# Great Aunt shared this on Facebook, thought someone here might be able to decipher?

## When single ladies get to the age of 50, they tend to get lots of cats.

This phenomenon is known as many paws

## Whats the difference between a dog and a tree?

Their bark đ

## Wife: Honey, I’m going on a business trip to London.

….What gift do you want? . . . . . . Husband: A British girl would be nice. Wife: Okay. Wife completes her trip and returns home. Husband: So did you bring me a British girl? Wife: Yeah. Husband: Where is she? Wife: It takes nine months to unpack the gift.

## I met a Jewish girl and she wanted my number

I simply told her we use names here

## What do Mike and Sulley fill their pens with?

Monsters Ink

## How do you make Easter easier?

Replace the t with an i.

## What do you call rednecks up north?

Chillbillies

## Sperm bank

A man and. woman are chatting in an elevator. "What are you up to today?" he asks. "I'm going down to give blood." "How much do you get paid for giving blood?" "About $20 a pint." "Hmm …," the man, says. "I'm going up to donate sperm, and the sperm bank pays $100 a tablespoon." The woman gets a strange look on her face and gets off the elevator. The next day, they meet in the elevator again. The man asks, "So, where you off to today?" "Fmerm mank," she says, with her mouth full.

## What do you get when you plant a Donut?

A pastree.

## Australians donât have sex

Australians mate

## How do you think the unthinkable?

With an itheberg.

## Iâm having a small get together for Tom Hiddlestonâs birthday

Itâs a Loki event.

## Yesterday, a beautiful girl asked me if I wanted to see a movie. She asked, âWhat would you like to see?â

I said, âYou pick.â She said, âYou pick.â I said, âI donât care. You pick.â She said, âSir, there are people behind you waiting to buy tickets.â

## What do you call a sword that doesnât weigh much?

A light saber

## I sleep better naked.

Why can't this flight attendant understand that?

## Admit it, you don’t even like my maths, you’re just using me for my theorems!

https://ift.tt/2TluzDs

## Alabama and Lousiana here’s your chance to show America you’re not who we think you are

https://ift.tt/33jE0FJ

## Last Name Only

The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office. âWhatâs your name?â he asked the new guy. âJohn,â the new guy replied. The manager scowled, âLook… I donât know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked at before, but I donât call anyone by his or her first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only … Smith, Jones, Baker .âŚ Thatâs all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, whatâs your last name?â The new guy sighed, âDarling. My name is John Darling.â âOkay John, the next thing I want to tell you is . . .â

## I used to be friends with an anti-vaxxerâs kid.

She got sick of me.

## Four older gentlemen are out golfing, sharing about their lives and eventually the topic of their children’s professional success is brought up. The first guy steps up, hurriedly takes his shot, wiffs the ball off into the woods, and starts walking to find his ball without saying a word…

The second man steps up to take his shot and confidently reports, "My son is doing pretty well. He's just been promoted to manager of the car dealership he works at. In fact, he's doing so well gave the last lady he was seeing a brand new sports car." Then he takes takes a swing and drives the ball down towards the green, and steps aside. The third guy steps up and can't help but escalate with praise for his own son, "That's pretty impressive, but my boy is also doing great. He's a chip off the old block. He's a broker for luxury yachts, and really has a knack for it. He's doing so well that the last woman he was dating he up and just gave her a freaking boat!". He takes his shot and stands next to the other guy. The last gentleman, growing in confidence steps up to the tee, really feeling pride in his son's accomplishments, "Those are nothing to scoff at, no doubt. Believe it or not though, my son is doing even better! He's a top ranked national realtor and had such a profitable year that he up and bought this girl he's been dating an entire freaking house!" He drives his shot almost to the hole and all three walk down to meet the friend that lost his ball in the trees. The first guy chips his ball out as they arrive at the green. As he walks up the last guy shout to him, "What about you? You didn't say anything before you shot… don't you have something to share about your son?" The bashfully dips his head a little and replies, "I don't understand my son. I love him and I'm happy he's happy. He's a cross-dresser, he's gay, and works as a male escort…" They all get quiet for a moment before he continues, "He must be good though – just this year his top clients have bought him a Ferarri, a small yacht, and a new fuckin' house!"

## Why did the baby go to jail?

Because he was resisting a rest.

## A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.

Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the motherâs pain to the babyâs father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain transfer to 10%. However, as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and âkick it up a notch.â The doctor then adjusted the machine to 50% pain transfer. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby boy with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home, their neighbor was dead on the porch.

## What do you get when you cross Willy Wonka with stolen fizzy lifting drinks?

You get NOTHING! YOU LOSE! GOOD DAY, SIR!

## I hate vacuum cleaners. They suck.

No text found

## It all

The title says it all.

## My wife asked me, âDid you fog up the bathroom mirror again?â

I said, âI donât see myself doing that.â

## 4 Nuns died in a car accident…

They stand before St. Peters at the pearly gates. St Peter asks the first nun: Have you ever touched a penis? The fist nun admit it: Yes, once, but only with the tip of my finger! St Peter then tell the nun: Ok, put your finger in that holy water, then I'll let you pass. He then asks the second: Have you ever touched a penis? The second one also adit: Yes, I masturbated a man once. St Peter seemed slightly disgusted, but then tells her to put her entire hand in the holy water before he allows her to pass. Sudenlly, the 4th nun goes crazy and yell: Please! Ask me that question before the nun in front of me!!!!! St Peter, confused, asks why. The 4th Nun replies: I really want to wash my mouth before she puts her ass in the holy water.

## “My friend Steve drowned, so at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt.

Well, it's what he would have wanted."

## What do you call a small mother?

A minimum.

## Dad: so at the ball drop we all have to put our left leg in the air

Me: why Dad: so we can start the new year on the right foot! Me: why are you the way that you are

## Two teenagers, Fred and Joe, meet after school and Fred is all excited.

âMan I was at the most awesome party this weekend! We went to this dudeâs house and guy had toilets made of pure gold!â âNo way!â âYes way,â insists Fred, âcome with me and check it out for yourself if you donât believe me.â – Twenty minutes later theyâre ringing the doorbell at the place. A middle-aged lady opens and Fred eagerly asks her, âHi! Iâm sorry to bother you but there was a party at your house yesterday and my friend doesnât believe that you have toilet bowls of pure gold!â – The lady looks at him for a moment and then yells into the inside of the house, âRoger, the pig that shat in your trombone is here!â

## I switched all the labels on my wife’s spices.

I'm not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.

## Where does 100 equal 60?

A microwave.

## I am on day 9 of quarantine and was wondering if anyone had any porn sites they’d like to recommend other than:

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Thanks.

## Breaking a leg during an auditionâŚ

Ensures that you end up in the cast…

## Thanos has a favorite social media

Snapchat

## What’s the scariest cat

The one that made me puma pants.

## I cannot believe no ones come up with a cure for anorexia yet.

I thought it would be a piece of cake!

## While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head.

Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?" As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low-cut blouse with cleavage to die for… "I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look. She said, "Get in and I'll take you home, so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head." "That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!" "Oh, come now, I'm a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly." Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this." We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now." "Don't be silly!" she said with a smile. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?" "Still in the ditch, I guess!"

## My doctor thinks my diarrhea might be hereditary.

It runs in my jeans.