Great taste
A man walks into a bar and sits next to a guy with a very small head
After having a couple drinks the man asks the other guy, "hey, I don't mean to be rude, but how is it you have such a small head?" The guy replies, "well it's a bitter sweet story. You see when I was in the war my plane got shot down in the Pacific. I parachuted out and ended up on a deserted island. After several months on this deserted island, a beautiful mermaid suddenly appeared and granted me three wishes. My first wish is that I'd like to be rescued from this island I told her" To which the Mermaid said, "tomorrow a rescue boat will find you" "My second wish is that I'd like to be rich for the rest of my days" The Mermaid said, "invest early in these companies, and you will be a wealthy man… And what is your final wish?" "Well Mermaid, you know I've been stranded on this island for so long, and seeing as you are so beautiful, I'd wish for nothing more than to sleep with you" The Mermaid sighed and said, "I cannot grant you that wish, you see I'm a half fish, it would not work" Frustrated, the man said, "Well how about a little head then?"
What did the hat say to the scarf?
You hang around here, I’ll go on ahead.
We should make it a rule not to post any jokes about the un-employed here
They just don't work
I saw a sign outside the gym that said “OPEN 24/7”
I thought, "How useless is that? July is ages away."
My friend likes to cause a scene by going up to his loft and playing the bongos very loudly.
It was a little drum attic.
What do you call an Elephant that doesn’t matter?
Irrelephant.
A chemical warehouse was robbed at gunpoint, the assailants cleaned out all stores of substances with pH above 7.
"All your base are belong to us"
What do sprinters eat before a race?
Nothing, they fast.
Me: I’m afraid of the vertical axis.
Therapist: Why? Me: Screams
I visited my friend at his new house. He told me to make myself at home.
So I threw him out. I hate having visitors.
Richard Pryor: I got famous for saying “motherfucker”. Sam Jackson: I also got famous for saying “motherfucker”.
Oedipus: You guys are all talk.
Some bloke walked up to the counter and said..
“Burger and chips, please.” “Certainly, Sir,” I replied. “Are you eating in or taking out?” “Fuck off you cunt,” he snapped, before walking off with his food. I love working in the prison canteen.
Went to the restroom in a restaurant and saw a sign that said “Employees must wash hands”
I waited as long as I could but nobody came, so I just washed them myself.
Do you remember the 21st night of September?
I remember it like it was yesterday.
What do you call the bad side of Italy?
The spaghetto
A farmer buys a rooster to service his 200 hens. When he gets the rooster into the barnyard, he tells him, “Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You’ve got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Have fun, but take your time.”
The farmer points him toward the henhouse and the rooster takes off like a shot. WHAM! Randy nails every hen in the henhouse, three or four times. Randy runs out and sees a flock of geese down by the lake. WHAM! He nails all the geese. Randy runs to the pigpen, the cow pasture — soon, he's been on every animal on the farm. The farmer is distraught, worried that his expensive rooster won't even last the day. Sure enough, the farmer wakes up the next morning to find Randy laid out flat in the middle of the yard, buzzards circling overhead. The sad farmer shakes his head and says, "Oh, Randy, I told you to pace yourself." Randy opens one eye, winks, and nods towards the sky, "Shhh, they're getting closer."
Thanos has a favorite social media
Snapchat
What’s the worst thing about ancient history class?
The teachers tend to Babylon.
Can a Ninja throw Stars?
Shur-he-kan
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in france?
There was nothing but de brie.
What room do ghosts avoid?
The living room
What do you call a catholic toaster strudel?
A pope tart.
I went to Walmart today..
I went to the Walmart today , and I was there for literally 5 minutes. When I came out there was a state trooper writing a parking ticket for being in a handicap spot. So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked cop. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for worn tires! So I then asked him if his psychiatrist makes him lie face down on the couch cause he's so ugly. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket! This went on until he had placed 5 tickets on the winshield… the more I insulted him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner.
Having trouble understanding top heavy fractions?
Our helpline is open 24/7!
Actual conversation today. My wife: “i’m tired of anaesthesiology. What other area of medicine should I try?”
Me: I don't know. Emerg? Wife: Nah, I want something lower stress. Hey, what about sleep medicine? Me: Sleep medicine? Wife: Like, helping people with sleep disorders and such. I wonder what sort of education i'd need? Me: Probably night school. edit: yes, I know it's an awful dad joke, but it happened on the fly and its the greatest thing i've ever accomplished, so please, let me have it.
What did the Atheist say upon dying and meeting God?
Well I’ll be damned.
A bear goes to the bar and says “can I get one whiskey………………and one coke”
The bartender asked "why the big pause" The bear replies "I was born with them"
When does a joke become a dad-joke?
When it's apparent
Australians don’t have sex
They m8
Dad;*walking around with a shirt with corn on a cob printed on*
Me; "What are you wearing??" Dad; "its my crop top"
