An 18 year old girl tells her mom that she has missed her period for two months
Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge." "I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life." "Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, two retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?" At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You fuck her again."
Saw this on a card in a garden center, sorry if you can’t see the text
more general IT Company than programming but I hope it still fits here
Stackoverflow and coronavirus
Actually the cat is both 50% in the bad and 50% not in the bag until we open it
they don’t want to be treated like they treat others
I tried to impress a bunch of people at a party by playing my guitar, but nobody took any notice.
They just frowned and moved to another part of the silent disco.
My wife told me she loves her new white board we put up…
I said "I do think it's rather re-markable."
Cardi B has a sister who’s a fitness instructor…
Her name is Cardi O!
I broke my finger yesterday…
… on the other hand, I'm okay.
Cumming strait from the underground
Divorce is fun
Important for the anti-vax you see
My wife accused me of having an affair with a woman from Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerwchllyndrobwllllandysiliogogogoch.
I said, "How can you say such a thing?!"
My wife said if this post gets 1000 upvotes she’ll give up her anal virginity tonight!
Please don't. She's out of town on business for the next week.
“What is your political philosophy?”
Try cutting back on the crimes a little Donald
When is the best time to commit suicide?
Ate a glock in the morning.
Thanos’ finger snap would have a greater impact if they found a way to make it seem like half the audience disappeared.
Apparently only DC movies can do that.
My last relationship, which was with a cross eyed girl ended.
Because she kept seeing someone else on the side
Cats always know who doesn’t like them lol…
My uncle sent this in the family WhatsApp group
Someone told be that on your Cake Day, you get free Karma!
My Ma: I'm not buying you a car.
I’m glad China only spread a virus and not a bear.
Otherwise we'd have a pandademic.
(Please Ignore the Resolution) This is Straight of my Economics Textbook
Once I was a noob
Java process eating up all of my cpu… wait a minute
Corona Beer sales falter amid Corona virus crisis
Guess their viral marketing strategy failed.
Could the r/dankmemes reddit be banning non europeans just as a dank meme?
Just caught my son spanking a cardboard cutout of Dwayne Johnson.
He’s officially hit Rock bottom.
My chemistry teacher asked me what’s an acid + base.
A good party wasn't the correct answer, apparently.
A poor Irish family…
A poor Irish family lives on a farm and they rely on their single cow for income. One morning, the father walks outside to find their cow dead. "There is nothing that could help get us out of poverty now," says the dad as he shoots himself. The mom walks outside and sees the dad and the cow on the ground. "I can't live without my husband," she says as she shoots herself with her husband's gun. The daughter walks outside and sees her mother, father and cow dead. "I can't live any longer without my family," she says as she jumps into the river and kills herself. The oldest son, 23 years old, walks outside looking for the family and sees them all dead. "Is there anyway to bring them back," he yells at the sky. Poof! A female leprechaun appears. "I will bring your whole family back to life, even the cow," she says, "if you can fuck me 5 times in a row. If not I get to kill you." The boy fucks her 3 times in a row and he dies. The middle son, 19 years old, comes out and sees the leprechaun. She gives him the same offer as his brother. "I will bring your whole family back to life, even the cow," she says, "if you can fuck me 5 times in a row. If not I get to kill you." The son agrees to do it but can only do it 4 times. He dies. The youngest son, 15 years old, comes out and is given the same offer. "I will bring your whole family back to life, even the cow," she says, "if you can fuck me 5 times in a row. If not I get to kill you." The son says, "What if I fuck you 10 times in a row?" The leprechaun thinks. She says, "I will bring back your family and give you my pot of gold. The son says, "What if I fuck you 20 times in a row?" She thinks again and says, "I will bring back your family, give you my pot of gold and give you a mansion." The son thinks and says, "What if I fuck you 30 times in a row?" She thinks and says, "I will bring back your family and make you the richest man in Ireland." The son says, "Wait, how do I know you will survive it?" "What do you mean?" says the leprechaun. "The cow didn't."
Not bad but still boomer
Safety glasses make everything ok
I can hear it… make it stop
VsCode is watching you.
R. Kelly in the news again–tested positive for the COVID-15 virus
…apparently COVID-19 was a little too old for him.
Why was Abraham Lincoln never put in jail?
Because he was in a cent. I know it’s stupid but c’mon
I got mad when my teacher told me I was an average student.
It was just a mean thing to say.
The real hero here
Why should you never tell a secret in the country?
The potatoes have eyes The corn has ears And the beans are all stalkers
Me commenting code like:
Pilot in DISTRESS gives FINAL words.
I don’t know where I would be without stack overflow
An interesting title
Hindsight is 20/20
I’m still single on Star Wars Day…
Apparently I’ve been looking for love in Alderaan places.
Developers in 1980’s vs now
They say criminals always return to the scene of the crime.
No wonder there are so many Australians in the UK.
I <3 Pokemon Creatures Go
My moms response time for a slap in the face used to be 1ms
and it hertz alot.
Pizza clerk: We have a special today – buy one pizza, get the second one free
Dad: Then we'll just have the second one !
Republicans are evil.
I’m fine letting other people dot my i’s, but crossing my t’s?
That's where I draw the line.
My mom is a boomer now.
During her time in the US, the Queen of England was given a tour of a hospital
During her tour she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously. "Oh my Goodness!" screamed the Queen. "That's disgraceful! Why is he doing that?" The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, "I'm very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at least five times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture." "Oh, well in that case, I guess it's okay," said the Queen. As they passed by the very next room, they saw a male patient laying in bed while a nurse performed oral sex on him. Again, she screamed, "Goodness Gracious! How can THAT be justified?" Again the doctor spoke very calmly: "Same condition, better health plan."
A journalist goes to Russia for a documentary. In a little village he saw an old man and asked him to narrate a typical happy story of his village.
The old man smiled and began:"One day, a long time ago, my goat got lost in the mountains. As is our tradition, all the men of the village gathered to drink vodka first and then looked for the goat. When we finally found her, as is our tradition, we all drank some more vodka and all the men in the village each got their turn to mate with the goat. We had so much fun that day!" The journalist realized that he couldn't publish such a story so he asked the old man if he had another happy story. The old man smiled again and started all over again: "Once, my neighbor’s wife got lost in the mountains. As per our tradition, all of the village's men gathered to drink vodka and then went to look for her. As is our tradition, when we finally found her, all the men in the village got their turn to mate with the neighbor’s wife. We had great fun that day!" The journalist couldn't publish that story either and therefore asked: "Don't you have a story that is less happy; something… umm … sadder?" The old man's smile faded. His eyes welled up….. In a sad, soft voice he began: "One day I got lost in the mountains…..
Cute bird singing a Zelda song with vegetation on it’s head.