Guess where this came from
What would you call a sword made of ice?
Excali-buuurrrrr
What do you call a chubby midget?
Low fat.
What do you get if you pour hot water down a rabbit hole?
Hot, cross bunnies.
What do you call friends you eat with?
Taste buds.
I come from a family of failed magicians.
I've got two half sisters.
Overheard at Epcot:
In the Germany section of Epcot, the guy in front of me orders a beer. Cashier says "nine dollars please", guy: "woah, free beer"!
“Dad. Are we pyromaniacs?”
"Yes, we arson."
What happens to a frog’s car when it breaks down?
It gets toad.
For me, sex is like a game
I watch it online, because I can’t afford it.
At first, I wasn’t so sure about keeping a beard, but
It has grown on me
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?
Ten tickles…. I’m not sorry.
Someone called me racist for saying “black paint.”
Apparently the politically correct term is "Tyrone, please paint the fence."
Hooker: “$10 on grass, $30 on sofa, $50 in bed” Man: “I’ll pay $50”
Hooker: “You’re a man of class :)” Man: “Class my ass, I want it five times on grass”
I think I might be turning into a beach…
But I'm still not 100% shore
I just got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows and nuts…
I won’t lie, it was a Rocky Road…
A man walks into a store to buy a Barbie doll for his daughter. “How much is that Barbie in the window?” he asks the shop assistant.
In a manner, she responds, "Which Barbie? We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95 and Divorced Barbie for $395.00." The guy asks, "Why is Divorced Barbie different from all the others?" "That's obvious!" the assistant states. "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture…"
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have little anty bodies
A soldier survived mustard gas in battle, and then pepper spray by the police.
He's now a seasoned veteran.
My girlfriend usually has peanut butter toast for breakfast, but this morning we were out of bread, and she’s been grouchy all day.
I never knew she was lack-toast intolerant.
I keep asking what LGBT stands for
But I never get a straight answer.
I don’t trust French food
It always gives me the crêpes
If I throw jam into traffic
Is it now traffic jam
Humans can atmost grow upto 8 feet
But usually most of them have 2
My son is a man trapped in a woman’s body.
He’ll be born in February.
Why is Waldo’s shirt striped?
Can’t be spotted
What does a clock do when it’s still hungry?
It goes back four seconds.
What do serial killers and fat girls on tinder have in common?
They both know how to hide their bodies.
I just found a dead body in the street
So I took it home and put it on the cat's pillow See how she fucking likes it !
Most people mistakenly believe that “Bagger 288” was built for coal mining
Most people mistakenly believe that “Bagger 288” was built for coal mining
A man was walking home alone late one foggy night, when behind him he hears:
BUMP!… BUMP… BUMP… Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog h e makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him. BUMP… BUMP… BUMP… Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him FASTER… FASTER… BUMP… BUMP… BUMP… He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him. However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping… clappity-BUMP… clappity-BUMP… clappity-BUMP… …on his heels, the terrified man runs. Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps. With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door. Bumping and clapping toward him. The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup! Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket… and, [Wait for it…] The coffin stops.
God said to John come forth and have everlasting life.
But he came in fifth and won a toaster.
I’m having a bun filled with ham and pineapple for my lunch today because…
…that's Hawai'i roll…
I asked my atheist friend how he celebrates Christmas without believing in Jesus
He asked me how I celebrate Valentine's day when no on likes me
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in france?
There was nothing but de brie.
My wife broke up with me, so I took her wheelchair
Guess who came crawling back