GOT
They say you have a 50% chance living next to a sex offender.
Lucky I live next to a sexy 12year old.
Last night I was out for a few drinks.
One thing lead to another and I had a few too many cocktails and then went onto the wine. Not a good idea. Knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave my car at the pub and took a bus home. Sure enough, I passed a police checkpoint, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breathalyzer tests. Because I was in a Bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise as I've never driven a bus before and I am not even sure where I got it from.
I buy all my guns from a guy named T-Rex…
He's a small arms dealer
The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage
She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one!"
My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought.
It’s an extremely rare dish order.
How was the roman empire cut in half
With a pair of Caesars
A guy walks into a bar with an octopus.
He sits the octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented octopus. He can play any musical instrument in the world. He hears everyone in the crowd laughing at him, calling him an idiot, etc. So he says that he will wager $50 to anyone who has an instrument that the octopus can't play. A guy walks up with a guitar and sets it beside the octopus. The octopus starts playing better than Jimi Hendrix, just rippin' it up. So the man pays his $50. Another guy walks up with a trumpet. The octopus plays the trumpet better than Dizzie Gillespie. So the man pays his $50. Then a Scotsman walks up with bagpipes. He sits them down and the octopus fumbles with it for a minute and sits it down with a confused look. "Ha!" the Scot says. "Can't you play it?" The octopus looks up at him and says, "Play it? I'm going to fuck it as soon as I figure out how to get its pajamas off."
I hate immigrants…
If i could find a country that didn't take immigrants in I'd move there…
How do you turn a boat into a hat?
Just turn it over, and now it's capsized!
The government denied tax exemption for my church that believes Jesus spoke with a lisp
It was a real slap in the faith
How many kids with ADHD does it take to change a light bulb?
Let’s go play on our bikes.
Why was the locomotive always hungry?
It had a really hard time choo choo chooing it’s food.
Did you hear about the chameleon who couldn’t change color?
He had a reptile dysfunction.
What do you call a man with a shovel?
Doug. What do you call a man without a shovel? Douglass.
If I could ask Neil deGrasse Tyson anything, it would be…
How different do you think your life would have been if your parents named you Moe instead of Neil and would you still use your full name?
I just wrote an article trying to compare different versions of The Bible.
There was a lot of Cross referencing.
My wife says I’m getting fat, but in my defense….
I’ve had a lot on my plate recently
We were going to have chicken for supper, but ended up having rabbit.
It was a game changer.
I want to hear 99 people sing ‘Africa’ by Toto.
It’s something that a hundred men or more could never do.
Me: *shaking 8 ball* will tonight’s party be amazing?
8 ball: i’m a pile of cocaine, what the hell do you think?
A man goes to a prostitute…
A Man goes to a prostitute and asks for a blow job. She says it'll be $150. He says "what can I get for $50?" "A penguin." He didn't know what a penguin was, but it was a bargain. He agrees and she pulls his pants and underwear to his ankles and begins to blow him. After a few minutes without a word, she stops what she's doing, stands up and walks away. The man, pants still around his ankles, begins waddling after her, "Hey what's a penguin??!!"
I used to have a dog with no legs named “Cigarette”
And every now and again I would take him out for a drag.
What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?
If we don't get some support, people are going to think we're nuts!
Statistics show that 1 out of 3 people in a relationship are unfaithful….
Now I just need to work out if that's my wife or my girlfriend.
What’s ET short for?
So he can fit in the spaceship
My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought.
It’s an extremely rare dish order.
