GPS stands for God Positioning System
Sam and Becky are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary when Sam says to Becky, “Becky, I was wondering if you’ve ever cheated on me?” Becky replies, “Oh, Sam, why would you ask such a question now? You don’t want to ask that question…” “Yes, Becky, I really want to know. Please…” “Well, all right, three times…” “Three, hmmm. When were they?” “Well, Sam, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start that business on your own and no bank would give you a loan? Remember, one day the bank manager himself came over to the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked…” “Oh, Becky, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, to do such a thing for me. So when was number two?” “Well, Sam, remember when you had that last heart attack and you needed that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you? Then remember how Dr. Morris came all the way up here to do the surgery himself and then you were in good shape again…” “I can’t believe it, Becky, that you would do such a thing for me, to save my life… I couldn’t have a more wonderful wife… All right then, when was the third time?” “Well, Sam, remember a few years ago when you really wanted to be president of the fishing club and you were 97 votes short…”
8:00: 1 8:10: 0 9:23: 1 9:28: 0 0:13: 1 0:20 0 1:47: 1 1:55: 0
Because it’s capsized.
Or at least that's what I read in her diary
Because You can't c in the dark
She said, “I think the baby is coming” Me: I don’t think he can get in. He will be underage.
You have my Word
Then does having sex for free make you a non-profit whoreganisation?
I made several discoveries
i thought to myself, that's a little condescending.
They always quack the case.
The story goes that Attila used to collect exotic animals that he found during his conquests. He particularly liked dangerous or fearsome animals, and his favourite was a giant snake. He was so fond of it, it was said that he brought it with him on every campaign. But his snake lost its appetite, and soon stopped eating altogether; perhaps due to the stress of frequent travel and an irregular diet. Wishing to save his prized pet, Attila sought help from the local chirurgeons and witch doctors. None of them could do anything for him, until a wizened sage suggested feeding the serpent only young female virgins. Attila was pleased with this idea, and was delighted to find that a city he had raided just happened to have a Christian convent with a convenient supply of the recommended food for his pet. But the snake refused to eat, or even touch any of the consecrated virgins from the convent. Enraged, Attila sent for the soothsayer who advised him to have him executed. Standing before Attila, the old man calmly said, “Before thou killest me, may thee first bring the snake and one of the women to me.” Curious, Attila did as he asked. Then the old man took some bread and gave it to Attila. “Now hold these in both hands,” he instructed. Attila did so, and as soon as he did, the snake let out a terrifying hiss, and swallowed the virgin whole. To an amazed Attila, the old man simply said, “Thy anaconda don’t want nun unless you’ve got buns, Hun.”
Later as I walked past the hive where it came from I said "Thank you bees for making the best honey in the world." A few shouted back "It's good but we wouldn't say it was the best honey in the world." Oh I thought, they must be humble bees.
I meant to buy a bottle of whisky On my way back home I felt like I could fall off my bike and end up breaking the bottle of whisky So I decided to drink it all at once right there It was the best decision of my life because on my way back home I fell off my bike like 8 times.
It’s not the end of the word.
My doctor said it's my grains…
Its what they call Ninjary time.
But that’s another storey.
Sister Michael, the older and wiser nun, says to the young and naïve Sister Patrick, "See that crossroad ahead? You go left and I'll go right: he can't follow us both. We'll meet back at the Abbey." So the sisters part and the man follows Sister Michael. Some time later, Sister Patrick is anxiously waiting at the Abbey when Sister Michael returns alone. "Thank the Lord you are alright!", exclaims Sister Patrick. "But what happened to that man? "Well," replies Sister Michael, "After a few minutes, I stopped and pulled up my dress." Sister Patrick stares in shock. "Then," continues Sister Michael, "he stopped and pulled down his trousers." Sister Patrick gasps. "Oh Sister, why would you let him do that?" "Because," explains Sister Michael, "a nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his trousers down!" Thanks to my English teacher for telling my class this when we were 13.
The other one replies, “Yes. I believe that comes from sitting on these wicker chairs.”
…but he’s good people…
One says: "look out for that cactus!" The other replies: "what cactusssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss?"
One is a member of the Gestapo. One is an Imperial Japanese officer. And one is a Fascist Italian Commander. They are all sitting in their holding cell discussing what they are going to do when they get interrogated. The German says, "My superior German spirit and intelligence will make it impossible for them to break me." The Japanese says, "It is only through my undying devotion to the Emperor that I will be able to withstand their torture." The Italian says, "I'm fucked." The German is the first to be interrogated, and as he leaves they wish him luck. Nearly a whole day passes before the German returns to the cell, covered in bruises and blood. The other two ask him what happened. "Even my perfect genes could not protect me from their methods. I have failed my country," Next, the Japanese is up to be interrogated. 3 days pass and he returns to the cell. His eyes are both black, fingers broken, and body bruised and bloodied. "I have dishonored myself and my Emperor. When they release me, I must commit honorable seppuku." Lastly, the Italian is up, and he leaves already begging for his life. A whole week passes before he returns. Beaten nearly to death, he is carried in by 2 soldiers. One of the soldiers jeers, "I can't believe you guys broke instead of this dago." The other 2 are shocked. Amazed that this Italian could take their punishments and not break. They ask him how he did it. "I wanted to give in immediately, but I couldn't speak." "What do you mean you couldn't speak?" The others ask. "They tied my hands behind my back."
Because the p is silent.