Greta bad School good
Cop: You are the lawyer. Lawyer: Exactly, so where’s my present?
One is a whiny toddler and the other is a tiny waddler…
He wasn’t a drunk, just awful with crosswords.
Nothing, it just let out a little wine.
She always runs from the ball
It just didn't cut it anymore
You're too young to smoke.
Throw a rock at it. If he runs it's a male. If she runs it's a female.
Thanks for nothing.
You get repossessed.
A man walks into a bar. The bartender greets him and says, For 5 bucks, I’ll show you something amazing…
The man agrees and hands over his 5 bucks. The bartender pulls out a small piano and a guy who is only about a foot tall. The guy sits down and plays an amazing tune on the piano. “Wow he’s amazing. Where did you get him!?!” He bartender replied, “There is a genie on the corner, he’ll grant you one wish.” The guy leaves the bar, finds the genie and says, “I want a million bucks!” All of a sudden ducks start falling out of the sky. The guy runs back to the bar to escape all the ducks and asks, “What’s wrong with that genie? I asked for a million bucks, and ducks started falling out of the sky!” The bartender shakes his head and says, “He’s hard of hearing. Do you seriously think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?”
Teacher: Well yes , but actually no
Oops, wrong frame of reference.
I'm not coming in this morning.
Today was just the tip of the iceberg. Tomorrow romaines to be seen.
But I can see where you are coming from.
A grandpa joke
His reply was “she was just lying there naked on the table, what was I supposed to do?” The wife replied “perform the fucking autopsy!”
In a rural area he comes across a small village bar. He goes in and orders himself a drink, when he notices the man next to him also looks like a farmer. "Are you a farmer?" he asks the man. "Ja, I am a farmer" the man replies. "How big is your farm?" the american enquires. "Well, roughly 20 square miles" the german answers, not knowing where this is going. "Haha, 20 square miles" the american laughs, "Thats cute, do you want to know how big my farm is? When I want to tour my whole farm and get into my car to drive around, it takes me 2 days to come back home" The german looks up from his beer and replies: "Ah yes, I had an american car once aswell"
She said, "What movie would you like to see?" I said, “You pick." She said, “You pick." I said, “I don't care. You pick." She said, “Sir, there are people waiting behind you waiting to buy tickets."
I said – "Definitely not – I play basketball by the rules"
The boy, who had just coloured his hair various shades started feeling uncomfortable by the old man's gaze. Unable to take it anymore, the boy shouted – "What is it old man? Can't stomach when people do wild things?" The old man replied – "I once fucked a peacock when I was a teen. Wondering if you're my grandson".
I’ll have to change my name.
Because he couldn’t see himself doing it
Because he doesn’t want to be spotted.
Shit, I meant to post this somewhere else.
Iron Man. https://imgur.com/a/3eNDlNZ
A wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok…
but they keep ending up in the gutter.
Turns out people don’t like it when you go the extra mile for them.
They left a little note on the windscreen, it said “Parking Fine”. So that was nice.
Because 7 was a registered 6 offender