Gravity is beautiful
She replied, "Aisle B, back"
So I came home and moved it to a lower shelf.
“Do you need a bag sir?” Me: Jesus, she’s not that ugly
It had a vowel movement.
So when they get back to port, they can Scandinavian.
No text found
I said maybe.
All I did was take a day off.
I lost interest in that relationship
I responded with "I have a math test tommorow" She looked a bit confused so I said "I thought we were listing things we could cheat on."
Pearl Harbor might have been an accident.
Before the crowbar was invented, most crows drank at home.
A new study has found that white envelopes tend to be delivered faster than envelopes of any other colour
I guess you could say that there's… white mail privilege
Me: (handing baby back to him) Bring me the one my wife made
You’re good, how am I?
I’ve got a meeting with the guy that invented the progress bar during the era of dialup internet. He’s going to be here in 2 hours and 13 minutes.
Edit: Apparently he's stuck in traffic and he's going to be here in 6 hours 54 minutes. Edit2: He's making better progress than thought, he will be here in 12 minutes. Edit3: Apparently it will now take him 5 days
Her father opens the door and tells him that she’s upstairs getting ready. He offers him a seat on the couch while he waits. He accepts and the family dog, Max, comes over and sits at the young man’s feet. After a few minutes pass, the young man has to fart but doesn’t want to because the father is sitting in the seat next to him. Finally he can’t hold it in anymore and a loud fart erupts in the room. The father looks over and sternly says, “Max!” The young man realizes the father thinks it was the dog who farted. Delighted, he feels another fart coming on. This time he lets it out and again the audible sound fills the room. “Max!” Shouts the father this time. The young man can’t be happier, he’s farting as much as he needs and the father thinks it’s their dog. Eventually he feels a third fart coming on. Without flinching the young man passes his gas again. “Max! Shouts the father. “Get over here before that boy shits all over you!”
It's something I can see myself doing.
When they're going "CHEEP!"
When the doctor asks what the problem is, the house replies, "I have panes all over."