Boss: "Certainly not!" Assistant: "Thank you so much sir."
1. 2. 3.
They use a pumpkin patch!
David Hasselhoff walked into a bar and ordered a drink. “It’s a pleasure to serve you Mr Hasselhoff,” said the bartender.
“Just call me Hoff,” he replied. “Sure,” said the bartender. “No hassle.”
This is known as many paws
I had a difficult, emotional talk with my 9-year-old son this morning. There was a lot of crying and “nobody wants me on their team” and “I haven’t got any friends”.
Anyway, he was very nice about it and gave me some good tips for being more sociable.
I picked up a hitchhiker last night. He seemed surprised I picked up a stranger and asked. “Thanks but why’d you pick me up? How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I told him the chances of two serial killers in one car would be astronomical.
She knows how to make bad decisions, yet stick by them.
She told me she doesn't want to bother me while I'm at work.
Being homeschooled sucks.
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He sat there sunbathing, for the sake of civility and to protect them from being sunburnt, he had a hat on his private parts. A women came by and smirked “If you were a gentleman you would lift your hat” He replied “If you weren’t so ugly it would lift itself” EDIT: Y’all so sensitive if the genders were reversed you would say the guy is harassing the girl
But you guys didn't like it.
they are a non-prophet organization
I didnt want to be caught money laundering
That should make the cremation a little more interesting…
The doctor putting two hands on your shoulders during a prostate exam.
There are actually tons of hot singles in my area, But none of them are interested in me.
No nut November
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A gallon of water. Butane is a lighter fluid.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
Yes, we arson.
On my lap. Turned on. Virus free.
Mermaid: I grew out of my B-shells
A very old man told me this story. "I finally left my house to go out to the store this week, and who do I see but my pastor comes walking over to me with a Bible under his arm. And this fella, he says to me, 'I haven't seen you in church recently.' Well that made me made, because you know, anybody who knows me knows that I've been in my house for the last two months with the virus going around. And he can tell I'm mad, but that doesn't stop him. This fella goes to hand me his bible, and he says 'A man of your age and your condition, I think you need to start thinking about the hereafter. Now, I've outlined a few passages that I think you ought to read.' But I pushed it back into his hands, and I say 'Pastor. You can keep your bible. I don't need it. I think about the hereafter every damn day. First thing when I wake up in the morning, I walk into the kitchen, then I go into the bathroom, then I go into my bedroom again, then I go back into the kitchen and stand there looking into the icebox for twenty damn minutes wondering…. now what was I hereafter?' "
I told her, no, but I wouldn't mind playing with the box they came in.