Granny posted this on Facebook
Rip it! 6 year old son just came up with this. I'm sure he's not the first to think of it, but he came up with it on his own and i got a good chuckle out of it. 🙂
He won the no-bell prize.
One girl says “the sky is definitely blue” that is wrong One boy says “the leaves are definitely green” that is wrong One boy asks “are farts lumpy?” The teacher says no, He says “then I definitely shit my pants”
We were smoking a joint in front of a guy’s store, and he came out and said, “Excuse me, we have No Smoking rules here.”
I said, “Thanks man. Most other places have tons of smoking rules.”
There‘s one less drunk.
People always ask where I got my incredibly detailed tattoo done, but they never believe me when I tell them Spain.
Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision.
Dad: clenches fist Mom: DON’T Dad: sweats profusely Mom: … Dad: HI GAY I’M DAD
But none of them work.
Husband: "Hi Pregnant, I'm Dad" Wife: "No you're not…."
I'll let you know.
I exist and she doesn't
I said, "But Baby, its cold outside."
Son: I hope you enjoy it. Dad: From now on,…… I’ll start living in the present.
"Like a boycott?" "Don't you start"
He wasn't being very trans parent.
My next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster.
Sneak in ten minutes late with a bullshit excuse. Slink down low at my desk. Pray to God nobody asked me any questions. I was the best teacher ever.
Because he has an ereptile dysfunction.
The pupils, they dilate.
It's much nicer having some company.
They called it "Haulin' Oats."
A single woman looks in her fridge, sees nothing appetizing and goes to bed. A married women looks in her bed, sees nothing appetizing and goes to the fridge.
I’ve adjusted the price to allow for inflation.
I can barely walk, but when I fart, the room smells lovely.
Nothing, they fast.
Because he was 2²
Never use A-minor.
He responded, “Aisle B, Back”
Bob came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber. He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, ‘You died in your sleep, Bob.’ Bob was stunned.
I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!' St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.' Bob was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground. A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?' 'Not bad,' replied Bob the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!' 'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster. Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?' 'Never,' said Bob. 'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal.' Bob did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! Bob was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg — his joy was overwhelming. As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife yell, 'BOB, wake up! You've shit the bed!
You could say he was bread for the job.
It just doesn’t listen.
…”we don’t serve your type!”