Grandpa always keeps conversations fun.
Told this Chemistry joke before on here…
… But I got a very bad reaction
I was in a liquor store and an employee asked me “Do you need help?”
I said "Yes, but I'm going to get whiskey instead"
You know, my hen counts her own eggs…
She’s a mathemachicken
Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows trend?
I hear it’s making real headlines.
Where is truth produced?
In the fact-ory.
Why did the Mexican take a Xanax?
For Hispanic attacks
This sub is really disappointing me lately.
I'm going to try the meatballs next time.
WAITER: are you ready to order?
DAD: I’ll have the rabbit stew WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after I bring it … DAD: I’ll have the chicken
Why should you never fight a dinosaur
You will get jurasskicked
My wife claims that she can wax my chest hair without any pain at all.
I’m nervous she won’t be able to pull it off.
Mother Superior had to crack down on sisters wearing perfume in the convent.
She said she would not tolerate such nun scents.
Two antennae got married
The ceremony was alright but the reception was EXCELLENT!
There are 10 types of people in this world.
Those that understand binary, and those who don't.
My boss just told me that I’m the worst mailman he has ever seen.
Shit. I meant to post this somewhere else.
A student visits the principal’s office one day and the principal says to him, “What’s your name, son?” He replies, “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.” The principal looks up and asks him, “Oh, do you have a stutter?”
The student replies, “No sir, my dad has a stutter, but the guy who registered my name was an asshole.”
The owner of the local strip club has a lisp.
I tried to go last night, but they were clothed.
Waiter: Do you wanna box for your leftover food?
Dad: No thanks, but I’ll wrestle you for them.
Tonight I took my son to hockey practice and realized my wife forgot to pack his jersey from the dryer.
She told me she had everything, and I was in a rush. So it got left behind. Figured it out right away as we were getting him changed and messaged my wife. She said she would bring it right away. I told my son "You mom is going to run your jersey over" Without skipping a beat, he replied "Well that won't work, practice will probably be over. I wish she would just drive it over" Then he gave me a huge grin. I told him he won the dad joke of the day and he continued smiling all the way until bedtime.
Remember, because of synonyms, “Forgive me Father, for I have sinned”…
…and "Sorry Daddy, I've been naughty" are the same sentence.
The doctor says to me, “I’ve got bad news and worse news”
Me: What's the bad news? Doctor: You've got 24 hours to live. Me: Then what's the worse news!? Doctor: I forgot to call you yesterday
I TA a CS class, and a student put some facts in his first-quarter self-assessment…
https://ift.tt/36BV9wv
As I looked into her eyes, I felt my knees go weak and butterflies in my stomach.
That's when I realized I drugged the wrong glass!
“This egg carton has a barncode.”
https://i.redd.it/q7jnircmftq41.jpg
You know what’s really odd?
Numbers not divisible by 2.
The barman in the pub looked over at me said, “Your glass is empty. Fancy another one?” “
Why would I want two empty glasses?" I asked
I asked my wife to dress as my favourite Star Wars character for some sexy birthday fun
I walked into the bedroom that night and I was shocked, "Love, Jabba the Hut is not my favourite Star Wars character" I exclaimed, "Fuck off" She shouted "I haven't got dressed yet"
A judge was interviewing a South Carolina woman regarding her pending divorce and asks, “What are the grounds for your divorce?”
"About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by." "No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?" "It is made of concrete, brick, and mortar," she responded. "I mean," he continued, "what are your relations like?" "I have an aunt and uncle and 12 cousins living here in town, as well as my husband's parents." The judge took a deep breath and asked, "Do you have a real grudge?" "No,we have a two-car carport and have never really needed one cuz we don't have a car." "Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?" "Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music – all that hip hop and rap tap – but we can't seem to do anything about it." "Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?" "Yes, he gets up every morning before I do and makes the coffee." The judge asked, "Is your husband a nagger?" "Oh, hell no, he's as white as you and me!" Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why in hell do you want a divorce? "Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce, my husband does. The damn fool says he can't communicate with me."
What’s heavier a gallon of water of a gallon of butane?
Water because butane is a lighter fluid.
She texted me: “your adorable” I responded saying “no. YOU’RE adorable”
Now she thinks I like her even though I was just correcting her grammar.