Grabbed by the Pussy!
Your essays should be like a girl’s skirt
Long enough to cover the subject, short enough to keep it interesting
Satan arrives to welcome a new damned soul to hell.
"Congratulations!", he says, "You wasted your entire pitiful life!" "Well," the man replies, "at least I'm not a adult living in my father's basement." Satan, fighting back tears: "Fuck you, go to hell!"
Why is the Australian emergency line is“000”?
Because it’ll look the same when your phone is upside down.
Is Google male or female?
Female, because it doesn't let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion.
Girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic…
But if I’m gonna have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
How do you tell the difference between someone from Dubai and someone from Abu Dhabi?
People from Dubai don't like the Flintstones. People from Abu Dhabi do.
Just found two lumps on my car battery
Got them tested, one came back positive. I hope it's not terminal.
I only believe in 12.5% of everything the Bible says.
Which makes me an eighth theist.
What should you do if you see a famous person at a water park?
Ask them for their watergraph.
DAD: [grabs chest] Quick! Call me an ambulance.
ME: [hesitantly] You're… an ambulance? DAD: I'm- I'm so proud of you, son […dies]
Did you hear about the man who lost his left arm and left leg in an accident?
He's all right now.
What’s the difference between Donald and a piece of fruit?
Oranges have thick skin. Let the downvotes fly, people! You've only got one!
What’s the difference between your life and a pencil?
The Pencil has a point.
Wife: I have blisters on my hands from using the broom all day
Husband: Well next time take the car then silly
I have a friend who was born on May 7th. Every year for his birthday I re-gift him a pristine 3 foot long fence pole. He hates it, but I have a perfect record.
It might be stupid, but it's a perfect 5/7, wood repost again.
We should get all the ex-USSR states back together
Then we could have a Soviet re-Union
I ate a clock yesterday and it was very time consuming.
especially when I went for seconds
Your uncle David just lost his ID
Now you can call him uncle Dav.
Who would win in a fight. Athletes or Prisoners?
It's hard to say, they have their pros and their cons.
What do you call a man with a car on his head?
An ambulance! He's got a car on his head!
To be frank…
i'd have to change my name
The joys of a “custom” CMS…
If I never have to deal with another “custom CMS” ever again, it’ll be too soon… The latest one that’s been inflicted upon me, inspired me to make this meme:https://ift.tt/3fAGfuV
What did the grape do when he got stepped on?
He let out a little wine.
My landlord wants to talk to me about my high heating bills every month.
I said, “Sure. My door is always open.”
I just got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows and nuts…
I won’t lie, it was a Rocky Road…
My girlfriend really likes to cosplay as gardening tools.
Often, she's a hoe.
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes
But it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut.