Grown-ass 73-year-old man.
A chemical warehouse was robbed at gunpoint, the assailants cleaned out all stores of substances with pH above 7.
"All your base are belong to us"
A man recently immigrated to a new land were he doesn’t speak the language. His fellow workers take him to lunch everyday. One of them teaches him to order Apple Pie and Coffee for himself. For weeks, this is all he orders.
Morning, Apple Pie and Coffee. Noon, Apple Pie and Coffee. Night, Apple Pie and Coffee. Getting tired of this same meal, he asks his coworkers to teach him a new dish to order. He learns Steak and Eggs. Waitress: Hiya hon’, Apple Pie and Coffee as usual? Man (smiling proudly): Steak and Eggs! Waitress: Oh! Changing it up to day! How would you like your eggs? Scrambled, sunny side up, poached, fried? How would you like your steak? Rare, medium rare, medium, medium well, well? . . . . . . Man: … Apple Pie and Coffee.
I lost my case
Because every time I cut one down I keep a log.
It was just collecting dust anyway.
Donald Trump and Barack Obama ended up at the same barber shop. As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear that it would turn nasty. As the barbers finished their shaves in silence, the one who had Trump in his chair reached for the aftershave. But Donald was quick to stop him, jokingly saying, "No thanks. My wife, Melania, will smell that and think I've been in a brothel." The second barber turned to Barack and said, "How about you, Mr. Obama?" Barack replied, "Go right ahead, my wife, Michelle, doesn't know what the inside of a brothel smells like."
He kept talking about how he wants to shake things up.
Just stop giving a shit
Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
The guy sat next to me on the train pulled out a photo of his wife and said, “She’s beautiful, isn’t she?” I said, “If you think she’s beautiful, you should see my girlfriend mate.”
He said, “Why? Is she a stunner?” I said, “No, she’s an optician.”
When a short person waves at you, it's called a microwave
And i took that shit to the next level
All I wanted was one night stand.
They have a high rate of return
I don’t know what to make of it.
I said “No sun”
Now I can look back and laugh.
"Hi, is my table ready?" "No, not yet sir. Do you mind waiting?" "No, that's okay." "Great, take these salads to table six then."
but there was no concrete evidence.
2B or not 2B
but on the other, it’s just not right.
They saw things differently
He was saying that I didn't understand what irony was! Which was ironic as we were both waiting for a bus at the time.
Really helped me see things in a different light
The plot thickens.
Two older women were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking. First Lady:Whats that? Second Lady: A condom. This way my cigarette doesnt get wet. First Lady: Where did you get it? Second Lady : You can get them at any drugstore. The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years old), but very delicately asks what brand she prefers. Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel.
And three years later, that priest went to prison.