Grammar
The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you're shit.
A guy said to God, “Is it true that to you a billion years is like a second?”
God said yes. The guy said, "God, is it true that to you a billion dollars is like a penny?" God said yes. The guy said, "God, can I have a penny?" God said, "Sure, just a second."
How do you tell if noodles are old?
If they’re pasta expiration date.
A guy sits down in at a bar and asks for a bowl of hot chili…
The bartender says, "Sorry, but the guy next to you got the last bowl". He looks over and sees that the guy has finished his meal, but the bowl of chili is still full. He asks, "Are you going to eat that chili?" The other guy says, "No. Help yourself". He slides the bowl of chili over and starts to eat. When he gets about half way down, his spoon hits something. He looks down sees a dead mouse and immediately pukes all the chili back into the bowl. The other guy says, "Yeah, that's about as far as I got, too".
They say make up sex is the best
Which is lucky, because all my sex is made up
Justice is a dish best served cold
If it were served warm it would be JustWater
Little Tommy was born as just a head, no arms, no legs, no body.
One day he turns to his Mom and says, “Mommy Mommy, if I’m a good boy all year and I eat all my vegetables will Santa bring me a body for Christmas?” “We’ll see!”, says Mom. The year goes by and Christmas arrives, Little Tommy wakes up bright and early to discover, right below his neck, a torso. He rolls down the stairs yelling “Mommy Mommy, Santa brought me a body!!” “That’s amazing Darling!”, Mom replies. Almost a year goes by and Christmas rattles around again. “Mommy Mommy, if I’m a good boy all year and I eat all my vegetables will Santa bring me arms for Christmas?” “We’ll see!”, says Mom. The year goes by and Christmas arrives, Little Tommy wakes up bright and early to discover, sure enough, Little Tommy has arms. He leaps onto his palms and down the stairs yelling “Mommy Mommy, Santa brought me arms!!” “That’s amazing Darling!”, Mom replies. Almost another year passes and Christmas arrives again. “Mommy Mommy, if I’m a good boy all year and I eat all my vegetables will Santa bring me legs for Christmas?” “We’ll see!”, says Mom. The year goes by and Christmas arrives, Little Tommy wakes up bright and early to discover, a pair of fully functional legs with feet to boot. He sprints down the stairs yelling “Mommy Mommy, Santa brought me legs!!” “That’s amazing Darling!”, Mom replies. Little Tommy can’t believe his luck. “Mommy Mommy, I just have to go tell Little Billy I have legs!” Little Tommy throws open the front door, bounds outside and is immediately killed by a passing car. The moral of the story? Quit while you’re a head.
One day Stalin decides to go to the cinema in disguise and hear what people are really saying about him.
When the newsreel comes on the audience stands up and applauds each time he appears on the screen. Stalin is pleased. Modestly, he himself remains seated. After a few moments the man next to him leans over and whispers “Most people feel the same way you do Comrade, but you’ll be safer if you stand up.”
Why are hamsters like cigarettes?
They're completely harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
Someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick!
..I had no idea anyone could stoop so low!
I loaned my girlfriend $100 sometime soon after we met. After 3 years, when I broke up with her, she returned exactly $100.
I guess I just lost interest in that relationship.
The American military should really be worried…
Russian technology is a decade ahead of them at the moment.
I’m on a plane and the lunch choices are white meat chicken or German sausage. Unfortunately, I’m seated in the last row.
I’m hoping for the breast, but preparing for the wurst.
Yesterday I saw a police officer wearing a pilot’s uniform. I thought it was a bit odd…
Then I realized, he was one of those plane clothes cops…
Why can’t you email a photo to a jedi?
Because attachments are forbidden
A lumberjack went in to a magic forest to cut a tree. Upon arrival, he started to swing at the tree, when it shouted, “Wait! I’m a talking tree!”
The lumberjack grinned, “And you will dialogue!"
A nihilist, a socialist, and a neo-marxist walk into a bar and order drinks.
"We don't sell alcohol to anyone under 18", says the bartender.
What happens to an egg every time you look at it?
It becomes egg sighted
I was just attacked by a man with a rack of spices!
It was a salt and peppery.
How would you spot a blind man at a nude beach?
It's not hard
I ordered a thesaurus from Amazon but when it was delivered all the pages were blank.
I have no words to describe how angry I am.
Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?
Because they lactose.
A man went into a toy store and ripped the arms off of every teddy bear in the store. Why did the judge let him go free?
He had the right to bear arms.
A farmer is lying in bed with his wife….
when he turns to her grabs her tits and says "Honey if you could get milk out of these we could sell the cow". Then he grabs her pussy and says "Honey if you could get eggs out of here we could sell the chickens". She turns to him smiles,grabs his dick and says "Honey if you could get this up I could get rid of your brother"
My marriage just ended because I didn’t open the door for my wife.
I swam for the surface instead
Sergeant: “Smith! I didn’t see you at camouflage practice today!”
Private Smith: “Thank you, Sir!”
I didn’t think wearing orthopedic shoes would help me…
I stand corrected.