Got to be ready at any cost
Kermit The Frog and Henry The Eighth…
…have the same middle name
Genie: OK, I’m ready for your third wish.
Me: Third? What about the first two? Genie: Well, this is a little unusual, but after your first wish, you screamed like a madman and said "I wish I'd never made that wish!" So that counted as your second wish, and I erased your memory of both of them. Me: Well, OK. I wish I really understood how women think. Genie: Granted. By the way, that was your first wish, too.
A young woman goes to her doctor… (NSFW)
A young woman goes to her doctor about two small rashes on her thighs. The doctor tests her for allergies, and then asks “Ma’am, are you a lesbian?” The woman stares for a second, then says “Yes, I am. Why?” “There’s the problem.” the doctor said “Tell your girlfriend to stop wearing cheap earrings.”
Hillary under investigation=guilty, but Trump under investigation=witch hunt.
https://ift.tt/2WLlJPk
What Do You Call Slutty Potatoes?
Tater Thots
I have a very important job in my company. I make sure that there are enough seats when the Directors meet.
Basically, I'm the Chairman of the Board.
I’ve been diagnosed with a terrible disease that makes me tell an abundance of airport jokes…
The doctor says it’s terminal
Anyone want to help me make a TV show about Abraham Lincoln?
The plan is to shoot it in front of a live audience.
The power went out in my house today.
I was delighted.
My friend and I frequently give conjugal visits to an all-female prison, to remind the inmates what it’s like for a selfless guy to go down on them.
It just gives us some scents of perp puss.
Hey /r/CleanJokes, police related jokes just aren’t funny!!
So give it arrest…
Why was the locomotive outstanding in his field?
He trained.
I think my neighbor might be stalking me.
She's googled my name a few times, I saw it through my telescope last night
Why is ‘Dark’ spelt with a K, and not a C?
Because you can't C in the dark.
The bartender says, “we don’t serve time travelers in here!”
A time traveler walks into a bar.
What did the Power Ranger say after being sent to the hospital?
It's morphine time.
Why did the blind man fall down the well?
Because he couldn't see that well.
Who is a Covid-19 patient’s favorite composer?
Drycoughsky
I sleep better naked.
Why can't this flight attendant understand that?
I had 12 bottles of whisky in my basement.
However, my wife did not approve of this ownership of liquor, so she asked me to dispose of it in the sink. And since I didn't dare oppose her, I commenced my precarious mission thus: I pulled the cork out of the first bottle, and poured the contents down the drain, except for one glass which I drank. Then I pulled the cork from the second bottle, poured the contents in the sink, except for one glass, which I drank. Then I pulled the cork off the third bottle, poured one glass, except for the content, which I drank. Then i pulled the cork out of the fourth sink, poured the bottle in the glass, which I drank. I then pulled the cork out of the next glass, poured the cork in the bottle and pulled the glass. After that, I pulled the cork out of the bottle, poured the sink in the bottle and put the cork in the bottle with the glass and pored the whisky on the bottle. When all the bottles were empty, I had to support the house with one hand while I counted bottles, corks and glasses with the other hand. I got 29, precisely. To be absolutely sure, I counted once more. This time I got 74 again. When the house was passing by I counted everything again, and lastly all the houses, bottles and sinks, except for one cork that I poured in the house and drank…
How does a Jewish person make tea?
Hebrews it
My wife told me take the spider out instead of killing him.
We had a few drinks, what a great guy. Turns out he’s a web designer.
Why must the grocery store workers let the customer decide if they want paper or plastic?
Because baggers can’t be choosers.