If I dont perfect human cloning..
I won't be able to live with myself.
I farted while putting the baby to sleep, and it startled her and woke her up.
She got a second wind.
Why did the biology teacher break up with the physics teacher?
They had no chemistry 🥺
2020 Divided by 5 is 404, So the Whole Year is an Error.
And now we have a virus.
Apparently adding a fireplace to your home is the hot new trend…
…and chimney installations are through the roof!
I went to the shop and bought a thesaurus but when I got home, when I opened it, all the pages were blank.
I had no words to describe how angry I was.
As I got on the 51st floor, the elevator attendant said “see you later, son”. I said indignantly, “don’t call me ‘son’, you’re not my dad!”
… To which the lift attendant replied, "Maybe not, but I brought you up, didn't I?"
How do you drown a hipster?
You throw him into the mainstream.
Kermit The Frog and Henry The Eighth…
…have the same middle name
Someone keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off
I think I’m being stalked
Sarah was in the fertilized egg business.
She had several hundred young pullets and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs. She kept records and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced. This took a lot of time, so she bought some tiny bells and attached them to her roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so she could tell from a distance which rooster was performing. Now, she could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells. Sarah's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen but, this morning she noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! When she went to investigate, she saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. To Sarah's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job, and walk on to the next one. Sarah was so proud of old Butch, she entered him in a show and he became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Peace Prize" they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.
Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
Because they have big fingers!
I was shocked when my doctor told me all my fingers were broken after my accident.
It was hard to grasp.
I broke my finger yesterday…
… on the other hand, I'm okay.
Two Texans were out on the range talking about their favorite sex positions.
Two Texans were out on the range talking about their favorite sex positions. One said, "Think I enjoy the rodeo position the best." "I don't think I have ever heard of that one," said the other cowboy. "What is it?" "Well, it's where you get your wife down on all fours and you mount her from behind. Then you reach around and cup each one of her breasts in your hands and whisper in her ear, 'These feel just like your sister's." Then you try to stay on for 8 seconds.
What’s the difference between a feminist and a grenade?
Grenade actually accomplish something when it triggers. EDIT : NOT FROM USA NOR WHITE
I had a scary math joke…
But I'm 22 to say it
The man next to me on this rollercoaster won’t stop screaming.
Its like he's never seen a penis before.
If you think Thursdays are depressing, wait two days
It will be a sadder day
You don’t want me to treat you to a bespoke outfit from my tailor?
Fine, suit yourself.
A stormtrooper walks into a bar and orders a martini
The bartender asks while handing the stormtrooper his drink, "Shouldn't you not be drinking on the job?" The stormtrooper arches his eyebrow, "And hit what I'm aiming for?"
eBay is so useless..
I tried to find a lighter and they had only 45324 matches…
What do you call a short psychic who just escaped prison?
A small medium at large
No one is afraid of llama kisses, so why is everyone so worried about…
…the alpaca lips?
Did you know crocodiles could grow up to 15 feet?
But most just have 4.
Don’t buy anything with Velcro
It’s a total rip-off
My Grandma is 96 years old and she still doesn’t need glasses
She drinks straight from the bottle
What’s the best reward for a knock knoc joke?
A no-bell price