Grocery and food stores should never be allowed to sell Duck, Turkey, and Goose meat.
It tastes too fowl.
Deep down, I realized it wasn’t for me.
About eight bucks, nine during bad weather.
…the NSA will finally read it.
What genius decided to call it Erectile Dysfunction and not Ballzheimer's?
A man dies and he’s able to be in heaven and in hell for 1 day so he could choose which he likes best.
And heaven was boring as fuck and hell was a 24/7 hookers and blow non stop party. So the next day he goes back to st Peter? And says, "nah.. I'm going to stay in hell" and when he goes back down with the devil it's all torture and Sulphur and fire and brimstone and he goes to the devil and says "what the fuck?? Where are the hookers and blow? The dj and pools?" and the devil responds…. "well, that's the difference between being a tourist and being an immigrant"
She sells sea shells by the sea shore.
They were greeted by a fallen angel who told them, "You can stay here happily for all of eternity… as long as you don't step on a frog." The men all agreed to not step on any frogs and they went on their way. The first man only lasted a couple of hours before he ended up stepping on a frog. The fallen angel appeared and tied the ugliest woman he could find to the man's wrist. The second man lasted a week before he stepping on a frog as well. The fallen angel appeared and tied another extremely ugly woman to his wrist. The third man went years without ever stepping on a frog. Out of the blue, the fallen angel appeared with the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen and tied her to his wrist. The man asked, "What ever did I do to deserve such a reward?" The woman turned to the man and said, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a frog."
When It's trans-parent.
I immediately took away his bike
No text found
No text found
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
They order a couple of drinks and take subs out of their brief cases. They begin to eat. Seeing this, the angry publican exclaims, " Excuse me but you cannot eat your own sandwiches in here!" The two look at each other, shrug, then exchange sandwiches.
It’s my Heath Ledger.
It was pissed off…
This is the time of the year when I get really annoyed when everyone writes “X” instead of “Christ.”
I calm myself down by playing my Christ Box 360.
Police are working tirelessly to catch him
The Chinese man goes: “Hi, my name is Joe Chan, what’s yours?” The Jew replies: “Michael Goldberg… Hey you know, I never did forget you Koreans for Pearl Harbor.” The Chinese man, surprised, replies: “Uhhh… Pearl Harbor was done by the Japanese, not Koreans, and I’m Chinese.” “Well.. Chinese, Japanese, Korean, what’s the difference?” “You know… I never did forgive you Jews for sinking the Titanic.” “Uhhh… but that was an iceberg.” “Greenberg, Goldberg, iceberg, what’s the difference?”
I told her I’m pretty good, but I don’t think I’m ready to compete in a tournament yet.
I told her, "Wait, this isn't what you think it is!"
And boy are my arms legs
…NOTHING gets done after that first bottle.
Pupils, coz they dilate.
It’s f*cking close to water.
I said "No, that's the last thing I want"
Anyone can learn to roast beef.
She looked surprised
An Englishman, German, French and Italian are standing at the side of a street watching a street performer.
The street performer noticed that they all have poor eye sight so he asked them whether they can see him and they responded: "Yes" "Oui" "Sì" "Ja"
When a British person gets a really good look at something.
My friend claims that he “accidentally” glued himself to his autobiography, but I don’t believe him.
But that’s his story, and he’s sticking to it.
My wife tried to order an exotic snake online, but when the package arrived, it contained only feathered scarves…
Looks like the boa cons tricked her…
Somehow the bastard found out and killed my dad.
Yoda: Off course I am!
Friend: Congratulations! Do you know the sex? Me: Of course I know “the sex”. How else will she get pregnant?
It's really gonna spice up the autobiography.
… and he's wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed, pointing out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing. The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.' The woman returns the next day and to her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly. She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?' To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check, 'There's no charge.' 'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit,' she says. 'Honestly, ma'am,' the mortician says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.' 'So I just switched the heads.'