What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooooom!
Who do you call a guy with a block of iron on his head?
A metalhead \M/
I just bought Spider Man pyjamas
I hope he likes them
The boss caught an employee drinking at work.
He said: -"You can't drink while you're working!". The employee replied: -"But I'm not working". They both laughed a lot, and he got fired.
TUTORIAL: “How to Fall Down the Stairs”
Step 1: Step 4: Step 9: Step 15:
I went to the doctors recently. He said: “Don’t eat anything fatty”
I said: “What, like bacon and burgers?” He said, “No. fatty don’t eat anything.”
Why do chicken coupes have 2 doors and not 4?
http://bit.ly/2ECQ4Zh
I’m so excited! Scientists have tested cloning on humans.
Im beside myself
A girl and guy are laying in bed after sex
She turns to him and says, "Babe I need to tell you something, I used to be a Christian." He said: "That doesn't bother me any!" She responded: "That's a relief, I much prefer being a Christine."
I broke my finger today
But on the other hand im fine
I was finally able to get my DVD player to stop playing.
I didn't think it was pause-able.
When do astronauts eat?
At launch time
A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to one of those big “everything under one roof” stores looking for a job.
A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to one of those big "everything under one roof" stores looking for a job. The manager asked, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid said, "Sure, I was a salesman back home in Texas." The boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did." His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to see how things went. "How many sales did you make today?" The young man replied without hesitating, "One." The boss said, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?" The kid said, "$101,237.64." The boss said, "$101,237.64?! What the hell did you sell?!" the kid said, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4×4 Blazer." Amazed, the boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a truck?" "No sir, he came here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, 'Well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing.'"
What is E.T. short for?
Cause he has little legs!
I reported a bug for a game that came out yesterday, the cause had me laughing so hard
https://ift.tt/2LJIXR8
I said to my psychiatrist, “My wife thinks I’m crazy because I like sausages.” He replied, “I don’t think you’re crazy. I like sausages too.”
"Really?!" I shouted. "You should come over to my house and see my collection!"
My penis was in the Guinness Book of World Records
Then I got kicked out of the library.
If I was addicted to masturbation, and then became addicted to sex,
would it be safe to say that my addiction got out of hand?
Two years ago my doctor told me I was going deaf…
I haven’t heard from him since…
If having sex for money makes you a whore…
Then does having sex for free make you a non-profit whoreganisation?
Toasters
Were the first form of pop up notifications
Three men, Joe, Bro, and Buddy, all lived in a small town.
One day, Joe went hunting alone, and for the next few days no one heard from him. About a week afterwards, a body was found and brought into the coroner’s office. The coroner, after thoroughly examining the body, needed a positive identification in order to verify that the body was indeed Joe. So, he brought in Bro and Buddy, and told them to come in separately to identify the body. Bro came in first, and was asked to look for any details about the body that he recognized. After a few minutes of examining, Bro said, “Mr. Coroner, I’ll need you to turn the body over for me to be sure.” Confused, the coroner obliged. Bro continued to examine the body, bent down on one knee, reared his head sideways, then stood up and said, “No sir, this can’t be Joe.” The coroner was even more confused, but he accepted this statement and sent Bro out. Next, he invited Buddy in to repeat the task. Buddy, after examining the body in a similar fashion to Bro, also requested that the body be turned over. The coroner, after mumbling a bit about his confusion, flipped the body over. Buddy too bent down on one knee and examined the back area of the body, then, just as Bro had previously, said, “No sir, Mr. Coroner, this isn’t Joe.” The coroner was astonished, so he asked that Bro come back in so that the two of them were standing there at once. The coroner said, “Gentlemen, this man’s dental records and features match perfectly with those of your friend Joe’s. How on earth are you both positive this isn’t him?” Bro and Buddy looked at each other, then Bro answered, “Sir, this can’t be Joe because Joe has two assholes.” In shock, the coroner asked, “How can he have two assholes? Have you ever seen them?” Buddy replied, “No sir, but it was common knowledge. Every time we were out with him, people would say, ‘Look, it’s Joe with those two assholes!’” Credit goes to my grandmother, who was the first to tell me this joke.
Have You Heard The One About The Sheep?
It's baaad…
Dad: I’m giving all your toys to the orphanage
Kid: Why are you doing that? Dad: So you don't get bored there.
I know now why Trump wants to build a wall
It's been years since he managed to erect anything
Why did the coffee file a police report
It got mugged
I accidentally joined an organization…
I accidentally joined a pro-secession organization. When I tried to leave, I was elected as their chairman. EDIT: Thanks for the gold, kind stranger!
What’s the difference between a shitty golfer and a shitty skydiver?
The shitty golfer goes, -WHAM!- "FUCK!" The shitty skydiver goes, "FUCK!" -WHAM!-
I was wondering why the frisbee was getting bigger
Then it hit me
Pen and paper is a great way to write stuff down, but I prefer using a whiteboard.
They’re just so remarkable…
My first job was working at an orange juice factory
..but, I got canned because I couldn’t concentrate.
The question I have is which of these two’s photos has better meme potential?
The question I have is which of these two’s photos has better meme potential?
Ikea failed miserably at processed meat products business
Someone ordered meatballs and Ikea sends them a cow with DIY instructions