GPS stands for God Positioning System
Casualty of War
https://ift.tt/2K74qmF
My wife told me take the spider out instead of killing him.
We had a few drinks, what a great guy. Turns out he’s a web designer.
As the animals left the ark, Noah told them to go forth and multiply. After some time, Noah came upon two snakes who were just lying there sunning themselves…
So Noah asked them, ”Why aren’t you multiplying?” The snakes replied, “We can’t, we’re adders.”
My girlfriend just left me because I’m too insecure.
No, wait, she's back – she was just making lunch.
I would stay away from the Soviet Union
There's a lot of red flags you need to watch out for.
Double Negative !
A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. “In English,” he said, “a double negative forms a positive. In some languages though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative.” “However,” he pointed out, “there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative.” A voice from the back of the room piped up, “Yeah. Right.”
My friend asked if i had heard of Pavlov
But it didnt ring a bell
What do you call a mythical creature with a cold?
Achoopacabra
My Uber passenger texted me before I pulled up to the pin…
I receive a ping 3 miles away as I’m approaching the ping I get a text “ honk your horn excessively until I come outside when you get to xxx address I’ll tip $20”. So I pull up to the pin and start blowing my horn for a solid min. My passenger comes out looking a little annoyed he gets in and we head to his destination. We pull up to his house and his dad is standing outside waiting for him, he greets him and asked how his ride was, he said the drive was great but the fucker blew his horn non stop until I came outside. His dad said that’s weird and handed me a $20.
Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer, recently received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and they would send an inspector to interview them.
On the appointed day, the inspector turned up. "Tell me about your staff," he asked Paddy. "Well," said Paddy, "there's the farm hand, I pay him £240 a week, and he has a free cottage. Then there's the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free board and lodging. There's also the half-wit. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work, earns about £25 a week along with a bottle of whisky and, as a special treat, occasionally gets to sleep with my wife." "That's disgraceful" said the inspector, "I need to interview the half-wit." "That'll be me then," said Paddy.
Someone threw a giant bottle of omega-3 pills at me
I'm fine – i only suffered super fish oil injuries
What do you call two oranges rubbing together?
Pulp Friction
How do you top a car?
Tep on the brake, tupid!
So this guy with premature ejaculation comes out of nowhere
That’s it… that’s the whole fucking joke.
A man and his wife are watching tv. He keeps switching between fishing and porn.
After a while, the man’s wife says, “Keep it on porn, you already know how to fish.”
Xbox was struggling…
but they really turned it around with the 360.
If a girl is uncomfortable watching you masturbate, do you think:
A. She is a prude and you have no future together. B. You two should spend more time together so she can get used to that level of openness. C. She should have sat somewhere else on the train?
Why are teeth so privileged?
They’re straight and white.
My dad’s star sign was cancer which is ironic considering how he died
He was attacked by a giant crab
At a recent interview, I was asked where can I see myself in 2 years time…
I don't know, it's not like I have 2020 vision!
George Foreman named all his kids George Foreman.
He even used the name when he had a little grill.
A pessimist sees a dark tunnel.
An optimist sees light at the end of the tunnel. A realist sees a freight train. The train driver sees 3 fucking idiots standing on the train tracks.
I got fired from my job because I kept asking my customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct terms are “Cremation” and “Burial”.
I have a friend who keeps trying to convince me he’s a compulsive liar…
…but I don’t believe him…
Since it’s Fathers Day, my wife asked if I could tell dad jokes all day tomorrow.
I told her I don’t know anyone named Morrow.
How does NASA throw parties?
They planet.
I couldn’t believe I got to use this
Wife-Can you be serious for a minute? Me-*grins* Ok and you be Shirley Wife-I'm serious! Me-Shirley you can't be Serious, I'm Serious This actually happened. 🙂
I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage.
It was bread in captivity.
They say pineapple juice makes your cum taste better.
But for me, it just ruins the pineapple juice.
My ex girlfriend was obsessed with trying to find the largest known prime number.
I wonder what she is up to now.
Reverse cowgirl is set to be outlawed in Alabama.
Cause you don't turn your back on family.
I never wanted to believe that my father stole from his job as a road worker.
But when I got home, all the signs were there.
