Gotta love dad jokes
Wife: I have something I need to tell you, I’m pregnant.
Husband: Hi pregnant, I’m Dad.
Wife: No you’re not.
Peter Parker didn’t always want to be a super hero
He originally had dreams of being a web designer
I asked my Wife “Am I the only one you’ve been with?”
“Yes… but I’ve had some sevens and eights.” She replied.
I bought my friend an elephant for their room
They said, "Thanks." "Don't mention it," I answered.
Why is it tough to tell jokes to kleptomaniacs?
Because they keep taking the jokes- literally.
Does this creepy lighter that I found in an antique shop today count as Boomer Humor?
https://ift.tt/37jjVAQ
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
You look for fresh prints.
Little Michael watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. “Why do you do that, mommy?” he asked. “To make myself beautiful!” said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.
"What's the matter?" asked little Michael. "Giving up?"
Accidentally gave my girlfriend a gluestick instead of chapstick.
She still isn't talking to me.
Before you get angry at someone, walk a mile in his shoes,
That way you will be a mile away and have his shoes.
Did you hear about the ghost that was arrested for inhabiting a bottle of cola?
He was done for possession of coke.
Don’t be sarcastic with a kleptomaniac.
They take everything literally
Boobs are like the sun.
You can stare at em longer if you're wearing sunglasses.
If you ever become depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before going to sleep…
That'll give you a reason to get up in the morning.
My wife said last night “You treat our marriage like it’s some sort of game”
Which unfortunately cost her 12 points and a bonus chance
My grandfather keeps telling us that when he dies, we should try to convert his ashes into a diamond.
That’s a lot of pressure.
Yesterday I spotted an albino dalmatian.
It was the least I could do for the guy.
A man gets pulled over by the police…
A man was stopped by the police around 2 am. The officer asked him where he was going at that time of night. The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late." The officer then asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?" The man replied, "That would be my wife."
Made this a bit ago during a chem lab. Thought you guys would appreciate it :D
https://ift.tt/2AwRSmp
What vegetable has a hard time breathing? Artichokes!
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I saw a 4 year old girl crying, all alone
"Are you ok?" I asked her. "Do you know where your mommy and daddy are?" "No" she sobbed I love doing volunteer work at the orphanage
I didn’t realize my dad used to steal board-games from the toy store.
But when I look back now, all the Clues added up.
Did you know the flag of Japan is actually a pie chart?
Of how much of Japan is Japan.
A friend of mine used to be morbidly obese, but after lots of exercise and hard work…
We were able to lift his coffin.
Her: You got a vasectomy without telling anyone! Are you kidding me?
Me: Technically I can’t.
Two unemployed guys are talking. One says, “I’m going to become a lion tamer.”
The other replies, "That's crazy, you don't know nothing about no lion taming." "Yes I do!" "Well, OK, answer me this. When one of those lions comes at you all roaring and biting, what you gonna do?" "Well, then I take that big chair they all carry, and I stick it in his face until he backs down." "Well, what if the lion takes that big paw, and hooks the chair with them big claws, and throws that chair out of the cage? What do you do then?" "Well, then I takes that whip they all carry, and I whip him and whip him until he backs down." "Well, what if that lion bites that whip with his big teeth, and bites it in two? What you gonna do then?" "Well, then I take that gun they all carry, and I shoot him." "Well, what if that gun doesn't work? What will you do then?" "Well, then I pick up some of the shit that's on the bottom of the cage, and I throw it in his eyes, and I run out of the cage." "Well, what if there ain't no shit in the bottom of the cage? What you gonna do then?" "Well, that's dumb. Cause if that lion comes at me, and he throws the chair out of the cage, and he bites the whip in two, and my gun don't work, there's going to be some shit on the bottom of that cage, you can bet on that."
Did you hear about the burglary at the detergent factory?
The thief made a clean getaway
Husband: Why are the defective condoms lying on the sofa?
Wife: What? Wife goes to find them and comes back angrily saying: I will kill you, if you don't stop calling our children 'Defective Condoms'. Edit: Guys this is just a dark joke… It's not real… I didn't overhear any conversation like that… And I don't have any kids of my own…
Someone ripped some pages out of both ends of my dictionary today…
It just goes from bad to worse…
How did Billy feel after he dropped his toothpaste?
Crestfallen.
I’m so good at sleeping…
I can do it with my eyes closed!