Gotta love the conservative mindset
What’s the difference between a fish, guitar, and a pot of glue?
“You can tune a guitar but you can’t tune a fish” “What about the pot of glue” “I knew you’d get stuck on that”
Have you met Bruce Lee’s vegan brother?
He’s called Broco Lee.
How many Freudian analysts does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two. One to change the bulb, and one to hold the penis. Edit: *Father Edit: * LADDER!!!! Dammit.
I’ve decided that from January 1st, I’m only going to watch things that are 1080p and above.
It's my new year's resolution.
I occasionally enjoy leaning on things.
When I'm so inclined.
A guy goes to a Halloween party with a beautiful girl on his back….
The host asks him, "And what are you?" The guy says, " I'm a snail." The host says "And who's that on your back?" "That's Michelle!"…
What’s blue and not very heavy?
Light blue
I have a scary joke to tell you about maths
But I’m 2² to tell it!
My grandmother is over eighty and she still doesn’t need glasses.
She drinks right out of the bottle.
Why was the fool left hanging?
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I can’t believe I got a life sentence for a little insider trading
The judge called it "organ harvesting", but that's just semantics
A girl walks into a gun store and falls onto a weapon rack.
The gunstore owner says: She just fell into my arms
I almost got raped in jail
My family takes monopoly too seriously
Me: “I’m going to clone myself”
Dad: "that would be just like you".
I was in a long McDonald’s drive-through this morning and the young lady behind me leaned on her horn because I was taking too long to place my order.
“Take the high road,” I thought to myself. So when I got to the first window I paid for her order along with my own. The cashier must have told her what I'd done because as we moved up she leaned out her window and waved to me and mouthed "Thank you.", obviously embarrassed that I had repaid her rudeness with kindness. When I got to the second window I showed them both receipts and took her food too. Now she has to go back to the end of the line to start all over. Don't honk your horn at old people.
Why did the sun never go to college?
It already has thousands of degrees.
What’s green and has wheels?
Grass…… I lied about the wheels.
Why did the cow cross the road?
To get to the udder side
The easiest abortion I’ve ever performed was on a stripper.
It was like taking a baby from Candy.
My mother used to tell me this joke time and again when I was a child.
A mosquito got old enough to fly on his own, when he came back his mother was happily waiting for him. -"How was your first flight, my dear?" The mother asked. -"Amazing." He answered "Everyone thought I was doing great!" -"Oh yeah? What makes you think that?" -"Well, wherever I went people started clapping!"
How do you write a cliffhanger?
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Someone ripped some pages out of both ends of my dictionary today…
It just goes from bad to worse…
The garbage man looks sad.
Yeah, he's wheelie bin depressed.
I recently found out I was colorblind
The diagnosis came completely out of the purple 😀
Today my dad celebrated his 62nd birthday.
It was only a minute long.
My friend asked me, “Is sex weird after one gets a vasectomy?”
I said, “I don’t notice a vas deferens.”
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the pub.
But it's a 35 minute walk from the pub to my house. The difference is staggering.
A bishop walks straight up to the bar and the barman says
You can't do that. Bishops can only move diagonally.
I’m a time traveler, just arrived from 1990
It took me thirty years to get here.
My local drug dealer started dressing up as a Jehovah’s Witness so he wouldn’t arouse suspicion.
He got arrested after the police saw people actually letting him in.
I wonder if old houseflies tell the younger ones stories like:
"Back in my day, it was Monday".
