Great preachers don’t die…
How to effectively ensure everyone around you respects 6 ft social distancing
https://ift.tt/3deHhLa
How did the hipster burn his mouth?
He ate his soup before it was cool.
My girlfriend said she didn’t think it was possible to seriously injure yourself by masturbating
But I managed to pull it off.
I never really understood the point of inside jokes
They work just fine outside as well
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We have a friend who likes to have sex with inanimate objects, but we haven’t seen him for a long time.
He always has stuff to do.
As I get older and I remember all the people I’ve lost along the way…
I think to myself, maybe a career as a tour guide wasn’t for me after all.
A bloke bumped in to me on the tube the other day and said, “Remember Leonardo Di Caprio.”
Then the same fella followed me home from the pub and said, "Remember Leonardo Di Caprio." Things then got out of hand when he tapped on my window at 11.30 that night and said, "Remember Leonardo Di Caprio." I thought, "That's it, I'm going to the Police." I told the officer I was being stalked and he asked if I could tell him anything about the man. I said, "Yes, he reminds me of Leonardo Di Caprio."
A young boy says to his father “Dad, our maths teacher is asking to see you.”
"What happened?" The father asks. "Well, she asked me, 'how much is 7 * 9?' I answered '63' , then she asked, 'and 9 * 7?' So I asked 'what's the fucking difference?' "Indeed, what is the difference?" asks the father. ''Sure, I'll go.'' The next day, the boy comes home from school and says, "Dad, have you gone by the school?" "Not yet." "Well when you do, come and see the gym teacher also." "Why?" asks the father. "Well we had a gym class today, and he asked me to raise my left arm, I did. Then my right arm, I also raised it. Then he asked me to lift my right leg, so I did. 'Now,' he says, 'lift your left leg,' so I asked, 'What, am I suppose to stand on…. my cock??'" "Exactly," says the father. "Alright, I'll come." The next day, the boy asks his father "Did you go to the school?" "No, not yet." "Don't bother, I got expelled." Surprised, the father asks "Why did you get expelled?" "Well, they summoned me to the principal's office, and sitting there were the math teacher, the gym teacher, and the art teacher." "The fuck was the art teacher doing there!?" asks the father. "That's what I said!"
Why is an island like the letter T?
because it’s in the middle of water
I was getting drafted to fight in WW3
But I didn't have to go because Iran
Today one of my friends told me I often make people uncomfortable by violating their personal space.
It was an incredibly hurtful thing to say and it completely ruined our bath.
An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to her and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a handsome prince.”
She bent over, picked up the frog and put it in her pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a handsome prince, I will stay with you for one week.” The engineer took the frog out of her pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a prince, I’ll be your devoted boyfriend.” Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into her pocket. Finally, the frog asked, “What is the matter? I’ve told you I’m a handsome prince, and that I’ll be your devoted boyfriend. Why won’t you kiss me?” The engineer said, “Look, I’m an engineer. I don’t have time for a boyfriend, but a talking frog……that’s cool.”
When did bugs become potatoes?
What if like a ladybug got all dusty and stopped flying and became a Potatoe bug?
3d printers can print guns now
Not impressed. Had a canon printer for years.
You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving
You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.
A 5-year old girl went to visit her grandmother one day.
She played with her dolls as grandma dusted the furniture. At one point, she looked up and asked: "Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend?" Grandma replied: "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The TV evangelists keep me company and make me feel so good. The comedies make me laugh. I'm so happy with my TV as my boyfriend." Grandma turned on the TV and the picture was horrible. She started adjusting the knobs trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the back of the TV hoping to fix the problem. The little girl heard the doorbell ring so she hurried to open the front door. When she opened the door, there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said: "Hello young lady. Is your grandma home?" The little girl replied: "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend."
Discord + Google Mail + Outlook = Headache
Me: *updates Discord*Discord: Seems like you’re trying to sign in from another computer.Me: Ehm, I’m not actually.Discord: Please solve these 20 CAPTCHA images.Me: Fine…Discord: Good job! Now click the link in the mail we’ve sent you.Me: *checks mail*Gmail: No new mail, sorry pal.Me: *goes through the unnecessarily complicated process of forcing Gmail to check for new mails on a connected POP3 account*Gmail: No mail from Discord.Me: *sigh* *checks Outlook*Outlook: Looks like you’re trying to login from another computer.Me: I am not!Outlook: Please check your backup mail address for an authentication code.Me: Google?Gmail: Don’t look at me. No new mail.Me: *forces Google to check for new mails on another POP3 account*Gmail: Ah, there it is.Outlook: Nice one.Me: … Why the hell is the Discord Mail in the junk folder?Outlook: It looks suspicious.Me: Wha- It is not spam!Outlook: Oki-dokie, I put it in your inbox for you.Me: Thanks for doing your job I guess… Google?Outlook: Why don’t you just use me.Me: There is no way I’m rewarding you for this BS.Outlook: But-Me: *closes tab*Gmail: No new mail.Me: Check the f-ing POP3 accounts!Gmail: One new mail. \o/Me: Finally. *clicks on link*Discord: Link expired.Me: … *throws the computer out the window*
My wife sent me a text message only reading “EARTH”
It meant the world to me
Did you hear about the guy who ate bananas whole?
He didn’t peel too well
What’s heavier a gallon of water of a gallon of butane?
Water because butane is a lighter fluid.
Hey Atheists! If God isn’t real,
Then why did my girlfriend get pregnant even though we didn’t have sex?
I wanna give a shout out to my fingers…
…I can always count on them!
A platypus walks into a bar owned by a duck.
He finishes his drink and asks for the check. Duck billed Platypus.
A woman looks into the mirror and says to her husband:
"I feel fat, old and ugly, give me a compliment". The man replies: "Your eyes are still working great".
Sometimes I’ll order a pizza without any toppings…
When I'm feeling saucy.
What’s that Italian dessert called where you pour espresso coffee over ice cream?
Everyone I ask can't remember either.
With great reflexes…
Comes great response ability.
What’s the difference between Bill Clinton’s VP in makeup versus out of makeup?
One's gorgeous, the other's just Gore.
My girlfriend keeps accusing me of being a cheater
She's starting to sound like my wife
Before graduating to full priests, the candidates had to undergo
The cardinal test. To make sure that they would stick to the oath of celibacy, the graduating would be priests were all taken to a room and made to stand in a straight line and covered their eyes. The bishop tied a little Bell on their penises and then brought in a naked beautiful woman and one by one removed their eye coverings. None of the bells rang until the last priest of who once he saw the naked woman, the little Bell started ringing so furiously that it flew off and fell forward. Embarrassed, he went forward and bent over to pick up his little Bell. All the little bells behind him started ringing furiously..
I proposed to my girlfriend in the gym yesterday
But it didn't workout.
A young kid is walking home from school when a car pulls up alongside him…
The driver says "get in the car". The kid says "No way!" and keeps walking. The driver says "Get in the car and I'll give you a candy bar!" The kid says "No way. A candy bar won't do it." The driver says "Get in the car and I'll give you a candy bar and twenty bucks!" The kid says "Look Dad, you bought the Volvo, YOU deal with it."
Like a lazy tailor would say…
Suit yourself.
What’s Irish and comes out in the spring?
Paddy O'Furniture
What did the ocean say to the beach?
Nothing it just waved.
