Gotta love instagram
certain circumstances funny
Morbidly obese. I know I shouldnt joke about obese people they've got enough on their plate.
It writes other words too.
That means I have one up on history's greatest scientific genius. Because I'm not dead.
I recently discovered I can move my sister’s daughters through the air with my brain but not her sons.
I think I have telekinieces.
On Tatooine you can find Mos Eisley. On Hoth you’ll find ice mostly.
So we stopped playing chess.
I was at the deli counter behind another dad and his son the other day. He has his hands full – the kid was screaming for candy, cookies… all sorts of things. The dad kept saying in a controlled voice: “Easy, William, this won’t take long. Just chill out.” He had another outburst in the cereal aisle and his dad just said "Settle down, William. Just a couple more minutes and we’ll be out of here. Hang in there, buddy.” At the checkout, I see him in the next lane over and the kid is throwing items out of the cart. His Dad says again, super-calmly, “William… William, relax! Don’t get upset. We’ll be home in ten minutes. Just stay cool, William.” It was impressive. So, as we're both walking out of the store I turned to him and said “I'm sure it’s none of my business, but you were amazing back there. I don’t know how you kept your composure. I might have snapped if my son was in that kind of mood. William is very lucky to have you as his dad!” And he said “Thanks! But actually, I'm William. This little shit's name is Collin.”
"Well, you're half right."
But he really enjoys hearing them, so I don’t think I’ll quit just yet.
Dad: Sure! But can you pass me my dadglasses first?
It's where I flip your MOM over
Because Ken always came in a different box.
It only feels like a maternity
He chose the electric clippers, but I got the straight blade. Despite being twins, we were razed differently.
Cos 0 = 1
Haha, I made you smile.
The second time was a big let down!!!
At the end of the physics lecture, I asked my professor, “Can you tell me what happened before The Big Bang?”
The professor replied, “Sorry. No Time.”
The pessimist sees a tunnel. The optimist a light a the end of the tunnel. The realist sees a train…
The train engineer sees three idiots on the railroad tracks.
Wife: "How could you do this to me?!" Husband : "what did I do?" Wife: " You slept with my sister, you bastard!" Husband : "Well, when I went to work she was lying naked on my table and you know she's an attractive woman, what did you expect me to do?" Wife: "The fucking autopsy."
A lip reader
No text found
I’d be like, where the fuck do all these nickels keep coming from?
Then I thought to myself no, it doesn't.
Which is lucky, because all my sex is made up
“Hello 911.” “What’s your emergency?” “These men won’t stop laughing.” “That’s annoying, but not a crime.”
“Wtf is manslaughter then.”
50¢ ft. Nickelback.
They did unspeakable things to me
A woman hears a knock on the door and when she opens the door a man asks this. Man: Do you have a vagina? Woman slams the door in disgust The next morning she hears a knock again and answers the door. The man asks the same question Man: do you have a vagina? She slams the door again. Later that night when her husband comes home from work she tells him what's happened the past 2 days. The husband says in a concerned voice "Honey I'm going to take the day off work tomorrow and stay with you incase that creep shows again". The next day there is a knock at the door again, both the husband and wife rush to the door, the husband whispers " I'm going to hide behind the door, if he asks the question again say yes because I want to know where he's going with this" The man asks again " do you have a vagina?" Woman answers " yes actually I have a vagina, why? " The man replies " oh wow good! That means you can tell your husband to start using it and leave my wife's alone!".
Instructor: don't lick my lips again.
But my mother told me that it wasn’t polished enough
I told her, I for one, like Roman Numerals.
Boss: "Problem? No such thing, we call it an opportunity!" Man: "Ok, I have a serious drinking opportunity."
“Some asshole has my pen.”