Gottem
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It takes me 10 minutes to walk to the bar, but an hour to walk home.
The difference is staggering.
My dog has a creepy obsession with trees…
All he ever does is talk about their skin…
Three pilots died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates…..
'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.' The Army helicopter pilot thumbed through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said. It did make light; you may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said The Navy C-2 pilot reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.' Saint Peter said, 'they had a ring to them, you may pass through the pearly gates'. The Air Force fighter pilot started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women'spanties.. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?' He replied, 'These are Carols.' And So The Christmas Season Begins. . .
I’m a 50 year old with a 20 year old body
How do I bury it
Sex therapists claim that the best way to arouse a man is to spend 10 minutes licking his ears.
Personally I think it’s nuts.
Why do cows have hooves?
Because they lactose.
What do you call an atheist business?
A non-prophet organization.
I got a job grooming police horses
I hate working with the fuzz… But it's a stable job.
What’s the difference between a sentence and a cat?
A sentence has a pause at the end of the clause but a cat has claws at the end of its paws
My sex life is hot like the Sahara desert.
Just two palms and no dates.
Why did the Mexican take Xanax?
For hispanic attacks.
A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment building
A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment building. While there, a stunning young woman came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes of flirting, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming." He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?" Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It has to be your ears." Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are a full 38 inches and 100 percent natural. I work out every day and my ass is firm and solid. I have a 28 inch waist. Look at my skin, not a blemish anywhere, how can you say the best part of my body is my ears?" Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside when you heard someone coming… that was me"
To be honest, this is the sub in a nutshell
https://imgur.com/a/7cAWQeD
Just so everyone is clear
I will put my glasses on.
I have an EpiPen
My friend gave it to me when he was dying, it seemed very important to him that I have it.
Dad does dementia run in the family?
"I don't remember." (Offical dad joke from my dad)
What is the least spoken language in the world?
Sign Language
Somebody complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen, it said “Parking Fine”. So that was nice.
Be careful today when searching “Giant Black Hole Pics”
All I keep getting are scientific articles.
I never wanted to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker
But when I got home all the signs were there.
Her: “Undress me with your words.”
Him: "There's a spider in your bra."
I can never go back
A mature woman goes to the doctor and asks his help to revive her man's sex drive. "What about trying Viagra?" asks the doctor. "Not a chance" says Mrs. Murphy. "He won't even take an aspirin for a headache." "No problem" replies the doctor. "Drop it into his coffee, he won't even taste it. Try it and come back in a week to let me know how you got on." A week later Mrs. Murphy attends Surgery and the doctor enquires as to how things went. "Oh it was terrible, just terrible doctor." "What happened?" asks the doctor. "Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee. The effect was immediate. He jumped straight up, swept the cutlery off the table, at the same time ripping my clothes off and then proceeded to make passionate love to me on the tabletop. It was terrible." "What's terrible?" asked the doctor. "Was the sex not good?" "Oh no doctor, the sex was the best I've had in 25 years, but I'll never be able to show my face in McDonald's again."
Did you hear cheese and meat sales have gone up in India?
Apparently there is a New Delhi.
I had a scary math joke…
But I'm 22 to say it
Can a Ninja throw Stars?
Shur-he-kan
How do you drown a hipster?
you throw him into the mainstream
My 4 year old son just got me with a dad joke I hadn’t heard before.
My son was playing with his teenage mutant ninja turtle action figures, and was making them fight each other. Me: "Where are their weapons? Are they just fighting with their bare hands?" Son: "No, they are fighting with their turtle hands." Doesn't have a clue why I was laughing so hard.
My friend fell in an Egyptian river last week, but swears he didn’t.
He was in De Nile
I asked my dad why he still buys vinyl.
He said, “Records are always a sound purchase.”
What do you call a smart-ass prisoner falling down the stairs ?
A condescending con descending.
I’ve got a hen who can count her own eggs…
She’s a mathamachicken…
Hay bales under a buck
https://ift.tt/2rYyv1i
A man arrives to the airport with three bags
A man arrives to the airport with three bags. He walks up to the counter and says, “I have a ticket for Los Angeles. Would you be so kind as to send this bag to San Francisco, this one to Miami, and if at all possible this one to Japan?” The gate agent replies, “Sir, that is flatly impossible!” He counters, “That’s a lie, you did it last time I flew with you guys and I didn’t even ask!”
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the pub.
But it's a 35 minute walk from the pub to my house. The difference is staggering.
A girl once said about me “He’s the one!”
Granted I would have preferred she didn't say it in a police lineup. But you have to take what you get.
They say that Christmas is a Pagan holiday, but…
A senior figure secretly dispensing the contents of his sack for every child he can get to sounds pretty Catholic to me.
