“Grandpa tell us this story about you surviving falling from 3rd floor”
If it sinks, it’s a girl ant. If it floats, it’s buoyant.
Because being ugly every day sucks… 🙁
When Biden is speaking you wonder if he's had a stroke. When Trump is speaking you wonder if you've had a stroke.
It’s because his legs are little
This guy just started at his new job, working at an adult shop. His boss comes out and tells him that he has to leave for a while, and "can you handle it? " The new employee is somewhat reluctant, but with the boss's positive comments he finally agrees. So, the guy is there by himself for a little while and a white woman comes in. She asks, "How much for the white dildo?" He answers, "$35." She: "How much for the black one?" He: "$35 for the black one, $35 for the white one." She: "I think I'll take the black one. I've never had a black one before. "She pays him, and off she goes. A little bit later a black woman comes in and asks "How much for the black dildo? He: "$35." She: "How much for the white one?" He: "$35 for the white one, $35 for the black one." She: "Hmmm…I think I'll take the white one. I've never had a white one before…"She pays him, and off she goes. About an hour later a young blonde woman comes in and asks, "How much are your dildos?" He: "$35 for the white, $35 for the black." She: "Hmmmmm….how much is that plaid one on the shelf?" He: "Well, that's a very special dildo…it'll cost you $165." She thinks for a moment and answers, "I'll take the plaid one, I've never had a plaid one before…." She pays him, and off she goes. Finally, the guy's boss returns and asks, "How did you do while I was gone?" To which the salesman says, "I think I did good, I sold one white dildo, one black dildo, and I sold your thermos for $165!"
The polar bear.
But "enjoy your next 24 hours" sounds threatening.
What does smoking marijuana do?
It was hardcore
What the Fork is this Bullshirt?
Her: It’s Hume. Me: Sorry, whom is your favorite philosopher?
It's the only day I'll tolerate high maintenance people.
Nice lady and all, I truly loved her, but a terrible surgeon
It’s not a very long poem, but it’s pretty deep.
The protests in Hong Kong have been continuous for 160 days, proving the country does not belong to China.
Because nothing made in China has ever lasted more than a week.
… I'm just trying to figure out why they were all carrying bags of candy 🤔
No, wait, she's back – she was just making lunch.
They lost my case.
To beat the crowds.
Picked him up in a night club. He looked like a woman. Smelled like a woman. Danced like a woman. Even kissed like a woman, but as we arrived back at his apartment he reversed his car into a tight parking slot in one fluid movement!…. That's when I thought "Fucking hell there's something wrong here"
It is LAYHEEHOO
I said: “No, but I’ll wrestle you for them!”
Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country in the world.
I have a complex complex complex
Me: thanks for reminding me
Does that mean toasters don’t toast toast toast toast toast?
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, ‘I almost had an affair with another woman.’
The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?' The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.' The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put £50 in the poor box.' The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!' The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the £50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'
Way to leave me hanging guys
It's cutting edge technology.
15 seconds, give or take.
My friend said to me, “Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?” I said, “Go on, then.” He shouted, “NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
I said, “That’s Superman.” He said, “Thanks man, I’ve been practicing a lot.”