Groundbreaking
Tried drawing my girl who passed away, will not try drawing again. Sure do miss her though
https://ift.tt/2BWHv9f
Me and my girlfriend are just too different…
I exist and she doesn't
As I get older and remember all the people I’ve lost along the way, I think to myself…
"Maybe a career as a tour guide isn't right for me?"
White people are always annoyed that only black people can say the n word, but white people have some phrases only they can say too
Things like “Hi Dad!” and “Thanks for the warning, officer.”
I previously suffered from premature ejaculation my GF got me some cream that reduces sensitivity
It 100% totally work's now i don't give a fuck about that bitch.
I left a bunch of barbed wire and posts out the front of my house in suggestive poses
I hope nobody takes a fence.
Ever have your kid come up with a better punchline than your original?
I went to ask my daughter: Where do you park when you visit the moon? (Originally I was gonna say at the parking meteor!) But straight faced she replies: Anywhere you can find space. Then she grinned… (she knew what she was doing)… space dad. get it? in space…. Totally out dad joked by my own daughter.
Uh oh-Where did the hacker go?
I don’t know, he ransomware
Space heaters are the best house-warming gifts.
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How do billboards talk?
Sign language
As I’m sure you’re all aware, the Notre Dame Cathedral is on fire.
They don't know who did it, but they have a hunch.
What does it take to make an octopus laugh?
Ten tickles.
I saw a man with a clock on his belt today.
I thought “What as waist of time!”.
Why do French riot police leave early for work?
So they can beat the crowd.
The bible is the greatest story ever told.
And to hell with anyone who doesn’t believe me.
Husband doing crossword with his wife
Husband: Emphatic no, five letters. Wife: Never H: Pistol, 3 letters. W: Gun H: Disgust, 3 letters. W: Ugh H: Charity, 4 letters. W: Give H: Female sheep, 3 letters W: Ewe H: Pixar movie, 2 letters W: Up
What does every racist joke start with?
A look over the shoulder.
When is the best time to commit suicide?
Ate a glock in the morning.
What do you call a midget having an orgasm?
A shortcoming
By legalizing cannabis and same sex marriage, we finally interpreted the Bible correctly.
" A man who lays with another man should be stoned. " (Leviticus 20: 13)
Why wouldn’t the hipster swim in the river?
It was too main stream
A vegan said to me, “People who sell meat are gross!”
I said, "People who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer."
Two years ago my doctor told me I was going deaf.
I haven't heard from him since.
What side of a chicken has the most feathers?
The outside.
I gave my date a bottle of tonic water…
Schwepped her off her feet…
There is a vibe for this guy. Best salesman of the year.
There is a vibe for this guy. Best salesman of the year.
I’d give my left bladder to be better in anatomy class.
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I bet a butcher that he couldn’t reach the meat on the top shelf
He refused, because the steaks were too high.
What vegetable has a hard time breathing? Artichokes!
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A man was driving down the road when a policeman stopped him. The officer looked in the back of the man’s truck and said, “Why are these penguins in your truck?”
The man replied, “These are my penguins. They belong to me.” “You need to take them to the zoo,” the policeman said. The next day, the officer saw the same guy driving down the road. He pulled him over again. He saw the penguins were still in the truck, but they were wearing sunglasses this time. “I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo!” the officer said. “I did,” the man replied. “And today I’m taking them to the beach.”
I mixed up the words “Jacuzzi” with “Yakuza”…
…Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese Mafia.
Who can carry petrol?
Jerry can
Epileptic Santa!
"He seizures when you're sleeping."