My wife accused me of being immature…
I told her to get out of my fort.
When my dentist reminded me about my wifeโs sensitive gag reflex, we laughed and laughed about it for a while…
Then I remembered… Me and my wife have different dentistsโฆ
Why can’t you hear a pterosaur go to the bathroom?
Because the p is silent.
Arthur is 75 years old. Heโs played golf every day since his retirement 15 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast. โThatโs it,โ he tells his wife. โIโm giving up golf. My eyesight has become so bad that once I hit the ball I couldnโt see where it went.โ
His wife sympathises and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down she says, โWhy donโt you take my brother with you and give it one more try.โ โThatโs no good,โ sighs Arthur, โyour brother is 85. He canโt help.โ โHe may be 85,โ says the wife, โbut his eyesight is perfect.โ So the next day Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes a mighty swing and squints down the fairway. He turns to the brother-in-law and says, โDid you see the ball?โ โOf course I did!โ Answers the brother-in-law. โI have perfect eyesight.โ โWhere did it go?โ Arthur asks. โI donโt remember.โ
Three brothers were competing to see who was able to give their elderly mother the best birthday gift
The first one bought her a mansion. The second one bought her a Porsche. The third one, knowing how religious their mom is, bought her a remarkable parrot. It took 18 monks 10 years to teach him how to recite the whole Bible. Itโs one of a kind, it cost 20 million dollars. After some time, their mother sent out her letters of thanks: "John," she wrote to the first one, "The mansion you bought is too big. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the entire house." "Peter," she wrote to the second one, "Iโm too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Porsche." "Dearest Samuel," she wrote to her third son, "You have the good sense to know what your mother likes. That chicken was absolutely delicious!"
What my girlfriend thought on our first four dates
Nice shirt. Wow. A second nice shirt. OK, first shirt again. He has two shirts.
If youโre dating someone who doesnโt enjoy Star Wars puns…
Then youโre looking in Alderaan places
I phoned up the wine shop.
I said, "Hi, do you do deliveries?" He said, "Yes, sir. Of course." "Superb," I said, "I've got a Domino's Pizza ready to pick up."
I was having a good day until I stopped to pet a duck in the park….
Now I'm feeling a little down.
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France?
It was horrible, nothing left but de Brie.
Is this sub still active?
There haven't been any posts all year! australia squad
A dung beetle walks into a bar…
Is this stool taken?
Why aren’t porcupines allowed to become bartenders?
They always spike the drinks.
An ancient mathematical joke
https://ift.tt/2NzJIMz
My friend is spreading rumours about me being schizophrenic.
Well, three can play that game!
I saw Santa following me around in the mall, and I asked him why.
He said, โChristmas stalking.โ
What did daddy spider say to baby spider?
You spend too much time on the web
I’ve been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
A movie with a 3.14 rating is a pirated movie.
No text found
I got fired from my last job even though I always gave 100%.
Apparently thatโs not how you grade exams.
A young muslim boy asks his dad ” what are you wearing on your head?”
The father said: "Why, my son, it is a 'chechia.' In the desert it protects our heads from the intense heat of the sun.โ "And what is the long flowing robe you are wearing?โ asked the boy. โOh, my son!โ exclaimed the father โIt is very simple. This is a 'djbellah.' As I have told you, in the desert it is not only very hot, but the sand is always blowing. My djbellah protects the entire body." The son then asked: "But Father, what about those ugly shoes you have on your feet?โ "These are 'babouches' my son,โ the father replied. You must understand that although the desert sands are very beautiful, they are also extremely hot. These babouches keep us from burning our feet." Son asks " what is that black tent mom and sister are wearing ?" Father :" It's called a burkha , it helps the hot desert sand from hitting the face during a sandstorm" . "So tell me then," added the boy. "Yes, my sonโฆโ "Why are we living in Birmingham and still wearing all this shit?
Words cannot express…
…how limited my vocabulary is.
Bread is like the sun
it rises in the yeast, and sets in the waist
I changed my iPodโs name to Titanic
Itโs syncing now
The creator of mad libs died this week.
His friends described him as a warm and pulpy man who loved his wife and pelicans. He will be deeply pooped.
My therapist just told me that I have serious trouble verbalizing my emotions.
Canโt say Iโm surprised.
Did you know crocodiles can grow up to 15 feet?
But most of then just have 4.
As a man, I consider myself a friend and ally to the LGBTQ+ community
I, personally, have helped several women realize they were lesbians.
Did you hear about the two criminals who stole a calendar?
They both got 6 months. P.S this is my first ever post! Please be nive