Got to love stock photos and wife hate
Did you hear about the Utah National Guard’s new IMI-made .44 Magnum?
It's called the Deseret Eagle.
Son: Dad, have you seen my sunglasses?
Dad: No, have you seen my dadglasses?
Hi Reddit! My name is Joseph, and I am the son of Stephen King. AMA!
I would post proof, but it's obvious that I'm Joe King.
Before I became a dad, I was truly concerned that I wouldn’t know how to be a good father
Thankfully, turns out it's in my blood. I come from a long line of Fathers.
I’ve never really understood it why would you become an Islamic suicide bomber on the off-chance you might get 72 virgins when you die.
Become a Catholic priest and get them now.
What do you call a sad strawberry?
A blueberry
My wife just admitted to me that she broke my favorite lamp.
I don’t think I’ll be able to look at her in the same light ever again.
What’s E.T. short for?
He's only got little legs
Shrödinger’s Homo Thought Experiment
I would like to take this time to discuss the thought experiment of Schrödinger’s Homo. You all have probably heard of Schrödinger’s Cat, as well as people saying “no homo” after a seemingly homosexual type of interaction. I believe there is a problem in this philosophy. If you do not think, or say anything that implies the existence of there being homo, then therefore, we do not know if there is homo in the situation. However, by saying “no homo”, you immediately imply the possible existence of homo in the situation, and therefore, there is homo and you have ruined the entire situation. Therefore by saying “no homo” it does actually mean that it is homo.
How many Alzheimer’s patients does it take in to screw in a lightbulb?
To get to the other side
I’ve heard the Canadian Prime-Minister has a French last name.
Is this Trudeau?
My dad passed away last year because my family didn’t know blood type in time for the doctors to do a transfusion.
As he was dying he kept saying "be positive" but it's hard without him.
I went to a premature ejaculator’s support group today.
Turns out I came early.
The Avatar should come back to us when he gets old.
Like a good boomer Aang.
We went to a wedding and my drunk wife asked me what I thought of her dancing.
I said, “You are just staggering.”
My wife packed my bags and kicked me out of the house.
As I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!" "Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"
Oh dad!
https://ift.tt/2M1XqsC
When I was a kid, my Dad asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I was greedy and came up with the “brilliant” idea to ask for 10 thousand bucks instead of a toy so that I could buy heaps of toys.
To my surprise he shrugged and said sure. On Christmas Day, I excitedly tore open my gift box. To my anger and disappointment, it only contained 10 plastic toy pigs and deers. “Daaaaaddd!!!!” I wailed in tears. Dad gave me the biggest shit-eating grin and said “Well, I got you ten sows and bucks just like you asked.”
My mum used to feed me alphabet soup when I was a kid
She insisted on me telling everyone that I loved it. I didn't really, she was just putting words in my mouth
FYI, If your boat turns upside down, you can wear it on your head.
– – – Because it's capsized
I saw an onion ring.
So I answered it.
Maybe ICE should go after real criminals instead of invading Sanctuary Cities?
https://ift.tt/2SLiwid
A Spaniard is walking through a grocery store
He spies a carton on the shelf labeled "Soy Milk" He smiles to himself and says softly "yes you are"
My wife is constantly changing her name, but gets mad at me when I call her the new name.
Sometimes it's hungry, sometimes it's tired, sometimes it's angry. Please help.
If you’re bi and single then you aren’t bisexual
Your bi yourself
I’m fine letting other people dot my i’s, but crossing my t’s?
That's where I draw the line.
How do you measure the heaviness of a red hot chili pepper?
Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now.
What do you do with 365 used condoms?
Melt them down, make a tyre and call it a good year.
I just ate a frozen apple
It was hardcore
Orion’s Belt is a huge waist of space.
No text found
[Picture] Im selling a microwave on facebook and asked my dad to send me pictures of the inside of it to show a buyer.
I wasn't disappointed https://imgur.com/gallery/gCDyE8C
To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camo jacket.
You can hide, but you can’t run.
9 months later!!!
John decided to go skiing with his buddy, Keith. So they loaded up John's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night. 'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.' 'Don't worry,' John said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.' The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing. But about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend. He dropped in on his friend Keith and asked, 'Keith, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?' 'Yes, I do.' Said Keith. 'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?' 'Well, um, yes!,' Keith said, a little embarrassed about being found out,'I have to admit that I did.' 'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?' Keith's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?' She just died and left me everything.' (And you thought the ending would be different!)