selfish to notice. He's always crying.
I mean I have daily sex I mean I have dyslexia
Put a piece of sheet music in front of him.
Not this year though – I'm quitting cold turkey…
I went to an auction today where they were selling a cheese grater once owned by both Hitler and Osama Bin Laden.
It was the grater of two evils.
I lost interest in that relationship
We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a web developer.
I really get a kick out of it.
"Why y'all keep giving me all these dimes?"
He pulled a muscle.
It's time consuming.
I don't need this "omg i cant drive a train" shit
Because nothing gets under their skin.
Exactly what you do when you take them out of the oven.
So he could pickup his Master's degree.
Then he fired me.
It produces a greenish flame and it looks really cool while I'm lighting up my cigarette.
a micro transaction
People were lined up for blocks
Destruction of government property
I have had a Canon printer for years.
All that time, and nothing to chauffeur it…
The whole flight the man sweats beads being so nervous having been sat next to his holiness. The man is able to keep his calm and avoid an awkward conversation as the Pope focuses all of his attention on a crossword puzzle. A couple hours into the flight the man hears his Holiness mumbling in frustration at his puzzle. Eventually the man musters up the nerve to ask the Pope “is there anything I can help you with?” The Pope says “yes my son. I need a 4-letter word for a woman ending in _UNT” The man is absolutely horrified. He can’t tell the Pope the answer!! He is the most holy earthling alive. So he thinks and thinks and thinks until finally- it comes to him. He shouts out “of course! Aunt!” The Pope returns to his puzzle and mumbles again before turning back to the man and asks “do you have an eraser?”
She said “yes, the others were at least eights or nines”