Greta bad
At midnight it will officially be Ramones time.
2020, 24 hours to go…
Why do sperm cells look like commas and apostrophes?
They often interrupt periods and lead to contractions.
I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage.
The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity.
Why do cows have hooves instead of feet
Cause they lactose
My dad burst into my room and said, βWanna hear a joke?β, and then proceeded to fart for a whole minute.
He said. βSorry. That was a long winded story.β
Do you know what is the worst part about being an egg?
You get laid only once
After 40 years as a gynecologist,
John decided he had enough money to retire and take up his real loveβcar mechanics. He left his practice, enrolled in a car mechanics class and studied hard. The day of the final exam came and John worried if he would be able to complete the test with the same proficiency as his younger classmates. Most of the students completed their exam in two hours. John, on the other hand, took the entire four hours allotted. The following day, John was delighted and surprised to see a score of 150% for his exam. John spoke to his teacher after class. βI never dreamed I could do this well on the exam. How did I earn a score of 150%?β The teacher replied, βI gave you 50% for perfectly disassembling the car engine. I awarded another 50% for perfectly reassembling the engine. I gave you an additional 50% for having done all of it through the exhaust pipe.β
Kung Fu student asks his teacher
"Master, why does my ability not improve? I'm always defeated. And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers: "My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun, and their wings seeming like flames?" "Yes, my master, I have." "And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?" "Yes, my master, I have witnessed it." "And the moon… when it touches the calm water to reflect all its enormous beauty?" "Yes, my master, I have also seen this marvelous phenomenon." "That is the problem. You keep watching all this shit instead of training."
What did the arm wrestler who won the tournament say to the other wrestlers ?
I had the upper hand
It feels weird masturbating to dead pornstars
The weirdest part is having to rebury them
A man walks into a bar. The bartender greets him and says, For 5 bucks, Iβll show you something amazing…
The man agrees and hands over his 5 bucks. The bartender pulls out a small piano and a guy who is only about a foot tall. The guy sits down and plays an amazing tune on the piano. βWow heβs amazing. Where did you get him!?!β He bartender replied, βThere is a genie on the corner, heβll grant you one wish.β The guy leaves the bar, finds the genie and says, βI want a million bucks!β All of a sudden ducks start falling out of the sky. The guy runs back to the bar to escape all the ducks and asks, βWhatβs wrong with that genie? I asked for a million bucks, and ducks started falling out of the sky!β The bartender shakes his head and says, βHeβs hard of hearing. Do you seriously think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?β
In Las Vegas people can tithe by dropping casino chips into the offertory.
And at the end of each weekend, there is a Brother that goes around to all the casinos to cash them out and make a deposit. He's the Chip Monk.
A woman is sitting at her deceased husbandβs funeral. A man asks βdo you mind if I say a wordβ βno, go right aheadβ the woman replies. The man stands, clears his throat, says…
/r/Jokes/comments/bj9t8d/a_woman_is_sitting_at_her_deceased_husbands/
With a very seductive voice, a wife asked her husband, βHave you ever seen $20 all crumpled up?β
βNoβ said her husband. She gave him a little smile, unbuttoned the top three buttons, reached into her bra and pulled out a crumpled $20 note. She then asked βHave you ever seen $50 all crumpled up?β βNo, I havenβtβ he said with an anxious tone in his voice. She seductively unzipped her skirt and pulled out a crumpled $50 note. βNowβ she said. βHave you ever seen $40,000 all crumpled up?β βNo way!β he panted, becoming even more excited, She said βLook in the garage.β
Me: See? To prove I’m not a boring house dad I went and got a tattoo!
Her: Oh, cool! It's.. uh? Me: (proudly) It's my thermos! From work! Her: (reaching towards me) Well, uh, the line work is certainly.. Me: (slaps hand away) Don't touch the thermos tat.
Since it started raining my wife just stares sadly through the stupid window β¦
If it gets any worse, I guess Iβll have to let her in.
