Gotta Love hypocrisy in the morning.
Comedian doing crowd work gets an answer he wasn’t ready for and handles it perfectly
https://youtu.be/rV8XhzG_rAg
What always comes at the end of Thanksgiving?
The letter G
I have a fear of overly complicated buildings
I have a complex complex complex
If I started a band called “Ceiling”…
Would that make the people who enjoy my music “Ceiling Fans”?
Is it just me or is 21 pilots 19 more than they need?
No text found
To the person who stole my glasses, I’m warning you
I have contacts.
A slice of apple pie costs $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
What’s ET short for?
So he can fit in the spaceship
I got called pretty today.
Actually the full statement was "You're pretty dumb" but I'm only focusing on positive things today.
So I told my friend that this guy that hosted a party had a golden toilet
He didn't believe me one bit. So we went to the guy's house and when the door opened, it was his mother. We asked if I could show my friend your golden toilet because he doesn't believe it. She looked at me for a while, then shouted back into the house, "Rick, the guy who shit in your trumpet is here!"
My ex-wife cheated on me with her deaf best friend!
Honestly, I should have seen the signs.
The greatest Schrodinger punchline…
or maybe not.
Last saturday I went to a stand up comedy event
The only joke there was me, so you can imagine how bad it was.
What do you call 5 black guys having sex in 1789?
A threesome.
Are you pissed?
Wife: Not necessarily. Me: Ok. So you are pissed but, unnecessarily?
Where do spiders get their drugs?
The deep web
My friend keeps telling me to cheer up…
He said, "It could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole filled with water." I know he means well.
New job
A guy goes into the US postal service to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, “Are you allergic to anything?” He replies, “Yes, caffeine. I can’t drink coffee.” “OK, have you ever been in the military service?” “Yes,” he says, “I was in Afghanistan for one tour.” The interviewer says, “That will give you 5 extra points toward employment.” Then he asks, “Are you disabled in any way?” The guy says, “Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles.” The interviewer grimaces and then says, “Disabled in your country’s service! Well that qualifies for extra bonus points. Okay.” Looking at the regulations you have got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 AM to 4:00 PM. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 AM every day.” The guy is puzzled and asks, “if the work hours are from 8:00AM to 4:00 PM, why don’t you want me here until 10:00 AM?” “This is a government job,” the interviewer says. “For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that.”
What Fish work in hospitals?
Sturgeons.
My girlfriend is fed up of my constant wordplay jokes, so I asked her, “How can I stop my addiction?”
"Whatever means necessary," she replied. "No it doesn't." I said.
HELP MY HATS ARE STUCK
MY CAPS LOCKED
My lesbian neighbours bought me a Rolex for my birthday.
It's a really nice gift, but it's not quite what I meant when I said "I wanna watch"
So my actor friend wants out of the “biz”
I suggested he become a pharmacist. He says he's got no experience. I said "whatever," all you do is follow the script!
The guy who invented predictive text died last night…
his funfair is next monkey
Her: Why don’t you write a book instead of your stupid word play jokes?
Me: That’s a…..novel idea.
This morning at breakfast, my dad looked at us very seriously and said, “It hurts me when I say this..”
..”But I have a sore throat.”
What do you call a short mexican?
A paragraph, because hes too short to be an esse
My buddy recently cloned himself and had sex with his clone.
Many people were disgusted, but it's none of my business so I told him: "You do you."
Do you wanna hear a ghost joke ?
that's the spirit.
This is big brain time…
When the smart kid corrects the teacher about plasma Me:Laughs in Bose Einstein condensate! I don’t even go to school anymore I graduated, why am a making school memes at 3 AM…
My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought.
It’s an extremely rare dish order.
Nurse: I’m going to deliver the baby
Me: Actually, we'd like him to keep his liver