Got this from the old man today
I have a fetish for the final paragraph of an essay.
I just came to that conclusion.
Why do parallel lines get on so well?
Because they’re straight up with each other.
3 guys end up at the pearly gates…
St. Peter asks the first guy if/how many times he had cheated on his wife. He answers twice. St. Peter says, “Shame on you,” and hands him the keys to a Honda Civic. The second guy gets asked the same question and he responds once. St. Peter says, “Shame on you,” and hands him the keys to a Harley Davidson. The third guy gets asked the same question as the first two people and responds never. St. Peter says, “Good job staying faithful,” and hands him the keys to a Rolls Royce. A little while later while riding the streets of Heaven the first guy in the Honda Civic rolls by the third guy in the Rolls Royce. The first guy notices the third guy crying and asks, “Why are you crying, you are enjoying your after life in a Rolls Royce, while I am stuck in a Honda Civic.” The third guy responds, “I am crying because I saw my wife, she was on a skateboard.”
At this point English has become suck up to the teacher class
At this point English has become suck up to the teacher class
What’s the difference between a jeweler and a jailer?
One sells watches, while the other watches cells. 😆
My girl keeps having disturbed dreams, shouting things like “Hobbit!”, “Gandalf!”, and “Mordor!”.
Always Tolkien in her sleep…
Wanna feel old?
Wait
Why was my post removed
Can someone from admin please explain to me why my post was removed? I'm really annoyed about this because now my fence has fallen over.
A construction worker walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt.
The bartender asks: “What can I get you?” The construction worker says “One beer for me, and one for the road.”
I was captured by ISIS after Iran away
Now all I’m China do is to survive
I love the smell of my f5 key…
It is very refreshing
What did they say about the couple who had the same shoe size?
They were sole mates
A man is walking through the woods…
when he come across a suitcase. Inside the suitcase he finds a fox and her cubs. He dials animal control to report his discovery. The woman on the other end exclaims, "That's horrible… are they moving? The man responds, "I don't know but that would explain the suitcase"
Do you need an ark?
I Noah guy.
To the man in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket
You can hide but you can't run
If you regret your vote in 2016, don’t worry about it
Hindsight is 2020
What do you give a sick lemon?
Lemonaid.
What do you call a hippies wife?
Mississippi.
There was a Pirate Captain who had an interesting way of pillaging ships..
Prowling the edges of dangerous waters where storms and large reefs were common, the Captain and his crew would pick out the most stricken merchant vessels limping out of a storm, then swiftly close in. Once their pirate ship was alongside the merchant vessel however, the pirates wouldn't then go all cannons and cutlass on their prey. Instead, they would signal over to the merchant vessel, offering to repair the damage to their ship for but a small fee. Having barely survived the storm and taking in more water than they could bail, the crew of the merchant vessels would readily agree. Once payment had been made, the Pirate Captain would send five of his own crew to board the merchant vessel, along with a large wooden crate of tools. They would then proceed below decks and start work. Unbeknownst to the crew of the merchant vessel, two of the Captain's most stealthiest pirates were hiding in the large wooden crate of tools. Once below decks, they would pop out and get to work too, raiding the hold of the merchant vessel and taking all the valuables, jewels and gold pieces they could get their hands on. Quickly tossing their spoils into the large wooden crate, the other two would then work alongside the other five once the crate was full. When the repairs were complete and the seven crewmen had returned with the crate full of booty, the pirate ship would depart as swiftly as it had arrived, before the the crew of the merchant vessel noticed anything was missing. Bragging about his ill-gotten gains amassed using this tactic, the Pirate Captain was booed and jeered at by his counterparts for employing such dishonourable methods. His reply? "Arrr.. it's not loot-boxes I be using! They be the surprise mechanics, and they be quite ethical.."
My wife just admitted to me that she broke my favorite lamp.
I don’t think I’ll be able to look at her in the same light ever again.
What’s a group of chubby newborns called?
Heavy infantry
After you die, what part of your body is the last to stop functioning?
Your pupils. They dilate.
My boss told me to attach two pieces of wood together.
Totally nailed it.
You know why vaccinated children are more likely to have autism?
They live past the age of three
Minneapolis City is disbanding the police
So now it's just Minnea City
I seen this while scrolling through Facebook and i think the big noses qualify enough.
https://ift.tt/2WVozS1
Yesterday, a beautiful girl asked me if I wanted to watch a movie.
She said, "What movie would you like to see?" I said, “You pick." She said, “You pick." I said, “I don't care. You pick." She said, “Sir, there are people waiting behind you waiting to buy tickets."
Running out of toilet paper, in a time like this, makes sense
I always knew we would wipe ourselves out
As an immigration officer, I may not always agree with your point of view..
But I can see where you are coming from.