Grammar may be old but she sure can play
A young kid is walking home from school when a car pulls up alongside him…
The driver says "get in the car". The kid says "No way!" and keeps walking. The driver says "Get in the car and I'll give you a candy bar!" The kid says "No way. A candy bar won't do it." The driver says "Get in the car and I'll give you a candy bar and twenty bucks!" The kid says "Look Dad, you bought the Volvo, YOU deal with it."
My girlfriend and I began having sex at 1:58AM this morning and didn’t stop until 3:01AM.
Thanks daylight savings!
My grief counselor died recently
Clearly did a good job, because I didn't care
There was recently a new type of mite discovered, and its existence might date back to prehistoric times
They're naming it dinomite
When you die, which body part dies last?
The pupils, they dilate.
I asked my Mom if I was ugly…
She said, "I told you not to call me Mom in front of people."
Why is Antarctica sad?
Because its iceolated
My wife gave birth to a baby boy in the car on the way to the hospital.
I named him Carson.
I asked my wife to describe me in 5 words
She said I'm mature, I'm moral, I'm pure, I'm polite and I'm perfect. Then she added that I also had a fundamental lack of understanding about apostrophes and spaces.
It was 10 years ago today that my best buddy Dave came running out of the room shouting “ it’s a boy!” with tears tears streaming down his face….
….We never went back to Thailand since!
What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?
We’d better get some support or people will think we’re nuts.
A blonde, brunette, and a redhead are all in the 9th grade. Which one is the sexiest?
The blonde, because she's the only one who's 18
You can’t breathe through your nose while smiling.
Of course you can! I just wanted to make you smile.
Why did the white supremacist not mind going blind?
Because he was used to nazi-ing.
The self-cannibal at work got into trouble for making fun of me.
He really put his foot in his mouth.
A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work
A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman’s husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already. The little boy says, “Its dark in here.” The man says, “Yes, it is.” Boy ~ “I have a baseball.” Man ~ “That’s nice.” Boy ~ “Want to buy it?” Man ~ “No, thanks.” Boy ~ “My dad’s outside.” Man ~ “OK, how much?” Boy ~ “$250? In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together. Boy ~ “Its dark in here.” Man ~ “Yes, it is.” Boy ~ “I have a baseball glove.” The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, “How much?” Boy ~ “$750? Man ~ “Fine.” A few days later, the father says to the boy, “Grab your glove, let’s go outside and have a game of catch.” The boy says, “I can’t, I sold my baseball and my glove.” The father asks, “How much did you sell them for?” Boy ~ “$1,000? The father says, “That’s terrible to overcharge your friends like that…that is way more than those two things cost. I’m going to take you to church and make you confess.” They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door. The boy says, “Dark in here.” The priest says, “Don’t start that crap again.”
Chinese takeout $15.00, gas to get there $1.50
Getting home to find they’ve forgotten one of your dishes. Riceless.
A man and a woman are sitting beside each other in the first class section of the plane. The woman sneezes, takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose, and shudders quite violently in her seat.
The man isn’t sure why she is shuddering and goes back to reading. A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders quite violently in her seat. The man is becoming more and more curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes pass. The woman sneezes yet again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders violently again. The man has finally had all he can handle. He turns to the woman and says, "Three times you’ve sneezed and three times you’ve taken a tissue and wiped your nose then shuddered violently! Are you sending me signals, or are you going crazy?" The woman replies, "I’m sorry if I disturbed you. I have a rare condition and when I sneeze, I have an orgasm." The man, now feeling a little embarrassed but even more curious says, "I’ve never heard of that before. What are you taking for it?" The woman looks at him and says, "Pepper."
There was a kidnapping at my sons school
It's ok though, he woke up.
While on vacation in Spain with my wife..
I I started to feel funny. I had some pain in my chest and felt short of breath. I chalked it up to the long day we had just had, but I continued to feel worse. As we got out of the taxi and walked into the hotel, I collapsed. It became apparent to my wife and I that I was having a heart attack. I thought for sure I would die because the nearest hospital was 1/2 hour away. Suddenly from the back room came a woman wielding defibrillators. She shouted to the other staff to help and they ripped off my shirt and restarted my heart right there in the hotel. The ambulance arrived 20 minutes later, but thanks to this amazing woman my life had been saved. I spent the night in the hospital but I got out around noon the next day. I went back to the hotel to thank this woman. I said, “I’m amazed that a hotel this small has a full time doctor as skilled as yourself!” She replied, “No one expects the Spanish Inn physician.”
Why is every gender equality officer in a company female?
Because it is cheaper
How do dancers ensure job continuity during the Covid crisis?
They twerk from home.
They said that a mask and gloves were enough to go to the supermarket.
They lied, everyone else has clothes on.
Found a bullet in my avocado
Guess you can call it glockomole
What do you call a careful wolf ?
Aware wolf.
How many Germans does it take to change a light bulb?
One. They’re efficient and not very funny.
My girlfriend threw some Omega 3 capsules at me today…
It’s okay though, I only have super fish oil injuries.
I asked my welsh friend how many sexual partners he’s had.
He started counting but he fell asleep.
Why is everyone so tired on April 1st?
The just went through a grueling 31 day March.
I warned my daughter about using her whistle inside and gave her one last chance…
Unfortunately, she blew it!
Real dad joke story time.
I was in a medieval literature class in college and the professor asked the class, "what can we tell about courtly love." To which I respond, "well, she wasn't much help to Kurt Cobain." No one laughed while I beamed with pride at my joke.
What’s brown and sits on a piano stool?
Beethoven's final movement
I heard the woman who wrote Beyblade died today.
Let her RIP.
I saw my dwarf neighbor at a bus stop
"Jump in, I'll give you a lift home" I said. "Fuck off" he shouted back. "What an ungrateful little cunt" I thought as I zipped my backpack and continued my walk.
Did you hear about the girl so in love, she’d rather blow her boyfriend than go out shoe shopping?
Talk about head over heels!
