Guess who I bumped into on my way to get my glasses fixed

He’s going through a lot of crap right now.

I was so excited that I ran inside to tell my wife. Then I remembered why I was digging the hole in the first place.

’About 32,’ is the reply.’ ‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily. A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question. The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’ Now she’s feeling really good about herself. She stops at a candy shop on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the assistant the same burning question. The clerk responds, ‘Oh, I’d say 30.’ Again she proudly responds, ‘I’m 50, but thank you!’ While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question. He replies, ‘Lady, I’m 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra Then, and only then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.’ They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her. She finally blurts out, ‘What the hell, go ahead.’ He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other. After a couple of minutes of this, she says, ‘Okay, okay…..How old am I?’ He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, ‘Madam, you are 50.’ Stunned and amazed, the woman says, ‘That was incredible, how could you tell?’ ‘I was behind you at McDonalds’.

One’s really heavy and one’s a little lighter.

On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him: "I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!" The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give the conference in your place." "That's a great idea!" says Einstein. "Let's switch places then!" So they switch clothes and as soon as they arrive, the driver dressed as Einstein goes on stage and starts giving the usual speech, while the real Einstein, dressed as the car driver, attends it. But in the crowd, there is one scientist who wants to impress everyone and thinks of a very difficult question to ask Einstein, hoping he won't be able to respond. So this guy stands up and interrupts the conference by posing his very difficult question. The whole room goes silent, holding their breath, waiting for the response. The driver looks at him, dead in the eye, and says :  "Sir, your question is so easy to answer that I'm going to let my driver reply to it for me."

Two, but I have no idea how they got in there.

So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was your age…” and then describing what I did 2 days ago

Relative humidity.

Sandals

Because how can you have any pudding if you don't eat yer meat?

Attire.

It’s not hard.

GLOVES! Nah, just kidding… He still hasn't unwrapped his present.

Then does having sex for free make you a non-profit whoreganisation?

and I thought to myself, "Not only does my son have a stupid name, but he's also a terrible driver."

Just kidding.

Navel academies.

can't wait to see how it turns out.

I got bored one day (horny kind of bored) and thought about reading an erotica. Not really what I'm used to, but I decided to give it a try. I came across a fan-fiction based on the Harry Potter series and started there. I couldn't believe it. It turned out to be really arousing, and actually quite entertaining. Page after page I was getting closer and closer to my climax, yet I couldn't stop reading and found myself getting really tied into the story. Every sentence and every paragraph in every chapter had me so turned on. Until a chapter that took place in a cell in Azkaban, where Harry started passionately kissing his godfather. My libido extinguished immediately, and all sexual desire gone. I just couldn't continue. It was too absurd. I mean come on Harry. You can't be fucking Sirius!

Not yelling and screaming like all the other people in the car he was driving at the time.

Me: who’s this guy? Grandpa: he’s my hip replacement

Oiu'd

.. There's usually an Irishman & Englishman in this joke but they're still at the Rugby World Cup.

He's a great man… Rubbish cabinet maker though.

only a fraction of people will get this joke

I’ve told her not to get her hopes up for her birthday. “After all,” I said, “The celebrations are only going to last half a minute.” “What are you talking about?” she asked. I said, “It’s your thirty-second birthday.”

At first it’s boring, but later on, it’s riveting…

And after stepping on the scale I pulled in my stomach, to which my girlfriend reacted: "you know that doesn't help at all". I told her "sure it does, now I can see the numbers"

But does anyone know where the Minneapolis?

An iron deficiency.

To get to the other slide.

Don't know why I was carrying it around in the first place.

Are you suicide? Because I think about you every day. Are you a toaster? Because I really want to take a bath with you. Are you a noose? Because I really want to hang with you. Are you a gravestone? Because I really wish you were on top of me. Are you anti-depressants? Because if I don’t have you every day I’m going to kill myself. Are you a coffin? Because I really wish I was inside you right now. Are you a coroner? Because I really want you to inspect my body. Are you a death certificate? Because I really wish you were mine. Are you an electrical outlet? Because I really want to stick my fingers in you. Are you traffic? Because running into you would really make my day. Are you a sinking ship? Because I’d really like to go down on you.

100% arrested

Unfortunately she blew it

But those letters aren’t silent. They’re just waiting their turn.

It got stuck in a crack

The Marinara Trench

When he got there, he started to swing at a tree when it suddenly shouted, “Wait! I’m a talking tree!” The lumberjack laughed and said, “And you will dialogue.”

But they couldn't be more wrong. So far I've made two jugs and a vase.

Dad just waves and says, "Bison".

It's non-stick