Gotta twist
A student visits the principal’s office one day and the principal says to him, “What’s your name, son?” He replies: “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.” The principal looks up and asks him, “Oh, do you have a stutter?”
The student replies, “No sir, my dad has a stutter and the guy who registered my name was an asshole.”
Why couldn’t Hitler eat oranges?
Because he hated the juice.
For those of you who were superstitious yesterday, today should be worse…
It's Pi day the 14th, expect irrational fear
John Travolta was hospitalized earlier today for suspected COVID-19.
Doctors now confirm that it was only Saturday Night Fever and they assure everyone that he is Staying Alive.
Two kids were playing around inside and broke a window.
It was a pane to replace.
What’s the difference between sanitizer and moisturizer ?
One will burn your eyes, the other will moisturize
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the pub.
But it's a 35 minute walk from the pub to my house. The difference is staggering.
My Wife wore a “Vaccines cause autism” shirt
She was insulted, punched and spit on Not to imagine what would have happened if she left the house!
Principal: Sorry to call you in, but your son set the school on fire.
Parents: Arson? Principal: Yes, your son.
The word “diputseromneve” may look ridiculous…
…but backwards, it’s even more stupid…
What happens if a cow drinks her own milk?
It comes in at one end, and out the udder
[Possibly OC] How excited was Wendy to go to Neverland?
She was so excited that she nearly Peter Pans.
What did Sushi A say to Sushi B?
Wasabi!
I’ve just discovered that I have a logic fetish
I can't stop coming to conclusions
I ate too much alphabet soup
Now I’m sitting on the toilet with a massive vowel movement….
Before my surgery my anesthetist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle
It was an ether/oar situation
If you’re not part of the solution,
you're part of the precipitate.
Sex with boss
A boss said to his secretary, "I want to have SEX with you I will make it very fast. I'll throw $1000 on the floor, by the time you bend down to pick it I'll be done." She thought for a moment then called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend then said to her, do it but "Ask him for $2000, pick up the money very fast he wouldn't even have enough time to undressed himself." So she agrees. Half an hour goes by, the boyfriend decides to call girlfriend, he asks, "what happened?" She responds, "The Bastard used coins I'm still picking and he is still fucking!"
My wife divorced me so I took her wheelchair…
Guess who came crawling back?
I hate crowds, and just walked into a room full of married people.
Thankfully, there wasn’t a single person in there.
Two nuns are walking down the street when they notice that a man is following them.
Sister Michael, the older and wiser nun, says to the young and naïve Sister Patrick, "See that crossroad ahead? You go left and I'll go right: he can't follow us both. We'll meet back at the Abbey." So the sisters part and the man follows Sister Michael. Some time later, Sister Patrick is anxiously waiting at the Abbey when Sister Michael returns alone. "Thank the Lord you are alright!", exclaims Sister Patrick. "But what happened to that man? "Well," replies Sister Michael, "After a few minutes, I stopped and pulled up my dress." Sister Patrick stares in shock. "Then," continues Sister Michael, "he stopped and pulled down his trousers." Sister Patrick gasps. "Oh Sister, why would you let him do that?" "Because," explains Sister Michael, "a nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his trousers down!" Thanks to my English teacher for telling my class this when we were 13.
My girlfriend doesn’t like to argue about Indian food.
She's pretty naan confrontational.
It takes guts to be an organ donor
No text found
What’s a decent Asian stereo type?
Sony and Yamaha are my favorite.
My girlfriend left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working, goodbye”
What a liar! I opened the fridge and it's working just fine.
Ralph came home drunk one night
slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber. He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, ’You died in your sleep, Ralph. . ’ Ralph was stunned. ’I’m dead? No, I can’t be! I’ve got too much to live for. Send me back!’ St. Peter said, ’I’m sorry, but there’s only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken. ’ Ralph was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. . The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground. A rooster strolled past. ’So, you’re the new hen, huh? How’s your first day here?’ ’Not bad, replied Ralph the hen, but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I’m gonna explode!’ ’You’re ovulating, ’ explained the rooster. ’Don’t tell me you’ve never laid an egg before? ’ ’Never, ’ said Ralph. ’Well, just relax and let it happen, ’ says the rooster. ’It’s no big deal. ’ Ralph did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! Ralph was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg — his joy was overwhelming. As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife yell. . . . . "Ralph! Wake up you dirty bastard. You've shit the bed"
I’m still not going to forgive them for all the running in high heels though.
https://ift.tt/2Y0bzgs
A blonde rings up an airline and asks: “How long are your flights from America to England?”
The woman on the other end of the phone replies: "Just a minute". The blonde thanks her and hangs up the phone.
