Guess who woke up with 20 missed calls from his ex?
My ex.
Back in the day, everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars. Now, everyone owns a car and the rich have horses…
My, how the stables have turned!!
President Trump said “No politician in history — and I say this with great surety — has been treated worse or more unfairly.”
I guess the 6 Presidents who were shot no longer count *edit had 4 in post originally
2 tampons are walking past each other, which one says “hi”, first.
Neither, they're both stuck up cunts.
How do you stop an anti-vaxer from drowning?
Take your foot off his head. ** Edit: Some people PM'd me to tell me they found this offensive. I reread it and I agree. Here is the updated version of the joke: Q. How do you stop an anti-vaxer from drowning? A. Take your foot off his or her head. Again, I apologize to any feminists out there for my originally posted version.
I once asked a taxidermist what he does for a living.
"Oh you know….stuff. "
Kermit The Frog and Henry The Eighth…
…have the same middle name
You know what happened to the guy who chugged 8 Pepsis at once?
…He burped 7 up
If you hold your pee
urine trouble
How long does it take to eat another banana?
A bananosecond
I recently found out I was colorblind
The diagnosis came completely out of the purple 😀
I went golfing and I brought two pairs of socks…
In case I get a hole in one…
Some scientists were able to recreate human vocal cords in a petri dish…
The results pretty much speak for themselves…
Statistics show that 1 out of 3 people in a relationship are unfaithful….
Now I just need to work out if that's my wife or my girlfriend.
I asked 20 women in my neighborhood about their preferred shampoo
A staggering 100% of them use "Get out of my shower".
If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?
Ah, this one got me good 😀
A Bartender walks into a bar.
*Bart's life flashes before his eyes as he's mercilessly shot four times in the chest*
My wife found out I was cheating after she found the letters I was hiding …
She got mad and said she’s never playing Scrabble with me again!
Today my stoner friend used my to-do list as a blunt wrap
He was high on my list of priorities
I didn’t vaccinate my five kids
and both of them turned out fine.
With great power comes a huge electricity bill.
No text found
I didn’t think wearing orthopedic shoes would help…
…but I stand corrected.
Why do French riot police leave early for work?
So they can beat the crowd.
What’s something only 10 year olds can do?
Turn 11. My kid asked me that question and they clearly had something else in mind, because she was less than enthusiastic about my response.
What do you call a deaf gynecologist?
A lip reader.
A cowboy thought he had 100 cows but when he counted them there were only 97
So he rounded them up.
I’m making a new documentary on how to fly a plane
We're currently filming the pilot.
I told my wife she painted her eyebrows too high.
She looked surprised.
