Groucho Marx said this in 1957…..Still holds up.
I receive a ping 3 miles away as I’m approaching the ping I get a text “ honk your horn excessively until I come outside when you get to xxx address I’ll tip $20”. So I pull up to the pin and start blowing my horn for a solid min. My passenger comes out looking a little annoyed he gets in and we head to his destination. We pull up to his house and his dad is standing outside waiting for him, he greets him and asked how his ride was, he said the drive was great but the fucker blew his horn non stop until I came outside. His dad said that’s weird and handed me a $20.
OMG!!!!!! BREATHE!!!!!!!!! BREATHE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Even the cake was in tiers!
I really get a kick out of it.
A young man was in love with two women and could not decide which of them to marry. Finally he went to a marriage counselor. When asked to describe his two loves, he noted that one was a great poet and the other made delicious pancakes…
"Oh." said the counselor. "I see what the problem is. You can't decide whether to marry for batter or verse."
You can see right through 'em.
Me: Of course. That’s how we get Number 2 pencils.
They always bring their eh game
In his will, he entrusted $50,000 in cash to each of his closest advisers: his accountant, his doctor, and his lawyer. In his will, he instructed that each of them was to put all of the money into an envelope and place it into his coffin at his funeral, so he could have his money even after death. On the day of the funeral, each of his advisers came with a large envelope and each, in turn, placed it in the wealthy man's open casket. At the end of the funeral, when the man was buried, each of the advisers walked away from the cemetary together. The accountant said to the other two "I must confess, I didn't put all of the money in. I kept $10,000 for myself and only put in $40,000." The doctor responded "I should be honest too. I kept $20,000 for myself and only put in $30,000." The lawyer looked at the other two with disdain and said "I'm ashamed of both of you. Our client instructed us to put in $50,000 each into his casket, and I'll have you know I put in a check for the full amount!"
They lied, everyone else has clothes on.
..between the tits.
I’m on season 6 so far, and not sure what this has to do with security.
Germany. I'm no dad but I'll get myself into shape for when the time comes .
Dad: Hi pregnant, I'm dad Wife: No you arent
I finally figured out why the air mattress thought it was better than all the other regular mattresses
Turns out, it had an inflated ego
Because they're always stuffed.
The next floor, however, is a different story.
So I packed my bags and right.
It's a trap
Because one more and they would get too farty
Because smoking is bad for your health and you should stop cold turkey.
Just don’t pick it up.
A sheepdog tells the farmer he’s going to round up the sheep and comes back with 50 sheep and the farmer says “We only have 48 sheep.”
The dog replies "I said I was going to round them up,"
Shoot him in the face
I gave him a glass of water.
“This one is gonna sleigh you.”
and you expected a beating but instead they just ruined the housing market?
Instead of going to the beach, many mathematicians are dividing the opposite side of a right triangle over the adjacent side
They say it's a better way to get a tan.
A ring actually means something to Gollum.
Those damn mooselimbs.
A guy in the back shouts "you don't have enough bullets"