Where did the Swedish cross country race end?
The Finnish line
Uuhhhhh someone messed up
https://ift.tt/2Ztrunc
Little Johnny at the nudist beach
Little Johnny and his parents decided to spent the day at the beach. He goes off to play in the sand only to return a few moments later. "Mom why are some women's breasts bigger than others?" To which his mom replied. "The women with bigger breasts are more silly" satisfied with this answer he goes off to play for a while longer. Later the boy asks why some men's penises are bigger than others, his mom tells him "Men with bigger penises are dumber" once again content Johnny goes off to play again. A while later he returns with a grin on his face and tells his mom, "Hey Mom Dad is talking to the silliest girl here and he just keeps getting dumber and dumber"
My wife said to me: ”Why don’t you treat me like you did when we were first dating?”
So I took her out to dinner, to a movie, then I dropped her off at her parents' place.
The next time your gf gets angry, drape a towel over her shoulders (like a cape) and exlaim:
βNow youβre SUPER ANGRYβ Maybe sheβll laugh Maybe youβll die
Why does KFC not have toilet paper?
It's finger licking good
Not to brag, but I have sychic powers.
For example, right now youβre thinking, βItβs psychic, you idiot!β
Rare photo of Melania Trump genuinely smiling. Taken at the roast of Donald Trump.
https://ift.tt/2XXbsk2
I proposed my Russian girlfriend and she said Yes!
For the wedding, my whole family and friends flew over to her home town of Moscow. It was a beautiful ceremony, however I did find some things strange. For instance, the priest never said, "You may now kiss the bride", but I just assumed it was purely an American thing and didn't mind. Later during the reception, we were both starving and decided to head over to the buffet to get food. On the way we passed the drink table, where about six people were waiting to get a fruity drink from a bowl. As we passed, they all said in unison, "You may now kiss the bride!" My wife got giddy and gave me a big kiss, which I of course returned. As we walked away I asked, "Why did they tell us to kiss and not the priest?" My wife answered, "In Soviet Russia, the punchline tells you!"
What type of practice is Dr. Pepper?
A fizzician…
I once thanked a French man to death…
I guess you could call it a merci killing!
A train hits a bus filled with Catholic school girls and they all perish
They are in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates when St. Peter asks the first girl, " Tiffany, have you ever had any contact with a male organ? She giggles and shyly replies, "Well, I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger." St. Peter says, " Okay, dip the tip of your finger in the Holy Water and pass through the gate." St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Jennifer, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?" The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well, once I fondled and stroked one." St. Peter says, " Okay, dip your whole hand in the Holy Water and pass through the gate." All of a sudden, there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls. One girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front, St.Peter says, "Reeva, What seems to be the rush?" The girl replies, "If Iβm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Jessica sticks her ass in it."
My co-workers were talking about getting their beach bods ready
I popped over the cube, oreo in hand "I'm working on my beach ball bod"
It’s not really a meme, and not really science, but it deserves to be in here.
https://ift.tt/2t6a9nD
Which President is the least guilty?
Lincoln. Heβs in a cent
What did one bone say to another bone?
Letβs meet up and share a joint. Credit: my dad
What do you call a Werewolf YouTuber?
Lycansubscribe
If they call sex with three people a threesome and sex with four people a foursome…
then I see why they call you handsome!
A lawyer was working in his office when Satan appeared. “I can make it so you win every case in your career and make huge piles of money. In exchange you will sell me your soul, your wife’s soul, your children’s souls, your parent’s souls, your grandparent’s souls, and the souls of all your friends.
The lawyer thought it over for a moment and then asked, "What's the catch?"
What does Donald Trump’s hair and a thong have in common?
They both barely cover the asshole. EDIT: I leave this up for a few hours and 500 upvotes already?! Thanks everyone! EDIT 2: WOW! MY FIRST MEDAL EVER! THANK YOU KIND REDDIT STRANGER!