Green Virgin.
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set all by my self.In a moment of panic,I threw a bedsheet over it
I think I managed to cover my tracks
Getting ladies to stop eating Tide pods was relatively easy.
But for whatever reason, it was much more difficult to deter gents.
Keeping tropical fish in your home has a calming effect on the brain because…
…of the indoor fins…
Hey bro, can you hand me that pamphlet?
Brochure.
I’ve been asking people what LGBTQ is
Nobody will give me a straight answer
It’s hardly known this, but one of Shakespeare’s characters actually died at childbirth.
It was Othello… and then Othgoodbye.
I used to be in a band called “The Hinges”
We opened for The Doors
What do short people in Minnesota like to drink?
A Mini-soda
Therapist: your wife says you never buy her flowers.
Husband: to be honest, I didn’t know she sold flowers.
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooooom!
What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?
We’d better get some support or people will think we’re nuts.
A classmate dressed up as a storm trooper for Halloween and shot up the school
Don’t worry, no one got hurt.
Welcome to plastic surgery addicts anonymous.
I see a few new faces here this week and I must say I am very disappointed.
What do you call a fat psychic?
A four-chin teller
My nickname at work is Mr. Compromise.
It wasn’t my first choice, but I’m okay with it.
My cross-eyed girlfriend left me.
She was seeing someone else.
How come you never see elephants hiding in trees?
Because they are really good at it.
A woman is walking down the street and see a little boy get hit by a car. She knows he won’t survive as soon as she gets to him, looking around she sees a church nearby and asks if he’d like her to get the priest.
The little boy looks into her eyes and says "how can you think of sex at a time like this?"
They told me I’d never be good at poetry cause I’m dyslexic.
But so far I've made 3 jugs and a vase and they are lovely.
I lost my mood ring today.
I'm not sure how I feel about it.
What’s that Italian dessert called where you pour espresso coffee over ice cream?
Everyone I ask can't remember either.
My wife told me I was terrible with directions
So I packed up my things and right
Where does 100 equal 60?
A microwave.
I saw a one legged man with no arms at the ATM today…
He asked me to help him check his balance…. So I pushed the fucker over.
Nobody likes my joke about paper
It's tearable
How do you milk sheep?
You bring out a monitor stand for $1000.
After buying a new sail for my boat, Amazon told me it’s too late to cancel my order.
That sail has shipped.
I was going to post a time travel joke but…..
Nobody thought it was funny.
My son asked me if I peeked at my presents early this year…
I told him that I had Clausible deniability.
What do you call a careful wolf?
Aware wolf.