Until the police came and removed me from the library.
would you refuse?
I texted her, “Oh pun the door!”
A hungry traveler stopped at a monastery and was taken to the kitchen where a brother was frying chips…
"Are you the friar?" he asked. The brother replied "No. I'm the chip monk."
You’d think they’d have concern over it making the world go round. EDIT: Thanks for the silver kind stranger! It’s made my world go round.
After dying in a fatal car crash, 3 nuns end up at the pearly gates and the saint there tells them "Since you're so pure of heart and free of sin you can all go into the Kingdom of Heaven if you answer 3 questions. I'm going to ask you one question each." The saint turns to the first nun and asks: "Who were the first two humans God created?" She says: "Adam and Eve!" She gets into Heaven. The saint turns to the second nun and asks: "What was the one thing Adam and Eve were told not to do in the Garden of Eden?" She says: "They weren't allowed to eat the fruit of knowledge!" She gets into Heaven. The saint turns to the last nun – the mother superior – and says "Since you're the mother superior my last question is going to be difficult to answer, but if you answer correctly you can get into Heaven. So my question for you is: What was the first thing Eve said to Adam when they realized they were naked?" Now she has to think a little and as she thinks she's close to conceding, uttering "Gee, that's a hard one…" The saint lets her right into Heaven. The End.
People always ask where I got my incredibly detailed tattoo done, but they never believe me when I tell them Madrid.
Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision.
Well, first you need a nice ice fishing spot and some peas. Once you have those, you cut a hole in the ice, then make a trail of peas leading away from it. So, when the polar bear goes to take pea, you kick it in the ice hole!
They prefer cooked men
I was in the bar last night and this guy said to me, “I’m going to attack you with the neck of a guitar!”
I asked, “Is that a fret?”
In Google Docs.
Just how low can some people go?
Well, that was a trip down memory lane.
The first one orders a beer, the second one orders half a beer, the third one orders a quarter, and the fourth one orders one eighth of a beer. The bartender stops them, pours two beers and says,"you guys should know your limits."
Would it be called a Dodge Chargeable
I said, “Sure. My door is always open.”
Because they are hill areas!
A gummy bear
A truck driver stopped at a roadside diner for lunch and ordered a cheeseburger, coffee and a slice of apple pie. As he was about to eat, three bikers walked in.
One grabbed the trucker's cheeseburger and took a huge bite from it. The second one drank the trucker's coffee, and the third wolfed down his apple pie. The truck driver didn't say a word as he paid the waitress and left. As the waitress walked up, one of the motorcyclists growled, "He ain't much of a man, is he?" "He's not much of a driver, either," the waitress replied. "He just backed his 18-wheeler over three motorcycles."
Feeling cannelloni right now.
It's my new year's resolution.
Come on guys, it's a dead giveaway.
It's still syncing
I have no idea who let her into my office.
or texts me, I'm so lonely, pls help.
Because there was no host for the Oscars. Huh? Huh? I'll show myself out.